Saturday, July 31, 2010

In the middle of it ALL

The couple from Montreal

I am in the middle of putting the images for my solo show together. I have been having panic attacks and nightmares about this show....fear nightmares mostly.
I am terrified that no one will show, that I will miss a step....I feel totally propelled to make make make....I am reliving my years of infertility while ignoring my most recent need to make a decision about my body again.
Turns out the nurse didn't give me all the information about my results, so I am thankful that I asked for a copy of the results again. Turns out I have cysts on both my ovaries and numerous fibroids, the amount was not even mentioned. I feel full of rocks.
So I am diving head first back into the grief of all this and making the art I have dreamed of making about my infertility. It is shaping up well and varies from literal to symbolic. I think that it speaks to the many faces of my situation. I have chosen to avoid the easy images, distraught woman or "boo boo" faces.
I have been revisiting all my fears, my deep deep sadness and awareness of the long term reality. My husband is feeling it too....we have a piece that we are working on together and it is bringing up many hard and painful realities for him too, I am thankful that he is talking to me about it.
I don't want him to feel alone about any of this.

After a day of printing images and being covered with ink, I made dinner and settled into a movie. I chose Away We Go, I knew it was about pregnancy and babies and family...and although it was hard to watch, I felt I could process it. Until they met the couple from Montreal....I knew something was wasn't until the club, when I knew what was really up and it hit me like a ton of brinks...
I wept openly and deeply and had another panic attack afterwards.
Watching the grief dance and the husband frozen and sad made it all hit home.
Made me feel the sadness of my losses so heavily.

I finished the film and quickly put it into the sleeve, never to watch it again. In a strange way, I don't even want to see Montreal. I am such a perfect movie go-er, personalizing all I see.

Today I am printing some more and starting a new work for another project I am working on, about fading memories.
I am in the middle of it the thick of it, pulling my legs slowly thru the waters of this emotion.
I feel like I am carrying a heavy load, so I move even slower.

1 comment:

La Belette Rouge said...

Away We Go is not a film that us childless not by choice should watch. I write about it here:
The Montreal couple gutted me. I can just think of her dance and start crying. No one talks about how our sexuality is impacted by infertility. Sex and babies are so linked that it is almost impossible to have sex and not think of them. Her dance, it seems to me, speaks to the truth of that.

I so look forward to seeing more of your work. Really lovely to get to know you!