Friday, November 30, 2007

The payoff

It took over two years of therapy to allow me to do this simple act.
I think that it has all paid off, I love my nephew unconditionally and am thrilled that I was strong enough to hold him without an ounce of hesitation.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Hope is a sweet seduction

It is that time of the year for me, I got some new pain meds, strong and super strong.
I was driving to work yesterday morning thinking, "wow nothing has appeared, it hasn't started"....MAYBE....and the mind fuck games began.
Is it possible that we timed it right?
Did that little egg and sperm meet beyond all odds....
past all the possibilities for failure....
Maybe I am pregnant...
Maybe some sort of Divine intervention took place....
Maybe it happened because Jesse mentioned adoption twice in a month....
Maybe my past Nana willed it to be....
Maybe I am and I will lose it again, but at least I can have that moment when I knew even for a moment that I was a mother.
Even for a short time....
I am use to sadness, I could learn to bare the loss...

But...the reality was, real and certain and simply later then normal.
The blood came on silently, simply soaking away the fluffy clouds of fantasy once again.
Staining the dreams dark.