Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The stork has been delivering

The stork has begun his rounds...I have always imagined the stork being a male bird.
He has arrived first to my oldest friend, delivering a healthy baby.
He forgot to deliver her milk.

I visited her at the hospital, and cried on the way there. Mourning as I drove closer and closer...
The night I received her call, I dozed off with my arm wrapped around my invisible baby...wanting so badly to wake from this horrible dream I am in.
I felt like Dumbo's mama watching all the other mothers receive their babies.

I have not slept well and had a panic attack in the shower this morning...feeling as though I would faint. I fought the collapse, because I didn't want to frighten my husband in the early hour.
Sadly, it would have been very easy to surrender to the dark.

Friday, July 13, 2007


I have started volunteering at a rescue group that helps cats.
It is for slightly selfish reasons really.
My therapist had suggested an exercise that would involve me going to a hospital and holding babies...the idea still sends a deep rattle through my bones. As well as a pure sense of terror.
So in an effort to smooth those edges, I figured I could start with cats and kittens and work up from there. Making the assumption, that by the time this newest round of babies is born I will be slightly less commit-able.

I am enjoying the quiet times I get holding kittens and talking to cats.

What I did not prepare for was the emotion that runs me when a kitten is adopted and the mother is left behind. It broke my heart the first time, the mother left there alone while her baby is taken away by strangers....

I wonder if I will never be OK, if I will forever make a motherhood connection with everything.

I love the idea of being aware of my connection to everything, but this is truly exhausting!

I can not listen to the news, as there seems to be a report almost daily now of how some parent has killed, lost or assaulted their child, another child or someones child. The first idea that runs through my mind is " How come they could have kids?"

The world makes no sense anymore. I feel that I have lost "faith" and that I am simply an empty vessel. Walking aimless and wanting desperately to have a path or purpose.

So I hold and talk to cats until I can find a way.

Those little cats, so pure... sometimes it feel like they are all that help me make it to the middle of the week sometimes.