Tuesday, April 24, 2007


I feel as though I am in the middle of a swarm, trying to keep myself calm by repeating a silent mantra.

My swarm are not bees threatening to stick me with their points. Instead it is the stinging reality of people easily getting pregnant. Both of my sister in laws are filled with babies. It was so easy for them, it was almost like they simply had pixie dust sprinkled on them and their wombs were instantly occupied.

Their discomfort of "morning" sickness is something I try to have sympathy for, but it is a front. I secretly wish that I was the one feeling sick, and my womb was full with a flinching baby. Instead I ask if I can make something or do something for them, weeping silently inside.

Not only are my sister-in-laws pregnant, but so is an old friend, and another member of my family just adopted...they are in shell shock(but that is a different thread)I am going to be invited to her baby shower....something I dread, in fact I am not going to it. I will push myself through the process of making a baby gift for her, for some reason that is less painful then the prospect of going to a baby shower. I shake at the idea of holding a baby, being near a baby...this must be handled better before the birth of my newest nieces or nephews.

I feel that I only have so much in my reserves and I would rather exhaust it with a sister in law shower then a newly adopted baby shower.

On that thread I was going to mention another time: The new adoptive mother already asked what "we were going to do"-...from infertility to adoption and the shock in the middle...quick to pull as many people into this to make them feel more OK with everything!! My mother was kind enough to simply tell her that "we are doing nothing, we are simply living".

It feels like I am just barely doing that. Instead of having the dream fairy visit me at night and swoop me away to far off places, The Barreness visits instead. She reminds me of my lonely days and sorrow. Sorrow I carry like heavy weights under my eyes and shoulders. My heart is sucking at air, and not drawing blood.

Vultures are swarming to pick at what is left of me.

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