Thursday, July 12, 2018

Brain Vomit

Prom 1986- nope

This was a look for an art get together...I realized afterwards that I looked ready for prom...
or jr prom or sadie hawkins dance or something like that
I am dating myself now....

I have found myself in a slump or sadness
I am not sure which one yet.
I am taking care of myself and working and doing my practice 5 times a week, which I know is connected to my mental health and my ability to sort shit out.
It has become painfully obvious the lack of friends nearby to chat with or have a cuppa caffeine with.
I thought I was making progress at the studio, but being summer, people take off for vacations and often take a while to return to their practice. So I just keep going and looking like a dork or teacher taking their classes at the same time every week....I like ritual okay

I also am taking a sound therapy class, which helps me see and sort out art ideas.
It seems super granola, and hippie kid but for me it works.
I see colors and can think through ideas while I sit still for an hour and the teacher simply makes all sorts of sounds....simple but for me effective!

I hit my 5 year milestone as a vegan and yoga practicier
that seems strange too...
I am stronger than I have ever been, and although I will never be a string bean I am happy and thankful for what this Stage 4 Endo body CAN do.
I am often screaming in my head when a back bend happens or some level of flexibility is achieved. The teachers say to let go of ego and not focus on what you can or can not do...but DAMN I can do stuff I never thought I'd be able to, and someday in the future I will be able to do EVEN MORE than I imagined or dreamt. I am keeping that part of my ego and shaky self confidence.

Okay I am rambling....
brain vomit, sorry.

I have been thinking about all the new babies about to enter this world and it doesn't make me bitter or really fact, I have noticed that I have made a clearly defined line for myself about what I will and will not participate in. Moderate how I react to the sight of a pregnant woman and or a newborn. 
I do still want to hold a baby...but not in front of people so that will not happen....
Yeah I would like to hold your baby but not while you watch or around any of you....shhahhahah
If that doesn't sound dastardly I don't know what does.

I am staying away from news....there is a lot of troll talk about not feeling anything about whats happening unless you are a mom or a parent or a breastfeeder...
Mind you, I am still engaged and writing letters of protest and all that responsibility, but not watching the stories unfold anymore...I would eventually like to not wear my bite-plate to bed!

The world around us here in the states seems to have become a disconnected hose with the water on full blast and just flaying about spraying everyone down and not giving two shits. I am working on managing anger and trying to not get exhausted from the constant need to speed dial my senators and congress people encouraging them to continue to act sane and speak up.
Empathy, sympathy and common sense is something to fight for, daily
There are a lot of people being killed for no reason
a lot of people in pain
a lot of suffering
a lot of hurt
I am reminded that simple things are beautiful and that how I choose to react matters and can teach others, even when you think no one is watching.
I am making choices every day to act kindly, speak kindly, and think kind words in my self talk.

I am also eating more vegan sweets and napping
....that seems to be helping too 💙

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