Friday, January 20, 2017
My grandmothers were amazing women, and I love them dearly...but they were not ones to stand up when something was wrong.
My mother made sure from day one that I was to say something if something was not right, to speak up when I saw or felt that someone was not being treated properly. I am the woman I am today because I am not afraid to ask questions or question what it happening.
Openly and without hesitation.
This has caused problems for me in the past, but I have never let that pounding in my chest stop me from asking or saying something.
My great grandmothers were born of a different time.
My maternal great grandmother died from a heart attack, was a tough talker and dominate figure in the family. Not taking shit from anyone, and making her point of view heard....above all others.
My paternal great grandmother died two days after my grandmother was born, from complications from birth...a rumored drunk doctor. She is a bit of an enigma, but what I know of her, she was soft spoken and strong and beautiful and kind.
I thought for a long time, that my fate would be the same as hers, if I had a baby....
I have her name as my middle name.
Both of these women were born not being able to own property, vote or have access to reliable birth control...one was an immigrant, forced from her home because of the Pale of Settlement- the other born in the states.
I am marching in their honor, and the honor of my mother, who made sure I was never afraid to speak up.
I am marching for my nieces and nephews, because I want them to have every choice available to them to love and marry who they want.
I am marching because I know what it is like to have your reproduction taken from you, and shamed for wanting to be sexually healthy and free.
I march for them so that they understand that a woman's worth is not measured in her appearance.
I want them to understand that speaking up is always the right thing.
Stopping violence and coming to the aid of those in need is always the right thing.
That we need to fight to keep this earth pure and healthy, just like we need to fight to keep ourselves healthy too!
I march because I want to answer that I marched for them when they discover this information in their history classes, and wondered what people did.
Tomorrow I walk in solidarity with my sisters in Washington...and for my future because I can not be silent in the face of so much that is wrong!
Thursday, January 12, 2017
I have been quiet again.
I had my HUGE annual art opening and this year I kept telling The Barren that something felt different. He told me that I was anxious each year, and that I was simply feeling that.
It turns out, that my work has yet to sell.
For the last 6years it has sold either before the show opened, or at opening night.
This year it is still hanging on the wall, unsold.
This pretty much CRUSHED my fragile and small sense of self.
I have carried this in my heart like a heavy stone.
I focused on the holidays, but after throwing up Hanukkah...
I got a cold...it was a new years eve gift I guess...
It had me out of both society and yoga and
The Barren told me I was acting like a grumpy 14 year old.
I will own that.
I don't like being sick...I don't like my freedom of motion infringed on
in any level;
whether it is a runny nose or a sore muscle or a cough that won't let me sleep,
or a car that is out for the afternoon getting an oil change....
I am bossy and grumpy that way.
It seems the cold has finally hit the road and I am getting back into my groove.
While on "holiday" I tried to work on my relationship with food.
I have one, going vegan has made me look at food differently,
not that I had an issue before but now there is a lot of guilt
associated with food that was not there before.
Over the holiday, I worked on loosing the grip on my restrictions.
I had crackers
I had "ice cream"
I had cake
I ate bread
I ate chips
Now looking at this list I think, oh gosh look at all that bad food.
The food isn't bad, my relationship with it is.
I repeated a mantra I use when I am faced with being "decadent"
and thinking about how long it will take to make up for the decision.
exercise is not punishment for what I ate, it is a celebration of what my body can do.
I used kinder words with my self talk and simply said, you need a break.
You are doing nothing wrong eating something different here and there.
Now all the "holiday" food is out of the house
and I am eating dates to combat my sweet tooth
and drinking green tea to kick the caffeine to the curb.
Things are clearing in my head, I also realize that:
I am still reeling from this election and each day, the USA seems darker and scarier.
I am trying to manage this too...
I am not watching news anymore, listening to NPR for a short time daily.
I only watch movies
FLEABAG on Netflix was fun...and dark
I am sitting in the studio a lot, staring at the wall...but I am showing up.
I am an artist, my job is to make art.
I am back at my 3-4 times a week of practice...
which is really my mental health appointment with myself.
I am excited about the Women's March in 8 days...
The Barren and I are going because we need to go!
I am trying to figure out what I want our signs to say.
Mostly I am trying to find how I fit into this new crazed place.
It may appear that I am sitting in silence, but I am really planning and plotting.
I have never been one to be quiet in the face of something that is bothering me.
It has caused problems before, but now...
My parents joked that they will put some money aside to "bail me out of jail"
I have no intention of getting myself arrested
but my voice will not be silent.