Saturday, October 29, 2016

Anniversary-many years later

It is the anniversary of my 1st of three miscarriages on tomorrow

and then 
It is our wedding anniversary on Tuesday
We will be celebrating 24years together and 14years married. 

In the meantime I am quiet...I feel kind of sideswiped/wounded.
I woke up feeling okay,
started about my day, but something feels off.

Muscle memory maybe?

My heart has been beating along as normal.
but there is a heaviness.

As of late, I have been referring to our never to be child as our star child.
Made of love and stardust.
It is in an effort to include them as a element into our living lives,
but understand that they are not physically here,
but still able to be seen and felt deeply.
The Barren seems to be okay with this new development.
I think this is me hoping it is another step towards feeling alright.

I am set to work a photo-shoot tomorrow, doing a family shoot for a friend with a toddler.
The one who named her child the name we had secretly picked for our own child.

I assume after the job is done, I will need a nap or a drink or both wrapped in a cuddle.

Even after all these years, I still feel it so deeply.
One thing I do differently, is that I give myself space now to feel it.
Feel all of it, deep and dark and big and bright.

That is the reminder of stardust.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Movie review and warning

Movie binge watching, had me stumble on the second half of the movie By The Sea-Movie 
which I had no idea what it was about other than it was panned as 
being an Arthouse film or "really boring"

I thought it was more art film than boring...I sometimes like to watch things unfold slowly and with a hot bathtub scene with beautiful people I was watching...

The charaters were clearly tortured and working on being either ok with each other or deciding to not be ok with each other.
It was the ending I was not expecting...
I literally said out loud to the television " are you kidding me?!"

*******SPOILER ALERT**********

She can't have kids, and has suffered two miscarriages and has retreated into herself.
I get it....
I get it well

So if you know that going into the film it might make the whole thing strangely familiar as far as emotions and actions and feelings 
More like a post card to yourself from yourself from times gone by.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Time marches on


Ducklings in paper dresses....lets start here.

I have been wanting to write here.

I just got back from a weekend visit with my bestie.
We live several hundred miles apart and so visiting often is quite involved.
This time, we made arrangements a month+ ahead of time 
and I got an AirBnB 
and had The Barren take an extra day off to recover from the travel time.

When we arrived we hit the ground running.
My bestie talked my ear off <3 p="">
She was sooooooooo excited to see me that she just kept talking and talking and talking....
It was great and exhausting.
I ate like a queen, 
and covered The Barren in kisses of appreciation 
for making and supporting the time away.

The Barren was recovering/processing of sorts, 
from a sudden and unexpected death of a coworker.
This time together was needed.

We spent the time away talking and being quiet and just being.
Bestie has a child, who we are close with and who is the most well adjusted 
young person I have ever known.
He is an only child and has been treated as a human from day one 
and it is reflected in his mood and demeanor.
The Barren and I are listed as caregivers should something horrible happen to his parents.
He was able to choose, and we were happy to be those people for him.
So it is all legal and stuff...
He is growing up fast and has landed firmly into tweenhood
Time marches on

I got this photo in my email today:
"do you recognize the blanket"
I made that blanket for her older brother as a baby shower gift.
It was a reminder of how far down this road I have traveled.
How long ago I was making blankets for friends babies, and wishing for my own.
Like a moving meditation, make a blanket, earn more points to me getting a baby of my own.
The above child was conceived while I was having miscarriages and I threw her mother a shower, thinking I could still do it all. 
Once this little lady was born, I told her mom (who I've known since we were 14yrs old)
that I could not be what she needed of me...
she has respected that and we send hellos every once in a while.
Time marches on

Then today I also got an email asking if someone could use an image from my Infertility Art Exhibition....this exhibition was 6 years ago and I am still getting requests for image use.
time marches on

Here I am three weeks away from my first miscarriage anniversary and I am getting reminders of how long ago we left the path for parenthood but also how far we have traveled.
Time marches on