Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Remembering Death and Life Lived

I had been wanting to go to an event in a nearby major city for several years now, but never had the right timing or drive. So when a buddy called and said she'd drive and wanted to go right after they opened I cleared my schedule and said I'll buy your ticket!
It turned out to be just what I needed and 
aside from a set of scabs from my new sandals it was a great day!

The Dia de Los Muertos festival takes over whole sections of the cemetery 
it is a mix of altars and memorial structures and vendors selling all things related to the holiday.
There are face painters and food vendors too.
Live music, native dancers and people
AMAZING people watching!!

I celebrate this holiday, as it is the anniversary of The Barren and I getting married.
We purposely chose this day, as it is when the veil is the thinnest between the two worlds 
( the living and the dead)
so we knew that anyone of our loved ones could attend the wedding if they choose to.
It is also around the same time as the first of our miscarriages.
So I feel like our babies can feel our love the most around now.
It is a good cathartic way to celebrate, remember and mourn loved ones.
It is all in the spirit of love
and who could not love that !

I took my camera and the below are some of the fun results

Girlfriends all dressed for the day
(everyone was willing to have their photo taken, no one said no)

Jaguar dancer looking at some of the altars
crazy face painting!

Some famous cool dudes are buried here

LOVED her headpiece,
it sparkled and was amazing dancing with the light

Cat memorial in the wall of marigolds
this broke my heart and had me close to tears
I was glad The Barren was home with our lovelies

A Frida Kahlo sculpture complete
with a reproduction of her chest cast and lost baby.
I wanted to take this home.

Your favorite leaf eater
with one of the many paper mache sculptures
it was 90* (32c) , hence the sleeveless top

I took away a lot of ideas for our personal altar this year.
I was able to be quiet most of the day and just look, which was a gift beyond words.
I have a couple friends that understand quiet doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you, but instead I am talking so much to myself I can't bear to say words aloud.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Working on the railroad

I have been working on me
Trying to figure out what makes me tick: what makes me mad
and what makes me happy?!
you know, nothing deep or anything.

I have found myself looking through old photographs and re-remembering what I was thinking,
how I was feeling in a way trying to gauge if I have grown at all?

I am looking at little parts of my life.
Mental health, how I deal with situations, or not deal with situations.
Am I sleeping better or worse
Am I thinking better or worse.
What I have figured out so far
is that I've gone to over 330 classes 
this is the most devoted/dedicated/addicted I have been about any extra curricular activity in my WHOLE life. On the flip side,
I am learning to be OK with taking a day off here and there:
sometimes that 4am alarm is just too much
 I find that when I go back after a day or two off, I have a renewed sense of desire, drive or insight into why I go. I say good morning to several people now and when class is over I am thankful that I have spent the energy in class and for myself.

I am happy to announce that two publication have contacted me and will be publishing a piece of art in each of their publications. I wish it meant that I got a check to at least reimburse me for the monies put out, but the hard reality is that it doesn't. I will get a "by" line and a little snippet about who I am published in the books/zines and then it will be out in the universe for all the internet eternity.
My big hope is that it will vibrate back in a bigger better way for us.
I am pinning some hopes on that.

Onto baby things:

My friend with the new baby texted to say that she hadn't seen me in a while and asked if I wanted to come over. The Barren and I stopped by for a quick moment on the way to get some grub. I brought over some cat costumes as options for her kid to wear this Halloween. When we walked in she gave me a hug asked how I was and then said "do you want to hold him?" I looked at the perfectly content baby who was looking at himself in the mirror next to his crib and said " he looks so engaged, and so content. Not right now" I think the fact that I have yet to hold her baby is freaking her out. Some parts of me want to be the peacemaker and just hold him to get it over with, while a majority of me doesn't feel compelled to pick him up, so why force myself.
I think this will be a struggle for a little bit longer.
for both of us

Meanwhile, another woman from class asked if I wanted to go to tea after class to learn a little more about each other.
She had come into class last week and crouched down beside me before the session started and declared that women with children are crazy, and aren't we glad we didn't have any!
I listened to what she was saying and then told her that 
I was actually childless by circumstance not by choice. 
We had actually tried to create a family for 8years, 
but now I am working on my "do-over" portion of life.
She was quiet and unsure what to do, so we just did yoga after that.
At tea the following week, it was a strange conversation about how she was financially secure and successful, able to live where ever she wants because she made sacrifices and tough choices when she was younger. She is not sentimental about things and will be traveling for the next couple of months until just before Christmas and then she'll be around for another few months.
I should join her for coffee again.
It was strange, but I am glad I went for some reason.

I guess I am growing and changing.
I am often afraid for stagnation, but after thinking this all out here
it looks like a am really growing
but not growing up thank goodness:
yes, cosmic kitty yoga pants
I am that girl
I am that mature

Friday, October 16, 2015

Meditation for myself

This was read to us this morning as class was beginning.
I found it to be a great reminder, for our own lives and transformations

I am the decisive element

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.
It is my personal approach that creates the climate.
 It is my daily mood that makes the weather.
I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.
I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,
 I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations,
 it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated,
and a person is humanized or de-humanized.
If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.
 If we treat people as they ought to be,
we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

Thursday, October 01, 2015

Slowly churning


OK so we visited the baby and his mama is calling him by the nickname I had dreaded....I have found myself calling him baby, or his full given name. She is being very empathetic when we are there. Making sure it is only us and not a crowd or others that would be oohing and aaaahing.
She told me to tell her when I was ready to hold him, and that she won't ask again if I want to hold him. I thought that was incredibly kind.
So that helps.
In many ways I am thankful to not have to be there emotionally (new mother) at this point in my life. I am less raw, but still tender...if that makes sense.

I have been focusing on the upcoming gallery season and making as much art as I can muster.
I have even requested a day off so that I can just do my work for another day; not having to switch my brain from one job to another. Even skipping yoga in the morning to make it a full run.

 It took over two years, but I now know the names of several people that I have been in class with, as I introduced myself and they in turn have done the same.
We are far from friends, but friendly and it is so much nicer to say someones name when you say good morning. At least I like to say it that way, it acknowledges that I see them and that for at least that moment in the day you are not invisible.

One of the ladies is a mother of two, and when I first met her declared that she loved her kids but they drove her insane sometimes....I laughed and assured her that I held no judgement of her, in fact I respected her honesty.
She friended me on social media and mentioned recently that her husband brought home pet rats when he was out picking up the kids from soccer practice. I chimed in that pet rats were great pets for kids and that she might find them to be adorable after a little time.
She responded that when I choose to have kids she'd get me a couple for a baby shower gift.

I was taken aback and sort of rattled by her response....I know she was being funny...but it is frustrating and pathetic that after all these years I have to conscientiously, remember to have a sense of humor about things sometimes. How sad is that.
After all this time a wounded person shows up first and then I have to remind them that we are not wanting the pain anymore, so put on a party hat and remember to smile.
lifelong remnants of infertility

I am also finding myself looking at my body in the mirror with less anger...and more acceptance
I wonder what will happen when I enter menopause, how will it change
I wonder if it is stronger than before, even when I feel stronger I wonder if I really am.

I am more thankful for the way my body moves now and in fact so thankful that I just bought myself a pair of shoes that are good for my feet! I usually get the cheap pairs in BOGO sales and half of them eat holes into my ankles and others just leave me with throbbing heels after the day is over. 
My knee has been bothering me and aside from sleeping with a leg brace, and being VERY aware of how I move it I started thinking maybe my years of cheap shoes are catching I got a pair of Earth shoes and will use them instead of my go to flip flops and knockoff Toms
What a grown up idea....

I have a lot of hopes pinned on this seasons' gallery time, in fact I am doing the crawl tonight and wearing a dress and putting my mind in the right place for talking and smoozing.
The Barren has work commitments, so I am going it alone.
I have been submitting still, and waiting while trying to not think about waiting for results.
I have been trying to let my brain stretch, and wander...
explore new processes and concepts.
I have been trying to remind myself that this is it...there are no do-overs with is here and now and I need to make the most of them.
I feel like I am still holding myself back and I wonder why I am not allowing my self to walk to cliffs edge or jump higher or stay longer or dive deeper....

Do you find yourself holding yourself back, unconsciously?
I wonder if it is left over from years of IF or simply who I am?
Everyday I am trying to crack the code...and make sense of this all