Friday, September 18, 2015

Making white noise

So the very pregnant friend had her baby on Monday.
It was a boy, turns out the name they picked out was also the same name The Barren and I had selected for our wished one. It is not a common name so when I heard that was the name selected for a boy I did my best to hide my emotions and possession of the name,
When they announced that they would shorten the name to Gus I was relieved as that is not the love name we have used to shorten the given name...we had picked auggie.
Well, this morning she posted on social media that
 "Auggie was off to see the doctor for the first time since breathing air"
My heart sunk again and now I am struggling with hearing a name that I had held so deeply
and so silently in my heart for years.

How do you give away the name? 
Allow it to float away from your heart and the dreams that you had to say it to your own?

I have yet to visit...I am not sure I am ready yet.
They live just across the road so we can't use distance as a reason for not being there yet.

Until I am ready, more stable on m feet and in my heart.
I will make white noise and hold off
hold my heart
whisper my wishes


Amel said...

Oh my GOODNESS...that must be SO SO SO hard for you.

((((HUGS)))) I hope you can hold off as long as you need to without her noticing anything.

Maybe it's better for you to unfollow or mute her posts for a while on social media? This trick has helped me a lot.

LaLa said...

I'm so sorry. I had that same thing happen and it is just like swallowing an icicle. A sharp, cold pain that slid down my throat and settled in my stomach without melting.

I totally got that it wasn't my name to keep forever and never hear of another child named with it, but to have someone in your everyday life use it, so you will hear it and remember the never-child... it will take getting used to, and no guarantees that will be a quick transition.

Mali said...

I don't think you need to give away the name. Yes, it will be very hard initially - I don't doubt that at all, and I send you hugs. But your unborn child is your unborn child, with the name you chose long before this child came along. So you can still hold them close in your heart.

In the meantime though, call the child "Gus" as they seem to have originally intended. It can be your pet name for them.

nicole said...

There is something so hard about the name thing. I think it makes it much more real - to see a living human with that name and think about what you missed out on. I agree with Mali that you don't have to give it away though. It can always be special and "yours" in your heart.

(this is how far behind I am on reading blogs.)