|I love the pretzel of hair on the back of her head|
**Warning-I seem to ramble a lot in this post **
and the spell check stopped working mid-post so please excuse any spelling errors
OK so I am back in the studio, most of the week now...well portions of the day, most of the week now. It makes a difference and allows me to do all the crazy admin stuff that no one ever tells you is required when you are trying to make a name for yourself in the art world....or just trying to get your work seen by someone other than yourself and your visually over saturated friends and family.
The Barren is very patient and truly believes in my work and me, even when I am not totally convinced. I think this is paramount to my mental health and
fighting the easy slide into self doubt and depression.
I am lucky indeed.
I am making new work and have held back on my shotgun submissions, instead focusing on making new and interesting work.
Last year I spent close to $500 in entry fees and although I was in 14 exhibitions,
I only sold four pieces...some would say that is not a good investment.
So in an effort to be farther focused,
I am thinking three or four times before submitting works and trying to save a buck or two.
It is hard....really hard.
I want to be in everything...like me, please like me
On to other complaints...
The honeymoon is over with this vegan stuff...it takes a lot of effort and preparation and planning.
I seem to always be hungry or totally over food...one extreme or another. It is exhausting!
It also means that when I do eat something non-vegan, I spin into mental tabulation of what I ate, how much and how bad was that for me...I am pretty sure an hour of hot yoga does not burn off a weekend's worth of white potato hash browns and a scoop of ice cream or toast
but I am letting my mind think so for now...
According to my parents, who are really confused about how and what I eat now...
I channeled my great grandmother two nights ago and made something that she always made, stuffed cabbage rolls...but I made mine vegan. (she is probably rolling her eyes, heck I am rolling mine) It took a LONG time and was much like making enchiladas or tamales...where you have a complicated filling and then roll and bake and presto- done.
I have to admit, they tasted really good and the parents said that they were a good representation of the tradiational dish...but I wonder, did I make these because I was desperate for a complex new dish or was I trying to connect with family?
I find that as the years go on, and I age without offspring...
I wonder how I connect with the family here?
I find myself looking at photos desperate to see if I resemble anyone,
or carry anyones traits...or am I really the anomaly.
I have also been having dreams about searching for family.
Complicated routes and great distances are involved...but in the end I don't see them.
I have been watching "Long Island Medium", I don't care if it is all staged or fake.
Something in me needs to see the messages, and then I wonder
..if she read me, who would come through and what message would they deliver?
I wonder if my babies would...can someone who left before they are whole-
be whole on the other side? and then deliver messages?
I like the idea...I am not religious so I can not seek out the answers there; so I am left to my own version of spiritual guidance which leaves the door WIDE open
to questions and theories and feelings.
Onto other news
I went away last weekend to enter The Barrens homebrew into a competition...we'll know in June if he goes to the next stage...but we spent the night away and he got to sample loads of microbrews.
I had every intention to sample them as well, but with the voice in my head and her calculator I couldn't do more then a taster of two...I tried to not be a wet blanket and bring the whole scene down, I went wherever the next pub was and sat quietly and laughed and engaged in conversations...
but really, I was bored.
It was a good weekend still, and I got some real time with The Barren
who is traveling a lot more now for work.
So with all this extra time alone now, I fill my head with thoughts.
Sometimes deep, sometimes shallow..but it is always filled.