Saturday, February 01, 2014

Shit is getting real....

crime: failed to return a cup of sugar
I am not quite sure what I am feeling these days:
In the last month, I have heard of two more women the same age as me
having double mastectomies
and this last week alone
a suicide of a high school art classmate
and today the death of a college classmate
(We had been on a study abroad trip together)
It has triggered a fear that I am not present enough in my life. in a moment to moment way.
I am constantly thinking about my own mortality;
fearful that my life will end at any moment.
I am scared
I am trying to feel all these feelings and not hide from them
but they are quite overwhelming
and big
and REAL
On the inside I feel like a person walking in tiny circles
hands clutched and curled into my cheast
fearful that someone will literally
rip my heart out of me.
On the outside I am trying to smile, keep my eyes open
and be calm...and imagine a soothing unhaunted slumber at days end.


Amel said...

Aw SHUUCCKKKS...SORRY to hear about the bad news. :-((( News like this (especially when there are many of them in a short amount of time) do shake our world.

I think I'm more afraid of being left by my husband than my own death, though. I just don't want to imagine living without him. I know I can if I have to, but just don't want to.

Anyway, HUGE HUGS to you...I hope you'll get some peace...

Mali said...

I'm sorry you're going through all this. It's really hard coming to grips with own mortality. It's one of the reasons my husband and I have been seizing the day -we realise that there is no guarantee we'll have time or health in the future. You'll get there. Just be gentle with yourself as you come to terms with all this news and what it means.