Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Self Study


While laying in a pool of my own making Friday afternoon, my teacher was talking about, "sriyaya",* self study, at least that is the word I heard through my own heartbeat and labored breathing. The word struck me as funny and I giggled to myself, making note to look it up and see if she really knew what she was talking about....she did.
I am finding that these classes are getting me closer to understanding myself....really getting a better picture of what I want to do, what I can do and what I have gladly left behind.
I am able to see myself in the mirror and not feel repulsed by who is looking back at me.
I see a hurt little girl, a strong but shaky woman who wants desperately to love herself again.
I am much gentler to her now.
Often in class, while I sit in a pose thinking this feels really good on my low back or makes me feel strong...I listen to my internal banter and it goes something like this:
 I want every one of my "sisters" to feel better
I want to create a class just for us infertiles. Like a club....
 Why would I want a labeled infertiles club? I wouldn't go to it...
that was a silly idea, breathe or you will puke...
I am breaking free from my own labels,
ones I seem to have tagged myself with and I no longer want to carry around or be.
I had a rough couple of weekends, feeling shaky in myself and my self esteem.
I went down a very dark hole and found it was very easy to stay there, angry and mean and unhappy.
I went to bed grumpy and repeated mean things to myself as a lullaby.
Then in the morning, I told myself that it was the wrong way. I needed to float above this Maury Povich show and walk away from this drama and negative self words.
It was a little like taffy but I kept going to class, and I kept my appointments and I walked further and further away from it. Not turning back, to see how far I had walked.
It is something, I find, I might always struggle with.
No matter how hard I work on myself, it is a constant practice of learning to love myself, learning to accept myself and finding ways to make peace with the mean voices.
I am neck deep in these books of self study....but it is helping slowly.
I can look at my newest niece and the first thoughts are not how come it is not me,
 but instead
Hello there you wonderful little one.
* Svadhyaya ("one's own going into")
Svadhyaya is the fourth of the five niyamas (observances towards ourselves). Sva means “self” and adhyaya means “investigation, inquiry, or education.” Teachers define svadhyaya as “Self-inquiry; any study that helps you understand yourself; the study of sacred texts.” These definitions all offer us different paths towards educating ourselves.

1 comment:

Mali said...

Oh your last sentence is so wonderful!

I also loved this - "I see a hurt little girl, a strong but shaky woman who wants desperately to love herself again. I am much gentler to her now."

One of the exercises that I did that really helped me was to imagine myself as the little girl who was hurt, and to comfort her, to tell her she was fine as she was, and just to love her. I'm glad you're finding that too.