Saturday, August 10, 2013

Breathe Deep

I really don't have much to say, at least it doesn't feel like it these days.
I am not mad or angry at much, I am not deeply saddened or depressed about much.
I am feeling quiet and content. Deeply so.
Like I am floating above chaos and breathing deeply the sweet air above.
I have completed my 5weeks of yoga, that the groupon* availed. I have changed my eating, in a way that makes me think more about what I am putting into my mouth and to be honest, it was easy. If anything, I am pretty bored of food now and tend to eat the same thing over and over out of lack of interest or motivation to do something else. I was eating a lot of food before that I wanted to simply fill me, I am pretty sure now, more emotionally than nutritionally.
*(groupon is a coupon program that you can get discounted services for a period of time, just long enough to either make you addicted or revolted and move on or move in)
I don't look like the other yoga students that fill my weekly classes,and that is OK. I am finding  that over time I am comparing myself less and less to others and just working on being comfortable in the skin I now possess.
I am slowly becoming friends with that reflection in front of me in the mirror. I understand
now that my desire for a flat tummy will never be, as my uterus is a permanent 10week size,
and I still eat goat cheese now and again.
That is one of the sweet things about this life of mine.
Learning and embracing that although I thought it was gonna be one way, it might actually be something else that is going to be sweet too.
None of the classes are spiritual in any way, I am finding for myself, it allows me in the post hyperventilation glow to find things that work well for me. 
At this point in my journey I am finding that I need to be in that yoga class at least 4 times a week.
I only go to the hot classes. I spend and hour sweating more then any other time in my whole life; for me, the sweating is another way of crying, and releasing all that sorrow, grief, weight and pushed down emotions. No one can tell if you are crying in those sweaty one cares.
It is so liberating and cathartic for me.
 I am doing less art right now, as all that energy is spent on my practice. I wake up at 4:30 in the am on some days to get to class before work. It feels good,
once I convince my eyes they really do want to be open.
I had a talk with myself asking, how much longer do I want to ask a question that I will never get an answer for or an answer I will like?
Do I still want to grieve, mourn and be debilitated by sadness?
What do I really want?
The answer for me was to simply be happy, just a casual unprocessed happy.
The Barren and I shared a meal last night (he has been traveling a lot for work) and he asked how I was, I told him that I stress about money when I need to think about it,
but other than that I am really content.
This are far from perfect and this life has been full of surprises, most of which were not good ones.
I feel now, that I am really working on a reincarnation, I picked a new path.
It is not easy, I still find myself watching adorable poppins play in fountains and squeal through parks and outdoor patios, but I find myself asking why not me a lot less.


Wolfers said...

"The answer for me was to simply be happy, just a casual unprocessed happy."

Yes, simply being happy, that's all one can ask for, staying in the moment, and from what I read, it does seem that you're focusing on staying in the present. That's awesome.

Mali said...

Oh, this is such a wonderful post. I love the sound of contentment in the morning! It is such a good feeling isn't it? To let go of the angst, the what-might-have-beens, the why-mes?