Wednesday, August 28, 2013


I saw a dead raccoon on the side of the road, with a "get well soon" balloon tied to it's hand. I wanted to jump out of the car to take a photo, but it was the freeway, and I realized that balloon could have then been for us both.

Friday, August 23, 2013

It Happened

**warning non traditional birth story**
It happened, I was present for another small persons entry into the world.
Mind you I was not in the room when she took her first breath, I was there when my SIL was laboring, at home screaming and breathing.

Let me back up
My brother asked if I could keep the kiddos company while my SIL "laid down" for a little bit.
I was suspect, but through mental telepathy (wonder twin powers, even though we are not twins)
I understood something was up.
When I arrived she was breathing with some serious effort...and said something felt weird...
and she was gonna laydown.
I hung out with the nephew and niece and watched a computer game
on how to apply makeup (e gads)
and some Mario brothers cartoon...
then I could hear my SIL breathing in the other room,
well three rooms away.
My niece was called in and asked to perform "busy work tasks"
and I followed her and helped where adult help was needed.
My SIL quickly went from breathing to panting, to screaming...and my niece was tasked to call her dad to " get home now!".
I was tasked with getting the kiddos to the hospital and the dogs to daycare (two large labs).
The labor party left and so the adventure began.
The nephew wanted a grilled cheese sandwich, the niece was running all over the place getting bags ready for sitting and waiting and asking to help with everything!
I was trying to get the nephew to pee before we left and he was in full blown protest!
I was burning the sandwich and the fighting with the nephew
as the dogs sat and watched the swirling all around them.
I finally gave up on the bathroom, and told my nephew "fine don't go". Then I asked him what was really going on? I sat quietly with him and explained that today is a big day and that it is totally OK to feel scared or sad about becoming a big brother. It is a really big deal, and important role! He said OK and then I turned and said lets go take the dogs to daycare, and get to the hospital to wait for your new little brother or sister.
The burnt sandwich was removed from the pan,
and cut into pieces and placed into a spiderman bowl for the car.
I started to gather the dogs, one had a leash and the others was MIA so we used a slipknot style loop for that one. My car was across the street, so I set the kiddos up at the front door, which they then migrated to the lawn and took the beasts across the street to my little car...I have a corrolla...
and the dogs are 75+lb each...
I got half way across the street with them when they both started to protest...
one slipped out of his collar leaving me holding the leash,
the other pulled back and ran up the street!
My niece got the wild one and sat on her until I could get her and I called the old one over and heaved him into the backseat.
I retrieved the other from my superhero niece and got her into the backseat too.
Then drove the car to meet the kiddos who were waiting on the lawn.
Car seat didn't fit into the backseat as the old dog had turned into a block of cement and needed to be physically pushed to allow me to buckle the belts....
Superhero niece had the old dogs butt and protesting nephew had the chin.
The other dog was in the front seat after much convincing. It was a car full of panting, screeching laughter; and off to dog care we went...
When we turned into the driveway, the dogs figured out where we were they were jumping all over the car....
getting them out of the car was no problem, but keeping them slightly under control was a big effort...I was dragged into the dog care ( a resort for dogs, swimming pool, play yard, 24hr attendants...super posh dog care) the kiddos were distracted by some great danes and after the two dogs were checked in we headed quickly back to the car to go to the hospital.
I had just buckled up the kiddos and my nephew looked and me, gave me a kiss and thanked me : "Thanks Auntie for my burnt grilled cheese, it is yummy (heart melts)"
 Then the cell phone rings :
She is here (my brother crying on the phone)
What!? already!
Yep, bye
The kiddos and I were all together,
I was there for both of their births
and we were together for the birth of their sister!
It was wild and fast and crazy and I was so sososososo thankful that I was able to be a part of the day.
I didn't cry, I laughed...I felt so present and happy.
I was with who I wanted to be with, being a full real Auntie and it made me so very deeply happy.
We all left a voicemail for The Barren, as we headed to hospital
laughing at how funny Aunties car looked with two dogs and two kids and Auntie.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Breathe Deep

I really don't have much to say, at least it doesn't feel like it these days.
I am not mad or angry at much, I am not deeply saddened or depressed about much.
I am feeling quiet and content. Deeply so.
Like I am floating above chaos and breathing deeply the sweet air above.
I have completed my 5weeks of yoga, that the groupon* availed. I have changed my eating, in a way that makes me think more about what I am putting into my mouth and to be honest, it was easy. If anything, I am pretty bored of food now and tend to eat the same thing over and over out of lack of interest or motivation to do something else. I was eating a lot of food before that I wanted to simply fill me, I am pretty sure now, more emotionally than nutritionally.
*(groupon is a coupon program that you can get discounted services for a period of time, just long enough to either make you addicted or revolted and move on or move in)
I don't look like the other yoga students that fill my weekly classes,and that is OK. I am finding  that over time I am comparing myself less and less to others and just working on being comfortable in the skin I now possess.
I am slowly becoming friends with that reflection in front of me in the mirror. I understand
now that my desire for a flat tummy will never be, as my uterus is a permanent 10week size,
and I still eat goat cheese now and again.
That is one of the sweet things about this life of mine.
Learning and embracing that although I thought it was gonna be one way, it might actually be something else that is going to be sweet too.
None of the classes are spiritual in any way, I am finding for myself, it allows me in the post hyperventilation glow to find things that work well for me. 
At this point in my journey I am finding that I need to be in that yoga class at least 4 times a week.
I only go to the hot classes. I spend and hour sweating more then any other time in my whole life; for me, the sweating is another way of crying, and releasing all that sorrow, grief, weight and pushed down emotions. No one can tell if you are crying in those sweaty one cares.
It is so liberating and cathartic for me.
 I am doing less art right now, as all that energy is spent on my practice. I wake up at 4:30 in the am on some days to get to class before work. It feels good,
once I convince my eyes they really do want to be open.
I had a talk with myself asking, how much longer do I want to ask a question that I will never get an answer for or an answer I will like?
Do I still want to grieve, mourn and be debilitated by sadness?
What do I really want?
The answer for me was to simply be happy, just a casual unprocessed happy.
The Barren and I shared a meal last night (he has been traveling a lot for work) and he asked how I was, I told him that I stress about money when I need to think about it,
but other than that I am really content.
This are far from perfect and this life has been full of surprises, most of which were not good ones.
I feel now, that I am really working on a reincarnation, I picked a new path.
It is not easy, I still find myself watching adorable poppins play in fountains and squeal through parks and outdoor patios, but I find myself asking why not me a lot less.

Friday, August 02, 2013


I wanted to check in with you
I am doing well, in fact I really feel like things are changing for real!
Today I am relaxing and collecting thoughts
I will be back soon
Have a peaceful weekend
be kind to yourself