Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Finding my way

I don't know exactly when it happened or how...but something has shifted in a new and better way.
Do you ever have those moments when you realize that after much effort and not much thought about how long you have been at shifts.
I have recently realized this;  my eyes are clearing, my heart is sadness is abating.
I don't know what I did, so I am hesitate to turn too quickly or jump up and down for joy.
I have been tested too, there is no doubt about that.
We had our 10 year old niece this last weekend and had fun for the most part, but there was a lot of negotiating. Like getting into the shower after the pool (first world problem I know), or begging her to finally go to sleep in the dark at midnight (after I had been up since 4:30am for yoga that same day), and then the final physically lifting her into the car to go home
and her crying over half way back.
I mostly thought, fuck, I am too old for this shit....
As she whimpered from the back seat folded over her pillow, I used phrases like:
" I hear what you are saying, I know you are disappointed, but we made a promise to be home at a certain time and we have to stick by it"
"I am sorry you are so frustrated, I understand you and know how you feel"
" It is breaking my heart that this is how our fun time is ending"
I then tried to regain normalcy, I knew she wouldn't talk to me, but she was listening, so I sang along with this song...and told her how it was my favorite one right now: 
as she heard my voice join the music she picked her head off the pillow,
and looked at me in a new way. I kept singing over and over
I love you
   I love you....
By the time we got home she was talking to me again, telling me how she was watching youtube videos about how to make "cat eyes" and I told her I would try to do them and
then send her a picture of my trials.
I have a 10year old niece, who I struggled to understand and keep up with all weekend long. The Barren and I both crumbled to dust when her crocodile tears appeared and we both realized that we are not at a point in our lives anymore where we could parent and play....
we can only do one or the other.
Is that wrong to admit ?
This was followed by me making a belly cast of my SIL who is due in just a couple weeks.
This whole pregnancy I have not asked to feel her tummy, I don't feel a need to anymore.
It is beautiful and she is careful to not complain about her pregnancy around me....I think that is really kind. As I was building the layers of plaster around, further and further away from her skin, I found that I started to admire the form, the round fullness and wondered why not mine...
it lasted for only a moment and then washed away, I felt light again...
I think I am really making a new neuro-pathway.
It is a delicate structure still, I understand that, but I am actually building it
and it feels quite empowering.
When I returned from the emotional roller coaster, The Barren and I went out for a glass of wine and cheese. We just dropped everything and did we were slowly getting loopy we flirted with the idea of a late movie or a night time wander...for us the whole night was still ahead

Monday, July 15, 2013

Weapon of my own construction

I am crazed.
I went to yoga four times last week and have plans to do the same again this week.
I am addicted to the momentary feelings of freedom.
No one talks in class, no one shares baby pictures,
or complains about how they are exhausted from a sleepless night.
There are no children at the studio.
No prenatal classes, or kids classes.
I am free.
It is a strange sensation, a new one and I feel as though it is allowing me to forge my new path.
I am working hard to create this new vision for myself, but I am in with both feet!
I am making sure that I feel good, complete and without guilt.
That is no small potato
I am working hard in my art and in my relationships.
If it doesn't feel good, I smile and walk away.
Even in its short amount of time, I have found this return to my practice
has already served as a weapon of protection.
I had dinner with my crazy ass SIL and her sons on Friday, at The Barrens mom's place.
My nephews didn't recognize me, and asked The Barren who the stranger was.
Heartbroken, but not surprised I complimented them
on their good "stranger danger" reactions to my greetings.
At the dinner table, my SIL offered me her 5year old again.
Thankfully, this time she did it in front of her mother
and her father in law
 and The Barren
and in earshot of her eldest son.
I didn't respond.

I was floating in a post yoga bliss and all negative bounced off my lovely
iridescent bubble, and floated far away from me and my heart.
I have built a new weapon to battle hurt.
Self love, care and preservation

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Wide Open

So I am totally addicted.
The first class was tough, I was told by others who had taken the class that the best thing to do was really hydrate yourself before class.
SO I really took this to heart and the pre-hydration preparation had me peeing every 10minutes!

I must admit, that everytime I drank a glass of water, my mind took me to thinking that I was preparing for a pelvic ultrasound; but I am retraining my neural pathways, and telling them
"nope you are drinking water because you are about to sweat so much it is gonna feel like all the butter you have ever eaten will be running out of your pores"
The first class was HOT, 105degrees, we selected the "hot class" kind of by accident, the others are listed as hot too but this one takes the cake. One of the two ladies I signed up with picked me up from work and we were both making jokes the whole time,
until we hit the heated room and then it was game time!
We took it slow, we dripped sweat, she made me keep my eyes open, so she "knew I was alive"
There were maybe 10 of us in there, one man and the rest women in various levels of practice and aside from my getting dizzy,
I completed to the best of my ability, 22 of the 26 postures.
We fought with the reflections in the mirrors and are starting to understand there is no hiding from them. I even caught myself seeing myself...but I still prefer to position myself in just the right way, that I can not make out my whole body.
We felt quite happy when we were done and I felt like I had taken a bunch of speed,
after the internal blast furnace shut off.

Yesterday we all went to the level two class, this one is only 90degrees and was PACKED with beautiful people. The teacher spoke quickly to keep the pace up and I was drenched in 10minutes, and confused what pose I was suppose to do but I was able to stop when I got weak or dizzy and there was no judgement. I caught sight of my friends in their practice and we all were in our own minds and bodies. Each of us sporting a beet red face. I can say it is quite startling to see myself as I am PALE, PALE person and then I have a fuchsia is something to behold.
The class moved fast and reminded me that I use to really enjoy this, I use to practice 4x a week right after The Barren and I got married. The lady next to me was recovering from an injury and she mentioned that very thought. " we always say how great we felt when doing yoga, or I was in such great shape...and then we walk away from it. Why?"

As we rounded out the class there was a chance to hold Tree Pose however you felt it should be.
Hands at heart, above your head, behind you, twisted....
Without thought, just by pure action I found my arms shoot straight out-
outreached at my sides, heart lifted and a smirk!
I was welcoming in this new action
I felt free
Free of guilt, sadness, sorrow, shame, pressure

I am wide open

Friday, July 05, 2013

Smell of ink

I've been a little MIA, sorry about that.
I have been dealing with panic attacks and reality checks
and striving to live in between it all.

I haven't had black tea in over a week, I have cut most of the things I need to from my diet.
I got a jump rope and did a little jogging the other day...
I don't run, I never have but always fantasied about it.
Sadly, my knees were made wrong for running and all it does is deteriorate my cartilage, I use to be a StairMaster maven, but when the crackling in my knees became too much the doc explained how my knees are built wrong for that much low impact to no impact is way better for the longevity of them. 
I convinced myself that if I was out walking why not try a little trotting, it was early morning and
no one would see me, as I was totally embarrassed that I would look like a total fool.
Just as I started to jog my next door neighbor turns the corner and sees me
trotting, huffing and I smile and jog past her.
I was mortified.
I have taken to just power walking again....
Then I got an email from a friend telling me of this great deal for yoga.
She was signing up and so was another friend...
so I fought all my interior voice that were screaming
" are you crazy!"
and signed up for a month of what turns out to be HOT yoga and "powercore" at that!
Humility will step aside once again...
while this lovely pear goes to yoga with the beautiful beanpoles.
I am also working away like a busy little Barreness.
I am printing up what has turned out to be a small storm, the house smells of ink and baby oil.
I am making progress and that seems to be lulling the panic as I can see the progress,
although there is still a lot to do before the window dressing on the 18th.
I have two friends that are willing to help with whatever I need last minute help with...
so thankful
In the meantime I am happy
I am given more restrictions and more pressure and I am smiling.
go figure