Friday, May 17, 2013

What now...

Firstly, thank you Stirrup Queens for mentioning my most recent post
(hearts and hugs and love to you)
thank you also to those who have arrived here because of her words
you too are AWESOME!

I was pretty spent once Monday rolled around.
What I neglected to mention was that the weekend prior to Mother's Day I went and got a box of 10 blank cards (in case I decided at the last minute to change my mind and not do this project, I could still use the cards for "real life"), in addition I also got a couple specially selected Mother's day cards for women in my life, my mother and a woman who was about to celebrate mother's day for the first time after 10years of struggling with IF.
I sat down the week before and hand wrote messages in each of them.
I took breaks, but sat there and thought about each woman and found myself imagining what her day would possibly be like. Sounds, smells, and sights.
I am sure I infused a bit of my own fantasies, but hell it was my project I can do what I want.
Yep, even mailed one to that SIL
I mailed them off on the Thursday before M.D.
and patted myself on the back,
thinking I might have taken the first step onto a new path.
One that had me beginning this new hope for a self that is more then infertility.
( I am a cautious hoper, I am sure many of us are now)
What ended up happening was that I couldn't stop thinking about those cards...
first I wondered if anyone got them
then I wondered if it meant anything to them
then I wondered why they didn't mention to me that they got a card from me
then I got depressed thinking I had spent energy trying to make myself evolve
and instead all I did was push myself back.

Was it worth it, I mean did I do it for the right reasons?
The jury is still out on that one.

In reflection:
Much like my NIAW writing, I am thinking that Mother's Day needs to be reduced in my mind, to something closer to Labor day; a holiday, but no one really knows what to do with it.
For me Mother's day will never be what I though it would be,
but I don't need to take it away from others.

So I am onto other more pressing items on my to-do list.
Step One: decide which direction to head



Stinky said...

Oooh that sounds tricky. Sounds like you went into it from the right place, right intention, but its hard to know, without the external (not 'validation' but . .. whats the word? Feedback) whether the message received was the same as the one sent.
I find when things I have done 'niggle' like that (usually posts online) I go back and edit them, but I know you can't do that with the postal service!

Rebecca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebecca said...

Hi from ICLW. Blank paper always is a challenge I face when trying to figure out what to say that won't offend, much like what to post for a comment on a blog I've not followed before. However with blog comments I can remove them unlike when sending mail through USPS.

Egg Timer said...

It's hard sometimes when you put yourself out there and you don't get the response back that you expect. Perhaps they will respond one day, or let you know, perhaps they were overwhelmed with things and being thoughtless or forgetful. The important thing is that you evolved and made the change in you, but you can't change them or how they will respond to something.

nicole said...

I have basically ignored Mother's Day for the past few years, with the exception of giving my own mom something (and only because it means something to her). This year, I was feeling better about it - so I sent my aunts cards too and some text messages to close friends who are moms and understand me. I still stayed away Facebook. I think it is good to reduce the holiday in our minds. It is just another one that's made up. And like most holidays, it makes a lot of people feel bad.

Good on you for sending out love. You are a very sweet and loving human. Always remember that!