Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Phonecall

I miss these phones,
you could slam them against things and make dents
I was reaching out to a couple people I know in an effort to help a fellow friend make a couple connections for possible job opportunities.
It is WAY out of my nature to ask or refer to myself as a bridge for someone to get something.
I guess I don't feel like I hold that level of importance or something.
you know like, I know someone, and they work at this place and a third person I know wants to work at said place and so I introduce them so they can chat or make that connection.
I just wanted to do whatever I could to help this awesome friend, so I got over it for the morning.
Well, one of the calls back, with a more then happy to help person, came from someone I have only really casually spoken to over the years. She is CRAZY smart, you know, speaks 5 languages fluently and has 245thousand extra letters after her name from degrees she has collected over time.
She is about to be 35yrs old, and is very involved in her career.
She got married a couple of years ago to a friend of The Barren.
When we were chatting about the easiest and best way to get my friend and her to contact one another she got kind of quiet.
I asked if she had more travel plans in line for the year.
She said those heartbreaking words
" I don't know if this is the right time to say this but...."
She then told me that she threw out her BCP when she got engaged and after three years found out that she has PCOS.
I was bathed in a calm, a heartbreaking calm
I told her I was so sorry, and how heartbreaking it is.
She then began to talk about everything; and I began to listen with a heavy heart.
She told me how people are relentlessly asking her when she is going to start a family and that it kills her a little each time.
"it is in gods hands" is her normal response,
she said for her it gets them to stop asking and that it conveys that she is wanting children and is not a child hater or shunning the idea/hope.
(seriously, isn't it amazing that people jump to the idea that we don't like kids because we don't have them....ughhhhh)
She mentioned how she feels like she is letting her family down, her brother is gay and she is the families only hope for grandchildren and that she is letting them down.
I said the words that I work to believe everyday:
" This is not your fault, you didn't do this"
I then tried to assure her that she would find the right choices for herself.
I told her that she and her hubby would find their path, and that maybe she could mention it to her family too, that she was struggling...and needed some extra love and compassion.
She mentioned that her husband said to her
"that if she took better care of herself this wouldn't have happened."
He told her "you should call The Barreness and The Barren, they know about what you are going through"
(notice the lack of engagement from hubby, it is all her, not him)
I felt like my friends did, wanting to find a cast iron pan and lop him upside his head.
I repeated the mantra:
This is not your fault, you did not do this
I told her that it was important to remember it when things got dark
She said she was offered a job out of the US and was considering it. She said she needed to find a new path, a new purpose, a new reason for being who she was.
It broke my heart a little more
but I completely understood.
I mentioned that this process is a lifelong one, some days are good and some are bad.
I gave her an exercise my therapist gave me and she said she would try it.
When the call was over she thanked me and I told her I believed in her and her choices that were right for her, she needed to make those paramount.
After hanging up the phone, The Barren who overheard the whole call said:
" are you OK, that was a lot for you"
I said: " We are the infertility hotline, we can answer all questions.
Our phones are open 24/7"
I got up, pulled two sticks of butter out of the fridge and made cookies.
It was a lot


Wolfers said...

You are strong, believe it or not. That takes strength to talk with someone who is going through that. There is someone who is angry/sad about her miscarriage, among my friends, yet I find myself unable to talk with her. I feel bad about that...
Cookies, that'd help. :)

I made triple chocolate brownies, as well.

Mali said...

I'm not sure how you felt about this, but cookies are always good! You sound like a great friend - helping two people with one phone call.

I know I have always felt talking to others, knowing that - for them - having someone available to listen helps so much, has always helped me. It makes sense of the craziness I went through in some way. The only proviso is to be sure that you don't take on their grief as your own.

nicole said...

A therapist and I once talked about how listening to someone else's grief about something we've gone through is in one way therapeutic and in another way, overwhelming and it can be too much. You are wonderful for taking that burden, but I know so well how hard it weighed on you afterward.