Yep, it is my birthday today.
I am not feeling a whole lot of festive.
I have been pulling myself through the week.
I know I have a lot to celebrate and how thankful I am for this life.
My parents are alive and mostly healthy, my body seems to be acting civil towards me,
I have an amazing husband and I am able to explore my art.
I am thankful.
I also have this overwhelming feeling that I don't deserve a celebration.
Like I have not done enough to earn it.
It is the battle I have been fighting.
All week, and last I was telling The Barren I didn't want to talk about my birthday,
it was too emotional.
But...knowing me as well as he does,
I have overstressed my beloved, as he knows
I will want to be surrounded by friends at the last moment
and then he will be at a loss.
So to reduce The Barrens stress level I have helped him out this year.
I decided that maybe a cake eating party would make me feel better.
I will report back on that.
I am sending out the last minute invites today.
I also plan on dressing up and
we are having dinner with the parents tonight, and I know that should set me strait.
In beginning my birthday reflections,
I think I might go silent next year for NIAW, or not post anything in regards to my infertility.
I hope that this year, I can begin to make a metamorphosis and start to tilt the scales away from
being the infertile woman...and more about being the artist who also has
a body of work about infertility.
I plan on making a new list of goals for myself....
and eating loads of cake
with ice cream