Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Oscar stabbing-Fluff

***warning this is a fluff piece*****

I searched high and low for a film clip, but alas the Youtubes let me down.
I was watching the pre-Oscar show that highlights all the superficial elements of the Oscars...how people look and the diamonds and gowns and who knows who....anyhoo.
Giuliana Rancic was debuting her new " look at me" shorter hairdo in time for the Oscar's and was all aglow when she spied Reese and was so overcome with girlcrush and envy you could almost make out her green eyes...Her commentary suddenly turned and she made Ryan Seacreast ask Reese what  the secret was of her AMAZING hair.
Reese overcome with pride and glee said to tell Giuliana:
" I just had a baby, and it makes your hair amazing, you know what that is like"
As professional as she was, Giuliana could not hide her dropped jaw/pained face
 at Reese's caviler response.
No pretty gown, new hairdo, adoption or money could fix it.
As much as she bugs me, and has been IF insensitive herself post adoption,
 I felt for her at that moment.
I could only find this reference to the question and answer online:
Reese Witherspoon wore bombshell waves and her signature blue eyeshadow. Oh, and she told Giuliana Rancic her secret to such voluminous hair (other than Renato, the same guy who styled Jessica): "I just had a baby! I'm not looking forward to when you lose all the hair after the baby."



Sunday, February 24, 2013

You Hip-Hop, and you don't stop

OK so it has taken about a week post period to feel like me again...What a living HELL that was.
In the wake of my latest Barreness kick-assing, I am feeling puffy, but ready to get back onto the path that makes me happy.
I am currently in what I can only assume is an artistic block.
I was feeling this coming on but figured I was just distracted with getting things in order, and a little new years organization fervor.
In reality....
I think the last three rejections to exhibitions have been a hit to my sense of creative self...I am use to rejection, it is part of the exhibition process...but I guess these last three in a row have been a little harder to step over.
For a short period of time I was ready to open the paper, dust off the traditional resume and hit the pavement, but instead I found myself curled around the ipad, reading the deadline websites for art exhibitions.
So I know I am suppose to keep making art,
I just need to find the rhythm to start jumping rope again....
I'm making The Barreness jump with me now!
I met a friend for tea and I had brought my folder of exhibition information with me, I had arrived a little earlier then our planned time and wanted to keep my brain in the game.
I keep the submission information for upcoming opportunites all in binder that has them in due date order and then shipping and submission information following.
This way I can see the constant timeline in action.
Keep a fire under my ass
She spied it and asked what it was, I showed her the current stack of information I was sorting through.
She was floored and said: you just submit over and over?
Me: All year long, it is all I can do.
It sounded strange but it is true, I am the mistress of my destiny now.
As Conan said:
"If you work really hard, and you're kind, amazing things will happen."
I am working for my amazing!

Monday, February 18, 2013

Rocks, and sticks

image via vintagegal
I wanted to post all week, in fact I was so sure that my week off was gonna go smooth I "played hookie" on Tuesday when I felt a little worn on waking for work.
I imagined spending a week making art, and honoring my body's needs. 
I was sluggish and wanted to be kind to myself.
It was the calm before the storm to say the least!
By Tuesday night I had cramps but no period, so I went out with girl friends to distract myself.
I had a glass of wine, shared some time and by the time I got home I was spent...I figured it was any moment before good ol'Flo was gonna show up...but no.
Wednesday I was even more tired and crampy but I kept on trying to distract myself and made some food for a friend in need and delivered some valentines locally. By the time I got back from that little outing I was shaking from pain, and my period had finally started. I took my normal 12hour pain pill and figured all would be taken care of in an hour and I was good to go.
Boy was I wrong...
The next four days were spent sweating, shivering, cramping and calling a pharmacist to see what pain pills could be taken together. I soaked in tubs, walked in circles, curled into fetal balls, and whimpered a lot.
I repeated a mantra: I am thankful for my Frankenstein ovary, I am thankful for my angry uterus.
I can feel all they are capable of, and I am thankful for that.
No romantic valentines days here, I had a migrane and such severe breakthru pain, I passed out after taking a Norco. I scared The Barren well enough that he stayed home Friday to make sure I was alright, as what he saw was familiar of times past.
I was scared and worked really hard on not visualizing every ovarian and uterine catastrophe possible. I then vocalized each of those to diminish their power, and laughed in their faces...while crying. I think The Barreness was cooking up some party games for me.
Yesterday, was the party to announce my SIL pregnancy to the family. I was prepared, and mostly comfortable enough to wear something other then PJ's, my period seemed to have stopped and I could see the light at the end of the tunnel....but The Barren was not on board I found.
He was grumpy and sad and concerned.
As lovely as the news is, it is also the reminder of what we got overlooked for.
We left a little early and after the announcement, and headed home.
I was cramping again, and bleeding again.
We sat and watched Downton, and headed to bed...then after a night filled with discomfort, I awoke with extreme stomach pains...
I sent The Barren to work, texted my work that I was sick AGAIN and faced this alone.
Turns out I got some food bore something, and was about to spend the next few hours buckled in pain, and moaning on the toilet.
Before The Barren left, I was groaning and staying "pull up those straps girl...it will pass."
Then it became, "This is temporary, it will be over soon."
To finally: "I am broken, this is what it feels like to be duped, this is how you break a spirit."
Around 8:30am, after three hours of groaning, my mother called: "what's going on? I thought you were feeling ok"
Me: crying, and whispering " I feel totally broken, I have been insulted and made a fool"
I couldn't help but remember the words from the doctor, after the surgery...You'll be pain free for 6 months at least after surgery..(off the pill). You'll be so much more comfortable.
I am ok once the pill is in my system, but this transition, this first cycle was terrifying, painful, and insulting. I bled out of my clothes again, I was soooo bloated I couldn't put on my pants, I was on heavy pain pills again and totally not functionable. I felt like a child....
I tried to comfort my dear Barren by saying, in the last three months, I have had surgery, gone onto hormone pills and that is a lot of adjusting in a short time. How can I not expect my body to react.
I get kicked a lot by life, but I'm a tough cookie and I always come out the other side.
It seemed to work for him.
I just need to convince myself now.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Laughter...and space

So yesterdays post was heavy, I sat in it all day and went to bed with it.
This morning, I took my time waking up at 5:30am-into a rolling blackout for my area.
I couldn't open the garage door"easily" so I lingered in bed and whispered with The Barren, until the lights came back on. Then I got into the shower...washed my hair and got dressed for a day of work.

No earth shattering big moves or discoveries except I did it. I chose to keep moving forward...I dozed on the way into work as The Barren drove and got an almond crossant to eat with tea for breakfast and then started work.
I did that....continued to move forward.

I did some work and then found this on a blog I read about artists and it made me laugh, and feel ownership of myself and my work.

“I’m in my late 40’s, I’ve got nothing to prove, so I’m going to make whatever the fuck I want.”

I have nothing to prove, I just need to move and make what I am overwhelmed to.
simply plan, simple road to happiness
I am currently obsessed with this song, I feel like a monkey listening to it, bobbing up and down
to the beat....so dance my fellow monkeys, dance!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bumpy, frumpy

I think I have hit a bump...I am feeling a little blue.
Like something is missing or I have forgotten something.
I have chosen to not wash my hair daily...my body yes, but not my hair...which means
I get to create new and exciting hairstyles to hide the shiny look.
Why? because I just don't seem to have it in me.
I went to my women's business meeting last week, only to find that only one other woman could make it. What is normally a night of professional conversations about work and goals and business objectives; ended up being an hour and a half of me listening to this dear woman, spill her heart out all over the table and onto the floor.
She is no longer happy with her long term relationship, she maybe wants to have a baby, she turns 30 this year. She told me about her childhood, the death of her parents, the journey to where she is now. The journey she hopes to take to find an old flame and see if there is something still there.
She wants to change the course of things...and amongst these gems, she also told where to find and how to ask for the town gigolo's services.

A fountain of information! I came home with half the salad I had ordered and exhausted!
When The Barren asked how the night was, I just said, I am still processing it.
It was intense, but a wonderful reminder that no matter how together someone looks, we are all dealing with demons and decisions and heartbreak daily.
In an effort to and shake up my blues,
I went to the farmers market, something I use to do religiously and got great joy from. I know exactly when to go so the place is not filled with strollers or toddlers with fruit juice running down their arms grabbing for any hand that looks like mom or dad's.
I talk with the farmers, I buy fresh local food...I smell the greens and sometimes get a new plant for the patio. I hadn't been in a LONG time and it was sweet that the farmers still recognized me and asked where I had been. I took far too much cash, as I spent it all !
Not bad on a scale of bad things...but still no control and maybe a little compensation for sadness.

Once home I upended my studio AGAIN and have now made great strides in organizing it, I tore up piles of images that were bad (not a critique of the work, but literally, had ink smudges on them or bad printing or some other technical problem that makes them un-showable or sellable)
It was liberating and freed up some much needed space!
But I am still procrastinating and finding time ticking faster and faster.
I need to make new work...I am stuck and distracted.

 I also know that a little someone is laughing at me, knowing that something is around the corner....
I have my first cycle since the surgery next week and I don't know what to expect.
 The unexpected looms large...Fear and Pain are sitting and waiting for their name to be called.
Also almost like a trinity, this week is also the birthday of my goddaughter.
She was born two days before Valentines day, and after I spent 26hours at the hospital with her mother watching her come into the world, while hiding my INCREDIBLE period pain from all there...pain that got me into the ER days later and sedated into a pain free state. Only to realize that my ovary was about to explode. Her mother and I had been trying to get pregnant at the same time...except she was and I wasn't, again.
Sadly this beautiful child's birth reminds me of all that too!

I have to figure out how to get my feet free and tap dancing these bumps away.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

Laughter and tears

Did you ever have that moment when a friend or family member suddenly shifts their appearance and looks like someone all together different and you find them very funny, or scary or foreign?
I don't know this person, but I found this little video today and I was rolling with laughter at how wonderfully he can shift his appearance and become someone else.
He entertained me, scared me but mostly distracted me.
Sometimes you just need some cheap thrills, and this was it for me this morning as I was trying to keep my eyes open and focus on a workday ahead of me:

I send laughter, and wonder your way today