What Remains

 

 

I made it to Thanksgiving at The Viscounts and Viscountess's castle.

My brother (I'll call him The Earl)  showed off his well exercised domestic skills and cooked up some seriously yummy eats. Most of which I could only have a tablespoon of, as my tummy is still quite sensitive to food, in general...and seeing that I really wanted to sample lots of things that were not boiled potato, toast or matzo balls I was eager to have tablespoons of lots of things.

 

The Earls' in-laws were there and it is sad to say all the lady's from that side are also in some phase of struggling with fertility. One opted not to come, I totally understood and empathized. She has in the last year, had multiple IVF rounds and even egg donations all of which came back with no implantation's. The other Sister, was there last night and shared with me that she had to put the breaks on the "games", after $12,000 of heartbreak.

She didn't know I had, had surgery (thanks to the Countess, the Earls wife, keeping mum at my request) and asked what endometriosis was as she had it too but didn't know what it was. I spent some time explaining what I knew about it and she sort of had a light go off in her head.  She told me that she wasn't a candidate for IVF as she was told there were not enough eggs left, and she was too heartbroken to continue. I hugged her and told her I was so sorry....she gazed at her husband playing with our nephew. I could feel what she was feeling, see what she was seeing and I told her sadly that even after all these years, for myself...the pain is still there, but the way I respond to it has changed. She was sort of in shock. I leaned over and whispered to her

" this is not your fault, you did nothing wrong"

She started to cry, and I realized I could offer no other condolence but that for her.

 

After we made it home, The Barren and I settled in for some post tryptophan television watching.

We watched the end of 50/50...we had seen it before and knew what we were in for, but I needed a scapegoat for shedding some tears.

As I let some go he asked me what I was thinking about.

I told him that although I am cancer free and overjoyed at that, I am having a hard time forgetting about what was found and that it is still heartbreaking.

He told me he understood and allowed me to continue to cry.

*

The Barreness has filled my abdomen with scar tissue.

My bladder is fused to my uterus and a fibroid is tucked in the middle of them.

My tubes are not in the right place; they have been pulled and twisted under and below themselves.

I had so much scar tissue she was only able to remove a little endometriosis.

A piece that was trying to attach to my bowel and maybe bits here and there.

She told my beloved that when things get too uncomfortable for me, that a complete hysterectomy was all that was left. She would have to perform this abdominally, as the surrounding organs and space needed exceeded laproscopic conditions.

 

So today the bruises are yellowing, with green undertones...I am able to walk and sit up strait.

I am still swollen, I am slow to the uptake in some ways...but aside from some surface sensitivity on the incisions I am feeling more like me, except a little weepy.