Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Come and Gone

photo via: cc-lovesblog.blogspot
It passed, almost silently.
No fanfare, no candles, no tears.
Yesterday marked the anniversary of the first of our three losses.
I felt it, but quieter this year.
Maybe it is the upcoming surgery that has garnered all my energy
I have been meditating, and focusing on talking about it, to dissipate my fears.
But yesterday, while driving home from work and the car was quiet
I turned to The Barren and said " today is our anniversary"
He looked at me and said there are many anniversaries around now.
Our cousin has just passed this last weekend, after fighting multiple years
with a rare form of lung cancer.
She never smoked or lived in a house with smokers.
I was 5 years older than me.
The Barren didn't have to have a second biopsy for his skin cancer.
Instead they removed another layer of skin and bandaged him up.
Celebration ensued, after we left the office
I kissed him many times over again and again.
We have a 6 month check to monitor its healing.
I visited my grandparents.
They are in a cemetery about an hour and a half away.
I don't usually visit the grave, as I really don't think they are there.
or I hope they are not stuck there.
I knocked on the stone that covers them (like knocking on a door, my dad does that)
and then placed a stone on the marker.
I sat down in front of it and settled in and said "hello".
At that, the stone "fell" off and I said, well hello there.
I texted my brother and said:
 if you want to tell gma and gpa anything,
now would be a good time as I think they are here right now.
The visit was quiet and mostly me crying and asking questions to the warm wind.
Today is Halloween, the house is not decorated,
 my Dia De Los Muertos altar is not built
 I normally do these things with great joy and lightness.
but I seem to be falling behind, my mind easily distracted.
I am trying to be gentle with myself, let it all happen organically, and naturally.
but, I feel sad that I am not together, on top of it or motivated.
Time passes too quickly
I hope to work on the altar tonight


Illanare said...

Thinking of you x

LaLa said...

I am so glad that the Barren is doing okay. And so very sorry for the reminders and losses of late. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Mali said...

Sending hugs.

Nicole said...

So glad that the Barren's skin cancer was taken care of with ease!

and so sorry for the sadness of anniversaries and the stress you are facing with upcoming surgery. I am thinking of you lots as I know what this is life. Big hugs to you, sweet lady.