Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Come and Gone

photo via: cc-lovesblog.blogspot
It passed, almost silently.
No fanfare, no candles, no tears.
Yesterday marked the anniversary of the first of our three losses.
I felt it, but quieter this year.
Maybe it is the upcoming surgery that has garnered all my energy
I have been meditating, and focusing on talking about it, to dissipate my fears.
But yesterday, while driving home from work and the car was quiet
I turned to The Barren and said " today is our anniversary"
He looked at me and said there are many anniversaries around now.
Our cousin has just passed this last weekend, after fighting multiple years
with a rare form of lung cancer.
She never smoked or lived in a house with smokers.
I was 5 years older than me.
The Barren didn't have to have a second biopsy for his skin cancer.
Instead they removed another layer of skin and bandaged him up.
Celebration ensued, after we left the office
I kissed him many times over again and again.
We have a 6 month check to monitor its healing.
I visited my grandparents.
They are in a cemetery about an hour and a half away.
I don't usually visit the grave, as I really don't think they are there.
or I hope they are not stuck there.
I knocked on the stone that covers them (like knocking on a door, my dad does that)
and then placed a stone on the marker.
I sat down in front of it and settled in and said "hello".
At that, the stone "fell" off and I said, well hello there.
I texted my brother and said:
 if you want to tell gma and gpa anything,
now would be a good time as I think they are here right now.
The visit was quiet and mostly me crying and asking questions to the warm wind.
Today is Halloween, the house is not decorated,
 my Dia De Los Muertos altar is not built
 I normally do these things with great joy and lightness.
but I seem to be falling behind, my mind easily distracted.
I am trying to be gentle with myself, let it all happen organically, and naturally.
but, I feel sad that I am not together, on top of it or motivated.
Time passes too quickly
I hope to work on the altar tonight

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Pounding Heart

image via Vintage Printable

The weekend was filled with panic attacks and believe it or not a pregnancy test as AF was super late, from all the stress it turns out.
So The Barren and I went to see Special Lady Doctor yesterday.
I took my LONG list of questions and my 2 inch thick binder of years of results and scans.
 I thought I was having a heart attack at least three times on the drive there.
We got to the appointment a half hour early and waited in silence...The Barren held my hand and commented how he could feel my heart beat in it. I thought it was visible to all at this point.
The half hour wait helped settle it a bit, while I watched HGTV on the lobby TV.
The couple that was having their house redone was an infertile couple that had stopped the renovations when they realized their family was not going to grow as they had thought.
The Barren looked at me and we just said "seriously, this is what we were in time for?!"
They called my name and we walked into the exam heart exploding again.
Thank goodness they didn't take my pulse, as they probably would have called the crash cart out!
We waited in the room for another 20 minutes.
In that time The Barren looked at the stirrups and questioned if they were comfortable. I told him that it was nice that they had covers on them, so they were not cold.
I assured him that I was not going to have an exam.
He was sitting in a tiny recess in the room that served as an in-room changing area.
They had stocked it with cloth gowns, padded hangers and basket full of pads and tampons.
I watched his eyes go back to the basket over and over...I asked him what he was most fascinated by, he said the names of the products seemed strange and spelt weird.
It made me chuckle and recall how these companies tend to find the most obnoxious colors for their packaging. How as a younger version of myself was always mortified to stand in a line with a bright pink package or a bright blue box, or in the really early days a pack of maxi pads that would now double for a bag of diapers!
He then picked up a magazine and happened on an article about Naomi Wolf and her Vaginia book 
it mentions vaginal massage and yoni tapping and he looked at me and said in my next life I want to be a master vaginal massage therapist.
 At this we both laughed and I was left feeling intense and serene love for this man.
The doctor came in and I asked her to go over the results again as the phone call was a hard way to process it all. She saw my list of questions and was happy that I had written them all down. She spent a good chunk of time answering all my questions, telling me what her concerns were and why and laying out a plan. The Barren asked all his questions and addressed his concerns and we in the end decided that it was best to have this surgery.
The lowdown:
I have a mildly elevated CA125, it is 29 (nothing going on is 3, full blown cancer is 100) with this number and a history of endo, she is concerned. She explained how she will try to save my ovary but must also assess the risks of it and she understands my desire to keep as much of me as possible. She also will be removing as much endo as she sees, explaining that it too can become additional endometriomas and we want to avoid that from happening. I will be back on the BCP post surgery.
She told me that my barnacle is the size of a lime, it has grown since it was measured last.
November 16th is the day
the day after tomorrow my beloved is having his second biopsy for his skin cancer...and all my energy is focusing on him and his health.
I love him so deeply.

On the drive home The Barren mentioned that he felt defensive at the end of the appointment as the doctor mentioned all the options while under:
she could put a camera in my uterus and see what is happening in there
She could tie my tubes
She could also remove my septum, which would probably
 "fix my infertility and my history of miscarriages"
it was this comment that made him sad, as it reminded him of how long this journey has been and how we chose not to have surgery to get pregnant. He said it felt like a slap after the fact.
I understand what he is saying...we might never feel comfortable with our choices.
I had a teacher in high school who wasn't able to have kids because of the RH factor, by the time they had it all figured out it was too late for them to have kids.
Although the situation is different, I feel similarly.
We are 9 years older, tackling the personal and emotional challenges of a life without children.
When a simple sentence like "this could fix all your problems" is said the whole house of carefully laid cards falls and we have to slowly start building it again.
My heart is pounding, my heart is aching

The Barreness is laughing

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


I needed a laugh and this did the trick:

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Doing things different...

I am having a REALLY hard time focusing on much of anything right now.
I tried to work in the studio all weekend, but ended up looking like a crazy lady starting something here and walking away to stare at the sky and then come back and focus for another ten minutes and then decide to do laundry or wash dishes.
I know my brain is overwhelmed.
 I know that all those years of therapy have done something, as I realized that the first time I fucked stuff up and that it is not how I want to do it things time.
I am doing things different then when we got our Infertility diagnosis.
Then we told no one for a long time. We suffered together and pushed many friends away not knowing how to ask for help or support.
This new struggle we are facing things differently.
The Barren and I seem to be tag teaming out emotional breaks, so that we can be there for the other. He has shared his recent news with friends and parents.
I have shared my news with just a couple close friends, but I am so glad that I have
...I am too unprepared to share it yet with my parents.
and scared
It feels different to have told these selected few, better I guess.
I know that I can text a grumpy face to a friend and they will totally get it.
I am still having panic attacks, mostly at night when things are quiet and
I am alone with my thoughts.
The Barren and I are a good team, we have walked through hell before,
and still have legs.
I know we can walk through hell again and still have each others hand to hold.
It doesn't feel good to have this sitting over our heads
I don't have to like any of this or be OK with it
I am afraid for my love
I am afraid for myself
I am still very afraid.

Friday, October 12, 2012

The last 24hours

Warning: I bitch a lot in this post
I would like to warn you all, the shit is hitting the fan! Duck when you can, hold on tight if you must...but be warned this world of ours has shifted in a mean and wicked way.
My beloved Barren received a call from his dermatologist yesterday telling him that the two moles he had taken from his face last week were indeed skin cancer and that he needs to come back in to have more, as the Barren calls it : "drilled out". One spot was on his cheek and the other his eyebrow. He is holding it together for the most part but I am fighting my desire to suction cup myself to his side forever now. And I am getting a 100+ sunscreen for him.
The silver lining, is that it is still non invasive, so although it is still scary,
 it is not as scary as it can be.
My doctors office called again yesterday to ask me to book an appointment to speak with the specialist...just as I was meditating on focusing on the rest of my life for a little bit. It drove me over the edge and I finally called my oldest friend to tell her how terrified I was and that I still have over a week before I can see the doctor. She helped me come back from the edge of setting my hair on fire.
We got our property tax in the mail. I am not sure how I feel about it, our bill is less then years past, but our property is also worth half of what we got it at.  Need I say more.
Well there is one more thing, I was contacted by my city telling me I needed a business licence. News to me, as I was only doing small sales off etsy and that just required a resellers permit. I checked the city site multiple times and there is no classification for artist, and I don't rent a commercial space so I figured I didn't need a licence. Well the city decided I needed a licence. So after months of back and forth and asking for clarifications and whys and hows. I got the bill in the mail. Not only did the city charge me for the past four years I have had a sellers permit (I was expecting this) they flipping penalized me for not paying it for the the last four years too! my expected bill is DOUBLE.
I am exhausted and pissed and angry and scared and overwhelmed.
The glass of wine last night was wonderful but FUCK, enough already!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

What the...

cookies crumble

I am a tough a cookie, but this might break me.

I got a call from the doctor specialist yesterday, which was surprising.
Then the sentence "Is this a good time to talk?"
Ohhhh fuck....

So she wants to do surgery.
I told her that was my VERY VERY last option.
I told her that I weigh my comfort and quality of life based on my days pain-free and most of the month is that. I have maybe three days a month where I am uncomfortable but that is it.

She mentioned my back pain and my Barnacle. That damn thing has camped out and slightly grown since my last measurement. Then she said something that freaked me out and pretty much after that, I heard only parts of what she said:

Malignant transformation
apparently she said that if left for long times, endometriomas can get nasty and become malignant.
With your slightly elevated CA125 results* and how long it has been there....

She mentioned that I have a 50% chance of loosing my ovary to it.
She would remove any and all other adhesions that she could see.
She also offered to place an IUD while "I am out" to start the follow-up hormone suppression of additional growths. As I would really be only guaranteed three pain free months post surgery.
Or I start the pill afterwards.

* I had gotten a call last week telling me that my results were within normal levels

I am freaking out, I am mad and I am concerned.
I am lost

I know surgeons want to fix things, I am sceptical that she is trying to fix it, more then prevent catastrophe. I am leery...slow to believe that I have a second edition to this horrible novel.

What I wonder is a million things; but did I do this to myself by staying off the pill too long?
I thought I was being responsible by monitoring the "cyst" but apparently not.

I am swirling and terrified.
I have already made the choice to not had an IUD, aside from being afraid of them, I have a septum in my uterus and I really don't want any complications from the placement.
I also know that I am terrified of loosing my ovary and then my sex drive.

The Barren and I meet with her in a week and a half.
I am composing a list of questions and alternatives.
until then I am trying to not throw-up or think of something deadly incubating in me.

Thursday, October 04, 2012

It is not what you think....

"You didn't drink enough water...your bladder is not totally full"
(pointing to dark circle on screen)
"I drank two 16oz glasses and a mug of tea...."
"it is OK, this will be fine."
The Barreness: " if I bring a DVD can you make a movie of this like you do for the others?"
Frank the dildo cam man:" well we normally only do it for pregnancies"
The Barreness: "Well, this is all I have"
Frank the dildo cam man: Silence, then ..." I don't see why not, sure bring one next time. Would you like a photo from today?"
The Barreness: " Yes please that would be wonderful, thank you"
You can clearly see the barnacle on my left ovary
that is needing all my attention
I am going to bring a DVD to my next appointment in 6weeks. He went thru the process like an automated man, it was clear that he has been an ultrasound tech for 30 years. He works in a fertility clinic, where he does a myrid of jobs with his ultrasound equiment and
 little ol' me was the hiccup in his day.
 I made sure not to drop it or scratch the surface while I visited the bathroom again before leaving for my drive to work. Although it appeared that I didn't have a full bladder at the beginning of the exam, I had to stop three times along my 40mile trip to work. I looked at the precious image every time I got into the car and each time I had a little vision of what it must be like to see a baby on that paper instead of my I-need-to-be-a-little-bitch-to-you ovaries. I sent the image to The Barren and although we both agreed it was super cool to have the image, it was also kind of sad.
I knew that in the long run I would regret not getting the image.
In the meantime I can forget it in a book or just kind of misplace it for a while...maybe.
At the present, I seem to be totally transfixed on the side by side images, wondering how something so small can rule so much of me. He wasn't able to get a good pic of the big girl (uterus) as she has a split personality and it harder to get to smile for the camera.