Wednesday, August 29, 2012


No wordless Wednesday here:
I'm feeling stepped out comes my soapbox
I went to get a salad for lunch and in the15 minutes it took in my car I heard enough discussion on the current debate of women's health issues that I stormed into my work with lunch in hand and declared:
"I am really concerned about the quality of life women will be facing"
I work with ALL MEN and the first thing that was said in response to me stepping onto my soap box was " I don't understand why these politicians are even involved in women's health issues"
ahh I am glad I work with some progressive men
OK so I am starting to get concerned...more then normal, maybe I am feeding into the chaos...but from what I am hearing and witnessing...things are going apeshit crazy!
This is the spark that has started my fire and desire to speak up:
The recent comments from Todd Akin, and the AMAZING open letter from the multifaceted and talented Eve Ensler (Vagina Monologues creator)
I spent over an hour listening to the RNC last night via NPR news.
I was driving home and it was quiet and I had undistracted time and although the evening events lasted longer then an hour...that is what I had.
NPR had no commentary, just the ability to listen, and I wanted to hear what was being said.
I try and be as educated as possible when I go to vote, I have only missed voting once since registering and that was 20 years ago.
I want to hear both sides, and understand the points of views...
Not a lot of specifics were talked about last night in the hour I listened
...but what was said left me unsettled and scared.
I will continue to listen and watch, but I can say so far, no good.
I am a BARREN WOMAN and I feel like my vagina and uterus is up for discussion, casual conversation and that options about how I choose to live with it are not secure.
I came home to see this wonderful post by Pamela, and felt the same way, I am not being addressed.
When I spoke with The Barren last night when, I said to him, I am feeling like I am on shaky ground.
"I am warning you now; I might start hauling around a bullhorn and soapbox to declare how I am not happy. I am not going to tell others what to do, but I am going to tell political persons what they are doing to me is not OK".
He said: " good deal" and smiled
Uterine power activate, form of strong and vocal woman


Sunday, August 26, 2012


I am going to bitch today...if you have no desire to read me bitching about The Barreness and her wicked mean ways...check back later this week. xo

I have completely torn apart my studio space....
I mean I have every inch of floorspace covered right now...
like a visual temper tantrum.
I have barely hatched out a space for me to sit and type this...but I have. I really wanted to make a better space to work in, weed out things and supplies I was not using to free up space for ones I am using or wanting easier access to tools.
All I have now is a HUGE mess and all week I just keep closing the door and ignoring the door, while deadline are ticking and coming around the corner.
UGH so I am in here now sorting and shifting.
I really am prepared to create anything at anytime...I am a well stocked closet, but it has also shed light on an addiction.
I have an addiction to art supplies. I have a bad one....
image via pinterest
The Barreness has reared her head, she was laying in wait for a while, so I really shouldn't be surprised.
She shot me in the gut Friday...and left me blinded with pain and curled around a heating pad like some crazy 1970's filmstrip movie of how to relieve menstrual pains.
I got panicked again, the pain that I use to experience returned...the constant wave after wave of ever increasing pain in the face of a pain pill scared me...I fear returning to the ER, in fact I will do anything ANYTHING else to avoid that trip and terror.
Friday night was date night, we had gone out and half way to the restaurant I had The Barren return home so I could take my pain pill in time and not over shoot the timing and have a break in the dosing.
We sat at dinner, me blinded and mentally ticking away the minutes till I could hear what he was saying as the pain subsided...smiling grimacing through the pain and discomfort...waiting for the distraction to help sail me past the cramping and pinching and pulling.
Waiting for the food, that took FOREVER to arrive (really it was over an hour) and then pretending that the pain lifted so The Barren could relax a little. As we drove home, I was getting concerned as the pain was still building...The Barren asked ever so softly..." is there something I can do? When do I need to be really concerned? Would you like a bath or should we go somewhere else..." We returned home, me chanting the mantra  "I can take this other pain pill if I need it, we still have options"...then I remembered that horrible filmstrip from 5th grade about heat...and seeing as I could not even keep my eyes open any longer, I opted to have the heating took a little for the Barren to find an extension cord so it would reach me curled into a ball on the couch. I am not sure when it happened but the combination of the heat and pain... but I passed out...I awoke three hours later to The Barren asking how I was...I stumbled into the bedroom and caught sight of myself...I was dead pale...I mean PALE...I fell into bed and The Barren brought the heat pad to me and I curled myself around it and fell into a sleep filled with terror and fears.
The Barreness laughed at me all day yesterday...pushing me down, and hobbling me with constant trips to the bathroom, making sure I bled through at least two pair of pants...she kept me home all day and when night came, only allowed me an hour and a half before opening the faucet for more runs to the toilet. I felt belittled and silly...I am a woman for gods sake, you'd think I'd have this whole -don't bleed on your clothes -thing figured out my now...but it always seems to strike me by surprise.
Stupid! Stupid Stupid....
Today I am facing the studio, well trying least get a good portion of it workable again...less chaos of paper and untwisted...removing things.
I got orders for items from a children's line I use to make, I spent time remembering why I am not making more for that endeavor and then I got an email from a new artist friend telling me she is pregnant and wants to see what items are still available....
the whole world feels upended this weekend...I am aiming for some firmly planted footing this coming week. After all I need to revisit the children items again...just as I was packing them up and moving them out of the studio.
People keep having babies....everyone keeps having babies.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Yes...yes I did

Every once in a while I get curious what it is like to be a girlie girl.
So this year it has manifested as a $14 salad (still trying to calculate those costs)
 and the September issue of VOGUE
Yes I bought the magazine, as well as a handful of new make-up and have sat down for a good put your feet up and enjoy fantasy read.
all the fancy stuff in this salad fell to the bottom of the container

When my 10 year old goddaughter saw the copy of the magazine on the  coffee table, I looked at her and said, "The pictures are all fun to look at but nothing in this magazine is real; none of the women have pores...if you don't have pores you can't be real"
Hopefully, when she is ready to crack open her first "fashion" magazine she remembers that.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Kindergartener

I think they are holding their heads like this to balance the hairstyle

I had tea with another creative, someone I adore and have made friends with recently...we were friendly before but something shifted about a two or so years ago and we just started hanging out was natural and easy and we are both kind of dorky and geeky and giggly. We both have suffered from depression and have come out on the brighter side and can tell when the other is skirting the edge. It is quite refreshing.
So we were having tea on Thursday and talking shop, she is a graphic designer and painter and we talk out creative roadblocks in an effort to figure out how to keep moving. She went first and we talked about her creative and personal road blocks and sipped tea and ate macaroons and figured some shit out...then she looked and me and said "your turn".
I was feeling sort of blue, since my piece didn't sell at the event.

I called the gallery on Tuesday, the event decided to host a "Morning after exhibit" in order to give people an extra chance to purchase art that hadn't sold at the big hootenanny and didn't want to buy entry tickets on top of the art purchase price...I called it the "sloppy seconds" gallery.  So I called there on Tuesday to find out (incognito) if my piece had sold. I did this at work (my other job, I work in an industrial business that my brother owns) and while my mother was visiting me there. So I called and said " Hello I was calling to see if number 55 was still available for sale?" trying to be all sly and disguise-y "Oh, Hi we didn't keep the numbers on the work, can you describe it to me?"  SHIT..."Um...yeah, it was a print, of two women with trophies..." I was kind of freaking out..."OH that one I LOVE that piece, yep it is here." ..gulp" uh, thank you I will tell the person that is interesting in it" "OK, bye..."
My brother, hearing this conversation, started to laugh..." you are going to tell yourself" I hung up the phone and said out loud " Barreness, your work is in the sloppy second gallery, you have shamed your family name" My mother, kind of didn't get this and said, well, your father and I  are going to see it tomorrow...I am glad it is still there. My brother, at my comment realized I was upset.
I took a little walk and came back to finish my work.

Back to Thursday:
I had woken up that morning, dragging, looking forward to meeting my friend and talk about something other then the pity party I had been throwing myself for the last couple days. When she said my turn...I just sighed..she said "unload"...I told her that I was disappointed that my work hadn't sold and that I had really gone out on a limb with new techniques and processes and I had blown all my whistles and rung all my bells. It was silly to be upset about it, as I know how subjective art is and that I am trying to get into a new community of artists and that it is super clique-y and that art is all about who you know and as an art buyer you have to be following artists in order to really gauge what they are making and how they are growing artistically and it SUPER SUCKED that my work was in the sloppy seconds gallery.
She looked at me and said "of course it hurts, the kindergartner in you worked really really hard on that piece and was really proud of it and no one told her they liked it"
I started was validating.

 I kept thinking how I was ushered in, in the 23rd hour to be part of this exhibit, and two people put their names on the line for me and my participation. I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want to make a fool of myself. Like finally being invited to a party and then bringing  food that makes everyone sick. Remembered for all the wrong reasons.

I felt ridiculous, but it made more sense. She reaffirmed that I knew that going that extra mile was the best thing artistically even if the work didn't go home with someone.
We left topic after that....and talked about other shop talk things and giggled.
I was able to breathe again.

I met the Barren at home and told him I finally mourned the lost opportunity and that my continued work hard was just what I needed to keep doing. The phone parents had gone to the gallery, but my piece wasn't there. My father chatted up the gallery gal and she showed him the sales log and there was my name, and there was the name of the sold out of the sloppy seconds gallery.
I asked if they were messing with my head, and my father got all super serious and said:
 "I would not joke about your work."
I think that if I had gotten this information hours earlier it would not have felt as good as it did. I had mourned my little broken hearted kid in me and walked ahead. The Barreness, had slammed that kid really hard but had not won. It was liberating and fulfilling.
The gallery sent an email out the following day with images of the work that was still available for sale and my image was not amongst them. My father had not lied.

* I looked up the name of the buyer, SHE is a super amazing humanitarian who is building schools for girls in Africa. How super cool is that!

Here is the piece she bought:

Monday, August 13, 2012

Sweat and Fears

I have mostly backed away from the cough syrup...and I am blowing my nose far less often now, so I  guess some would say I have made it past my annual Summer cold.

I was trying to remember all the places I might have caught this one and I have it narrowed down to three options:
1. I shook a lot of hands in San Francisco
2. I walked outside where people were
3. I accepted a piece of cheese from my 4yr old nephews hand
(it was a new piece of cheese, but it was transported by his paws)

Regardless, I have made it past the cold AND I seemed to have done a good job keeping The Barren free of my cooties...he even kissed me on the lips this morning!
(I guess the air we exchange while sleeping next to each other didn't count )

I pushed through the worst of the cold Friday and then when Saturday came around I was ready to overextend myself and test the waters to see just how well I was.
I went to a Beer-Fest, I didn't drink but one glass of the good stuff and spent the rest of the day trying not to melt in our uncommon heat. I made cupcakes for the event, my specialty:

"Lemon make you happy nipple twister" cupcakes
a trademark of The Barreness

I left my intoxicated hubby there with friends and ran back home mid day to apply fourteen layers of deodorant and makeup to attend an Art benefit I was part of in a nearby city. It required me wearing something dressier then a Kleenex filled pair of jeans and sweaty top that smelled of sunscreen.

My bestest (my oldest and dearest) was in town so we met for a girl date night and to scope out the scene. I am so glad she came with me, I was able to hide in the shade with her and talk shop and check out what people were doing. The event is a big deal, it raises money for an environmental education program that teaches kids about art and up-cycling materials. I am trying to "break into the art community" in this nearby town and attending these things and being in them is really important for my job. Even if it was 4000 degrees outside there was schmoozing that needed to be done.

The event was sponsored by many big companies one of which was a tequila company and so in the heat they were passing out crazy amounts of tequila cocktails and food.
They had an order to how they let people in: the people that paid extra to get into the venue first; to buy the "first picks", then they would let the artists in, and then the general entry tickets...but in the meantime....we lined up like cattle, drunk well snack food fed cattle, but sweaty creatives none the less...
please stand in the sun with a cocktail
We made it inside, and the art looked great, and I love those art collectors that spent extra to get in first and buy up a bunch of art...then the general public came in after us and the work started flying off the wall....well, most of it

My work was still unsold at the time of this image...along with others...but only slightly defeated I left an hour before the close of the event, I figured a nice dinner with my girlie was far more important then the watched pot/art piece...hopefully it sold by nights end....I'll get an email soonish telling me if and who bought the piece. Mind you, I get none of the funds from this event, so the fact that I want it sold so badly is merely that I have an ego that is fragile and wants to not be the fool that they took a chance on including in this event and didn't sell her work.
Vanity oh sweet vanity I know you...

We stayed out late, ate a great deal of food, and even packed dessert on top of it and shared
"my momma is so crazy" stories to help each other deal with the level of mortality we are being flung into. I got many text messages and missed a few calls from The Barren, who was giving me updates to his level of intoxication and indigestion.

I made it home, and fell into bed, waking up to find a good portion of my mascara on my upper cheeks and the remaining hairspray creating a whole new hairstyle....but happy, and not snotty.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

Strange and Snotty days

I am currently home with a head full of snot so I have time to think....
and ramble.

I changed all my passwords and in the effort to make really good new ones, yet for some reason I can not memorize them, so that is why I have been MIA from here.
I have been thinking almost non-stop about blog ideas and have been writing them down on little pieces of paper so I can blog once I get home, then in the process of getting home, I misplace those pieces of paper. I am sure I will find the lair in which I placed them all one of these days and then go YEAH that is where I put them.

Regardless, I have been in a moving meditation for the last couple of weeks.
 I think out of pure protection from being emotionally overwhelmed and have found it to be good, and enlightening. I have revisited many remembered concepts and beliefs within myself and what I have hoped for my life. Some are practiced daily, others I am still working on.

I had a whirlwind adventure with The Barren, and spent 7hours in San Francisco while he was at a client  meeting.

Snack under a ginkgo tree at the museum

Cy Twombly

I saw an art exhibit I wanted to see and it reconnected with why I love being an artist and why it is so sosososososo isolating at times. I also conquered a fear and by doing so was able to visit my oldest friend. A sweet reward and reminder that I can do whatever I put my mind to...except grow babies and pee standing up in order to hit a fence. (I have tried both)

Last week while working (staring at a wall in an effort to push out a fantastic idea for the next piece of art), I had the background sounds of ambulances, and helicopters non stop for about an hour...even after a few tests with neighbors the answer was never revealed, but the strangeness continued.
I went to get some eats at a local market for dinner and kept hearing along with normal market noises a clomp clomp clomp sound followed by children's voice...then the loop again and a mom giving directions to the soups...then the clomp sounds again.
As I was checking out I saw what it was....
yep, little girls in 4.5inch heels, these heels I had tried them on myself.

What I found most strange is the level of OK people were with 8yr olds in stilettos. The girls often had to stop walking because they were so uncomfortable in the shoes and when they stopped they struck runway model poses...hands on hips, flipping hair. People passing smiled and giggled.
I fumed, I am not one to rain on a parade...I love a good crazy parade. This just seemed so wrong, the dress up can happen in a less public space, in a safer place. Mind you, mom was there and talking about how she was a model when she was younger (much to their surprise) but it was so public and so obvious that these little girls were skirting the edge of girl and woman....ugh I just wept inside knowing that they, much like other little girls, are growing up too too fast.

The weekend had me finally working on some new work and as I settled in I heard some squeals from outside the window...I looked and saw this. A neighbor had been ocean fishing and caught a really big fish. He plopped it down and was talking to his daughter and the neighbor girls about it.
The fish was embarrassed, I am sure

parent returning to nest with dinner

**In another personal triumph**
I have successfully hidden the swallow nest this year from the property management people!! In years past they have knocked the nests down just as they were about to lay eggs.I would spend days weeping from pure empathy...this year I washed all evidence away below the nest and only took photos at night, the reward was being able to watch and hear baby birds outside my studio window.

I know this has been rambly, and really nothing earth shattering...but I mostly wanted to let you all know I am here, I am OK and I am set to thrive!