I am feeling better.
My friend and I had a super intense moment at the reception following the funeral.
I simply sat next to her, silent but calm and interacting with her daughters.
She looked at me and out of no where said " am sorry I pushed you away"
I was floored...I said "it is fine, we all need friends in different ways"
She looked at me like I was crazy.
I told her "I sometimes can only deal with things when I have an arms length of space between myself and others and other times I need someone very close to me"
She said that she:
" freaked out when the friendship wasn't doing what she thought friendships should do",
I just hugged her and said " I am sorry for everything and nothing, none of it and all of it."
It seemed to vaporize the cloud that was smashing between us for so long.
I am sure this will be a work in progress for many years...
The Barren suggested I tell her how I really feel, I told him that a reception post funeral didn't seem like the right time.
He agreed, but urged me to not wait too long.
I had a rough week at work, and with my mind and the evil things it is capable of.
Thank you Barreness
but now I am sitting in the studio ready to get some real work started, done and brainstormed.
I spent last night with two girl friends, they are both artists and the nights focus was gallery shows.
It was so refreshing and invigorating to spend the night out with no drama, no preconceived notions, just art, dinner and chatting.
It was fantastic and when it was over I topped it off with a solo walk in the summer night's air back to my car. The air was warm and smooth, the sun had set but it wasn't dark yet...
I felt alive and free and awake!
***Here is the grab bag part...
Oh and after some serious peer pressure I opened the 50shades book...
stop reading now if you liked the book or don't want to hear my soapbox moment about sexual freedom and liberty.
OK in all truth, I opened it much like a book at a bookstore, flipped to a random page towards the front and and started reading. I figured there wasn't a lot of character development...after reading for about an hour in bed alone The Barren came in to check on me.
He started laughing, saying I didn't look too happy.
"what do you think of it so far?"
I looked up and said, well my first impression was that he was a REALLY bad lover.
He told me to give it some more time.
At that, I handed him the book and he started to read and then roll his eyes and then laugh.
We both laughed a lot reading the book.
He agreed, the writing was bad, the story was silly but, we were both thankful for the nighttime laughs. Sadly, this was not meant to be a comedic book.
The amount of "oh crap" and "see how wet you are" made me cringe and I was bored out of my head from the email exchanges.
Now I know both my SIL and other women LOVE this series, and I think that is great for them but really wonder why?
I know we are still struggling as a gender to find ourselves, to act on our sexual impulses and be OK with wanting and needing sex.
I guess the fervor this book has caused with women maybe just highlighted for me that a majority of women are still not asking for what they really want or need sexually.
I guess I am a lucky girl, for my lover just wants me to be sexually over the moon, and he is willing to do anything to make that happen.
Demand that from your lovers ladies!
Then you can write a really hot novel and we can all be smiling from our one handed reads.
(stepping off the soapbox)
Some other women I know have said they refused to read it because of all the hype.
I told them I would report back.
Here I am reporting:
It is silly, the guy is creepy and self centered. The female lead is self deprecating to a level of annoying at the beginning and then just boring after that.
The sex is mild, and if you haven't had some saucy/kinky sex by now, get cracking, because this is not saucy/kinky sex....you can think of far more interesting sex...trust me, I know you are creative women!
In the end, I thought it was beyond boring and disappointing.
by hey, we all beat off to a different drummer.