Sunday, May 20, 2012


I am actually at home all weekend, and working on some new work; while fielding calls from Mom and Dad asking medicine questions.
This is good, because not only are things getting a little better there, I also got pancakes yesterday!
Hubby makes a mean pancake and I am only to happy to be part of the taste testing as he explores new recipes. He loves my I am happy to fill it with pancakes!

Sunday for some reason is one of most favorite days...I don't really know why, as the looming following day of work is one that makes the day seem its casualness is often interrupted with chores and crap like that....but I really love the sleepiness of Sunday.

One of my many favorite things to do is make tents for the cats.
Yes, I am that woman

Monday, May 14, 2012

Mental health time

So my mind is pretty cooked, I am sure that comes as no surprise to most of you.
(the fact that I can say that is still amazing to me,
I have people that actually read this blog
and write lovely little notes to me )
Anyhoo, it might be another week before I can really put words together in a way that makes sense*.
I am currently re-charging my laughter cells, and heart with a book a dear wonderful friend sent me:

book info

I literally can only read for moments before I am laughing so hard tears are rolling down my cheeks
I am so thankful for that

This weekend, I spent my first two days away from mom
(well, except for calling at medicine taking times to make sure dad was on top of things)
I read, napped
and hung out with hubby.

I totally had nothing in me when Sunday came around....I came to peace with this
as I was soaking in the tub Saturday night.
I looked up at hubby; who was keeping me company
 so I don't fall asleep and drown
and I said
" I don't think I have anything left to give to mom right now...I gonna have to call her instead"

He said: "well you did just mostly kind of spend the last month keeping her alive, I think she'll understand"

She seemed to; she called me last night to tell me that she went to the Farmers Market and met with some friends and then came home and fell asleep for four hours.
Today she meets with the doctor who last did his exam on her while she was out cold...she snored thru the whole exam. I think he'll be happy with her progress.

A toast to antibiotics!

*see I am a little loopy still, I'll me more normalish soon

***p.s. I just got a call from my mother, telling me she has decided to stop taking some of her medications.
She is fine.
It might be a little longer then a week....

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

So many days have past....

blood transfusion
I am sad to report that I have been spending this last month in the hospital.
I am not the patient but instead my mother still is.
The infection spread to her knee, or started there, or her mouth post dental work or in her bladder or in her kidney or....the theories are stacked but none hold a clear answer.

Not all of us are cut out to be caregivers, it requires a kind of patience that after serval days wears thin...and then thinner and thinner and thinner. My parents dealt with it over and over again, with grandparents living with us because no one else stepped up.

I was the person who stepped up first and stayed the latest.
I am not tooting my horn, in fact I have a really hard time accepting compliments or accolades for anything I do. Which makes acknowledgements of what I have done this past month make me want to run for the hills.
pages of observation
So, I have essentially been living by my mothers side this last month; so my father could get some sleep and do some work that was piling up and visit his clients.
I worked when I could at my other job, for an hour here and there; waking at 4:30am to call the nurses station and then send 10 people text message early am updates, then get myself dressed and drive the 45minutes into town to sit at the hospital all day.
Write down every pill she took, every temperture recorded, every minute of how long she slept and what she was hallucinating about. Ask the correct questions of doctors and chase down nurses or get cups of ice. Send my father home to make sure he ate and took his evening pills and got some time with his eyes closed. Send text messages all day long to additional people as they requested new information and came up with questions of their own. Then around 7pm, put myself into a car, drive the 45minutes home, arrive home and remember that I had not eaten all day, find something in the fridge or on the counter to push into my mouth before taking a shower, kissing my already sleeping hubby and crying myself to sleep to start it all again.
I haven't seen hubby but for the evenings, as I crawl into bed. I haven't had any studio time in the last month. I have missed submission deadlines, avoided answering emails, gave up my garden plot, and put everything else on the back burner.
Although I speak to my brother throughout the day, my brother took the time to send me a text thanking my for everything I have done, as he is not able to be as patient as is needed or as compassionate as the situation requires. It made me cry.
My hubby told me on the phone that a co-worker asked how he was, he said:
" my wife leaves really early in the morning, and I don't see her all day.
Then she comes home really late at night,;she sits for half an hour and cries and then
falls asleep. Night after night"

I got a call from my father last night while driving home telling me that my mother chose me to be her physical therapst for her home care. I started to cry, weep...I am spent.
After a sleepless night, I found the inner advocate this morning and told my father during our early am call that I can not be everything, mother needs an outside PT person. I can help do the homework but someone else needs to be added to the mix.
It was amazing to hear those words come from my mouth, I felt horrible telling my father that I couldn't do something for my mother or him. I struggle with that but know that I need some mental health time too.
As I was sitting next to my narcotic doozing mother today, wondering if I would ever see the fighter that she once was again, she sat strait up and said " I want to walk outside"
We got up and out the was her longest walk in the last month.
She went out the door, to the neighbors, turned and up a walking path...and back inside.
It was like winning the lottery, like maybe it will be ok afterall.
Maybe I will get my life back again and have breakfast with my hubby again soon.
Breaking out of her box