Firstly, thank you for your sweet and tender words of care.
Hubby mentioned that he wanted to do something this year to mark the loss.
So as the date gets closer, we are exploring meaningful acts that would work for us.
In the meantime...I have been buried in the studio and making art, and mailing submission after submission. The creative act is cathartic and essential for me but it has me thinking about a little break from everything!
It is not so easy, because of a little metal nut,(literally) that our cat ate earlier this year we have been "grounded" of sorts.
It was an expensive vet, ER, surgery and recovery thing that left us with little money.
I am very very thankful for the credit cards and the ability to take care of the cat, who is now happy and fat and playful. We are his people and it is our job to care for him after all.
I am sure many of you out there can relate, with cost from IF treatments
Summertime has past, and been a different one for us, well most of this year will be, so we are getting "creative" with our fun time.
We stay at home, watch movies via streaming every now and again...eat out on date night only (Friday's) and visit the bookstore, but don't buy anything. We have cut almost all extras out...My birthday was a potluck, Our anniversary will be a dinner at home most likely, Xmas will be handmade...
It is nice but doesn't stop our driving desire to get the HELL OUT OF DODGE
We are travelers, we are explorers...we are the people who take the long road home so we can find new things...but as much as I run numbers and theories thru my head, we don't have any money to do what we want to do most right now: travel.
****bitching about to begin ****
(you can skip down to my call out to the universe below)
We haven't had a break from all this "can't have a baby" stuff since it was started, 7 years ago!
Our honeymoon took two years of saving, and was our hope to make a baby, by relaxing and getting away (we went to eastern Europe in the winter)...but I was in so much pain, I was either asleep from vicodin or crying. (super romantic) and on return I was in the ER for an ovarian cyst that was about to explode.
SERIOUSLY when do we get a honeymoon ?!
A sweet relaxing, run on the beach (or assorted other lovely places) with the wind in our hair, laughing and smiling and eating lovely foods all while being naked and happy.
We had an extended weekend here and there, but we were either going to a funeral on the East coast, joining two families (5 kids) at a lake or driving for 10hours to meet family for 24hours then then driving back home to get to work. Those were our break aways....
Call out to the universe!!
I just want to put that out there universe, I think we need a break.
A good one too: not a "hey, here is a three day weekend" kind...or "we'll waive that $5 fee for you"
and my sisterhood needs one too!
All these ladies and gents have been pouring every ounce of love and hope out there and not catching a break. We are do-gooders and kind heart, we help others and clean up after ourselves, we hug strangers and offer kind words. We are the breathe of fresh air and why people are so glad to meet us, because " they are so nice"
Come on, there is a lot of crap out there right now, and a lot of crappy people are getting really big breaks...why not spread the good things to us:
KIND HEARTED SOULS
the ones that SMILE thru pain
LAUGH AT TRIALS AND CHALLENGES
STILL BELIEVE THERE IS GOOD IN THE WORLD
We have held up our deal...now you can do some work too!!
It is the Autumnal equinox..we are tucking the sun into bed, like a cocoon...
I hope this weekend will be the start of something better for us all!
*I didn't want to write about this, but after meditating on why it became obvious I needed to*
I don't watch television or listen to the radio on this day...I don't like to remember this day.
This day was a devastating day for too many people (understatement)
and I don't like to relive it or be reminded of it.
It is not that I do not acknowledge it, or honor it...it is simply too too painful still.
Five years ago in the early morning hours I was sitting on my Nana's bed, whispering into her ear, smiling with a brave face and taking deep breaths for her. She meanwhile was struggling to take her own air and was slowly slipping into her next journey...
I know she if fine, she told me so...but it still hurts.
10years ago I was working at a map company and my job RADICALLY changed from a simple customer service person, to a witness, a confidant, and a person of interest. I was thrown into the chaos of the day, all while trying to comprehend what was happening and terrified of the immediate hate that that would be set into motion. The simple interesting job that I had taken on a mere year beforehand was now all consuming in my dreams and thoughts.
This day set into motion several more years of nightmarish phone conversations
from strangers and officials.
I don't like to remember this day; not because I do not care, but because I care so so very much.
Today we went to a bar mitzvah, I am pretty sure everyone knows what that is so I am not going to link it to a wiki explanation. It was for a son of a second or third cousin...regardless, someone we keep in contact with but are far from close to.
I have no idea what the teen is like to talk to, or what his favorite food is.
I simply know he is family and that it was important to acknowledge this passage into adulthood.
We got there a little early, found a seat and started to watch people arrive.
We are not religious people, so when in a house of worship, we take the time to look around
and take in all the treasures, this place looked like the inside of a ship...like we were inside an ark.
It was pretty cool and intimate; we didn't feel lost in a big building or
removed from where the service was being held.
When the ceremony started we followed along and sang the hymns we knew and followed the instructions of the rabbi. It was mellow and we didn't feel silly for not knowing the words or a prayer.
Once the Bar Mitzvah boy took the stage we all smiled and encouraged him along. He did wonderful, seemed calm and ready for his reading.
( he arrived with bright green headphones on, mouthing words to himself it was cute)
When he finally read his portion I started to feel weepy...I am not sure why, but I kept it together...trying to follow along. I mean why cry at a Bar Mitzvah?!
Who does that!
When his parents came up to present him with his personal prayer shawl, I began to cry, then his mom and dad spoke and offered words of love and advice and I couldn't keep it in any longer,
I let myself cry.
Hubby saw this and simply placed his hand on my leg and kept it there...letting me know I was not alone.
When the service was finished I went to the bathroom, and found other women there who were checking their mascara. They were expressing what a beautiful service it was and how they were crying at the mothers words to her son.
I stayed in the stall for as long as I could, allowing the others to clear out before checking my own makeup.
I found hubby outside and chatting with some other family, we shared some conversations with my godparents and the bar mitzvah boy's grandparents. It was at this moment I decided to not attend the reception. Hubby was fine with this, although it did seem to disappoint our family a little.
(I am a big pleaser, so this decision left me feeling quite guilty)
As we drove away in silence I was reflecting why I had decided to not go to the reception.
After some contemplation I realized I was doing some self care.
Not only for myself but also for Hubby.
We both were reflecting about how we will miss this milestone in our own child's life...we won't be in our cousins place, shuttling our child to and from Hebrew school, organizing a party or offering advice on being an adult.
Hubby said that he was putting himself into another place when his emotions started to swell
I on the other hand, simply let them flow.
I have never cried at a bar mitzvah before, I am not sure why this hit me so hard, but I am feeling quite fragile and libel to cry in any public place it seems.
Now hubby is checking/watching me like a hawk and asking every hour or so " you doing OK?"
I think as a way to not only keep tabs on me, but himself as well.