Thursday, March 24, 2011

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Churning



My goddaughters live next door.
This is a mixed blessing...
We share a single wall.

Next door, the top of the stairs has a landing, that landing is the "time out" zone for the girls....
on the opposite side it is in our kitchen wall.

On Saturday, I was shaken to the core when I heard my goddaughter 
screaming, well more like shrilling in a deeply primal way and stomping her feet.

We could hear her thru the wall and feel her stomps in our floors.
Her screams left me wanting to throw up,
I was panicked, like a wild animal running for the hills during a natural disaster.
I was unable to focus on work and was pacing up and down the hall, my hubby was slowing turning up his amplifier so as to drown out the sounds.
We were both beside ourselves.

We spoke to our friends later that night and came to find out that something has shifted in her.
They are not sure what, but she is angry, mad mad angry.
The fit earlier that day, had her father wrapping himself around her like a bear-hug, so she would not hurt herself or the wall that she was punching and kicking as she let it all out.
I could do nothing and yet, 
I am not sure how I would deal with it if that was my child.
I fear I might run away and hide.
I would run
run 
run

In reflection of this, I am questioning what kind of mother I would have been...maybe this is another form of proof that I was not destined to be a mother. 
When things get hard, and painful my first impulse is to run

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Lottery Ticket



My hubby is sort of coming into himself these days....
he is rethinking what makes him happy, what brings him joy,
what he wants to do and how he can follow that;
regardless where he spends his days.

Since the appearance for the work for my show
and
his inclusion of his lullaby,
he has really started to take in the harsh reality of being a family of two.
His reality checks come at strange times for him, and they are never welcomed.

His job has him working in a traditional open room, filled with cubicles; each space personally decorated with a combination of office possessions, plants and family photos.
His company is progressive and has family days, bring your kids to work day, family activities and maternity and paternity leaves.
We will not be using any of those days or do we attend any of those events.
On a recent bring your kids to work day, the company had a play room set up and encouraged workers to take shifts watching the kids play and visit with other coworkers and children...
I got a text saying:  "OMG I forgot it was BYKtWD"

My sweet man was cornered by a co-worker asking why he was not offering to watch the kids?
he simply replied "um, I am just not into that"
the co-worker then said "you don't like kids?!"
hubby said: "actually we tried for a long time to have them and it didn't happen, so I am not really ok around kids"
to that the co-worker said: " oh "
and walked away...
leaving hubby gutted and wanting to disappear.

He is asked repeatedly if he has kids; he has the classic co-worker who has just returned to work from having a baby, she works on the other side of his cubicle; cooing and evangelizing how much better her life is now that she is a mom. Her audience is her boss who is a new dad, so they talk on and off all day long about how wonderful their lives are now.

Yesterday I got another " help" text
Yesterday a young coworker came flying up the aisle of the office waving a piece of paper proclaiming that she has great news. Hubby works with her, and so he peeked out of his cube to see her and the paper picture of her uterus with new dark dot.
He said on the ride home last night that is was really strange for him, that he wanted to be excited but all he could think of was how, "she won the lottery...
A lottery that most people win."

It is at times like this that I often fall back into my own thoughts of shame and guilt.
Ones where I wonder if he should find someone else and start a life with her, make beautiful babies and live the life he was suppose to.
Not one with my faulty uterus and ovaries.
Sometimes I ask him, if he feels cheated or wants to find a new life...
not quite sure if I am really prepared for the answers.
But every time, he looks me in the eye, and tells me he
would rather walk this road with me than any road with anyone else.
For that I am thankful...
even if I never fully get over feeling guilty about it.

I have no words of comfort for him, I know they don't work in situations like this.