Friday, October 28, 2011


I awoke in a bright mood, yesterday was another story...but today I feel less heavy in the heart.
At least for the moment
I have asked hubby to join me at the ocean tonight...for some reason it feels like the right place to be, to say hello to the lost little ones.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with emotion, I am not really sure what was the trigger, or why it felt so much like balancing an overfilled cup of tea...ripples running across the surface, threatening to spill at any moment.

The most heartbreaking moment yesterday happened in plain sight, and touched a deep place in me.
I watched my nephew fight against fear yesterday, as he described to his father the contents of a box of Halloween decor that he said was "super scary". The threat of that box being opened again was terrifying to him and witnessing him work thru these new and uncomfortable moments had me struggling to keep the tears within my lids.

When he was born, we had been struggling for years and I had just been given the "you are not going to get pregnant, we suggest you have a hysterectomy" speech again.
In my mind, I was convinced that my little boy had simply been delivered to my brother instead of me.
I had not been clear in my call to the universe, it seemed.
As heartbreaking as it was/is , I am thankful that I get to watch him grow and be whomever he becomes.

Tonight we are together as we were two years ago, except that tonight, I will not be in shock from loss. I hope to be wrapped around hubby, feeling how warm and full our love still is despite all that life seems to throw or drag us thru.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The past repeats itself

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion

I am not sure where to start, after recovering from this cold...I am left sad.
In fact today I actually said aloud " boy, it is heavy. I can feel it pushing into my chest"

The first of three, happened two years ago Friday.

I am trying to really process all these feelings.
Something has shifted again within me.
Like a knowledge, an understanding of sorts.
Like when you are faced with a complex puzzle, at first you are overwhelmed and everything becomes frantic and blurred and chaotic.
Then after staring at it for a while you realize that there is a solution, but it is a labored one.
It can be solved.

I feel like that these days. Like I have realized my boat sailed.
I am standing on the shore watching it fade into the horizon, sometimes waving a fancy scarf on tip-toes with a smile and a tear.
Other times, just staring dazed, as tears stream down my cheeks.
Knowing I will never be a passenger on that ship.
I am trying to be kind to myself, allow myself to be quiet...
allowing myself to cry, if there are tears...
scream if there is rage..
Mostly tho, I feel defensive, and short of breath

We are filling our home this weekend with friends and family.
I wanted to infuse some joy into the house.
Maybe I am secretly wanting to push all the sorrow out...
let it go let it pass into the next place.
We build an altar for Dia De Los Muertos; I have little things for the lost ones...they are represented on the altar...quietly

One of the things I struggle with daily, is the feeling of not feeling connected to the past, for I can not create a future generation.

My mother was sent recently, a piece of family genealogy and it lists my great great grandparents birth homes and children and dates...the normal stuff.
I had always known that my great great grandmother had 11 children and my great grandfather use to tease her if she " just had one more it would be an even dozen"
This offered many laughs thru the generations.
There is a note on her record that she did have 11 babies, but only 8 lived.
She lost 3 babies too.
It made me feel her so closely, it scared me.
Maybe I am feeling her too, maybe history does repeat itself,
and this is how I connect with them.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sick and Tired

I am fighting a cold...or a cootie, regardless I am not feeling like me these days.

Last week I spent a couple of hours painting faces at my niece's school fair. 
They needed help and when it was known that my niece had an Artist that was her aunt I was asked if I would participate.
I had no problem doing just that...
I felt strong and ready to be around lovely adorable children. 
It appeared to be important to my niece so it was then important for me.

I painted whiskers, and horses, skulls and flames and rainbows and yin/yangs...
it was a busy two hours and I painted around runways of snot and sneezing and wind...crazy crazy wind.
Then one of the mothers said " when are you leaving? " I told her I had signed up for two hours and she said " well, your time is up" so I stopped dead in my tracks, put down the brush and paint and walked away.
It was clear I was not wanted needed any longer.

I was quite proud of myself, 
I did the whole stint without feeling pain, or sorrow. 
It was fun to hear what these little people wanted to decorate their faces with....
what they fantasized about.

Two days after this, I went to take family pictures for a friend. 
She and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time 
(she was trying for a second child and I was still just trying)
She has an almost 2 year old and I am two years older. 

I was greeted with two more snotty kids, touching everything in sight
...I was being bombarded with boogers.

So it really should be no surprise that I got a SuPER cootie: 
sore throat, into stuffy head into fevers on and off for a couple of days.

Hubby has the starts of it now, and he was recounting who has the super cootie at his workplace
and became clear that we were doomed to get it.

I decided to not bitch about the ick I was feeling as I reflected on the fact I simply have to take care of me.
No one else requires my attentions, I don't have to drive anyone to school or make lunches or any of those motherly duties...
Instead I just had to get me out to the market to pick up makings for soup...
it was just me that had to make sure I took my fever reducer and cough drops...
it was just me that slept on the couch so hubby could sleep during my coughing fits and night sweats.
it was just me.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Words for Wednesday

I think I need to add this womans mantra to my mix

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children*.
*(this part does not dictate happiness) Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)