Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Not helping....

My hubby has a hard time with adoption, not adopted people, but the process...or the proce$$
He says that after all we have been thru that the idea of pinning our hopes on another long and unknown ending is a hard pill to swallow.
This broke in today's doesn't help him or us
 just adds sadness to an already heartbreaking reality

Friday, July 22, 2011

Sunny Side of the Street

I am feeling a little better...maybe distracted would be a better adjective.
Hubby is watching me like a hawk and we keep saying our mantras to each other.

I am focusing on all the wonderful things we can do together, that are completely ours.
What it means for us to be a family of two and how that is going to be fine.
We have each other to work with when things get murky and when we are knee deep in the
shitty feelings, and muddy emotions.

We are still able to laugh and hug each other and communicate without words.
I know this ride is really on an ocean and that there are tall waves of joy and sorrow 
but I also know that I can simply float and see where each place takes me...or swim in a direction of my choosing.

I seem to have these moments of intense clarity after a beating from The Barreness
she is resting and plotting her next attack I am sure...but I am working really hard on making myself less available to her and making her wait even longer.

Wait there Barreness, I'll see if I can find her.....
feel free to have a seat I think it might be a while.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Shot down

Well since the "fight thing" there has been a lot less TV in the house...a lot more reading and simply enjoying the patio and the amazingly mild summer we are having so far.
We do still record shows that we both like or want to watch because they make us of the new ones we watch is called Love kind of reminds me of a "Love American style" kind of show. That variety show came on when I was a kid and they were more like vignettes then long stories...this program is similar and feeds our desire to not watch a lot and our short attention spans.
Anywhooo I was sitting and working on some art stuff and watching this recorded show, then this part came on:
(background, sister is surrogate for sister and has now had baby, it has been quite funny) 
I was a puddle of tears when this was hubby was doing the dishes and looked up because I was suddenly silent.
( She shot me, tackled me...and began to punch me over and over in my heart)
I was never going to be in this scenario, or one similar to it....then in a moment of panic I looked at hubby and said : Do you want to try something else?!
I think he was as shocked as I was...I was asking if we should open Pandora's box again.
(The Barreness was rubbing her hands together, getting ready for another take-down)

I questioned our choices and decisions to this moment. I told him I would do whatever he wanted me to do. I would take any drug, do any test, go to any doctor...I simply wanted him to have the experience of being a dad. Being crazed and stereotypical and excited about a child.
Hubby rushed over to me and hugged me and I began sobbing, snot running down my nose and onto his shoulder...I couldn't look at him.
He said what would I do if it was simply up to me? If I was the one making all the choices for us.
I told him I didn't want to be in pain
I asked him the same question, what would he do if he made all the choices about this?
He said he would be right here, with me.

Hubby has been noticing fathers and children a lot more; recently he has even been pointing them out and I can see the sadness and disappointment in him face.
It breaks my heart, literally I can feel it crack in my chest.
this compounded with a family member undergoing IVF has caused me to fell less then solid
I am easily sucked into my abyss of questions and self doubt.

I told him again yesterday that I would do whatever he wants me to...
He said that it amazing him to think that I would simply overlook years and years of blinding pain, sadness and trauma for another shot at the same results.
(Madness, simply crazed madness~ she was feeding me by a spoon)

I told him that knowing it is all my fault, all of this was because of me...
that I didn't want him to regret marrying me.
Wake up one day when he was 68 and look at me and think, all that I could never give him.
He grabbed me hard and fast and whispered into my ear:
I will NEVER regret marrying you

(laughing in her ear, she is sure now that she will always have some control )

Monday, July 11, 2011

Baby dolphins

I commute. A lot
Mind you, a good chunk of my trip is along the coast,
it is pretty to watch the sun rise and set over the water.
One of the benefits of all this ocean time is that we sometimes see animals.
Today, I saw baby dolphins playing in the waves while adults feed on fish and seabirds waited for leftovers. My hubby had seen baby dolphins once while I was driving
I thought he was teasing me.
Today I saw them and the shock in my voice upon seeing them sent us into a fit of laughter.
We pulled over and I grabbed my little pocket camera and shot some images of the ocean.
It was windy, so you can hear that whipping be me.
Although most of them show no baby was still cool.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that I am staying away from the TV lately.
Like in an almost cold turkey sort of way

It has been beneficial as of late seeing that the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket.

I don't know the details of the latest trial, the newest outfit that is walking down Rodeo drive, where Paris H is and do I feel like I am missing something? Nope
To be honest, I have turned off the TV since last weeks "fight" with hubby.
We had a falling out;  we don't do that...we have been together just about 19yrs and I can count on ONE hand the amount of times we have raised our voices to each other.
So they tend to be day that are remembered.
This last one, was brought on by bad timing and poor communication.
Hubby was entrenched in a video game and I had plans for him to answer my booty call!
problem is, he didn't
and then made a statement that turned it back onto me making it look like it was my fault.
Neither of us slept...nor spoke
This poured into the next morning and we had it out!
We are all fine now...a little shaken still but back on the same page again

He was mad that the TV is on all the time and he doesn't want to sit and watch TV.
When I told him that 99% of the time I have it turned on is because, it will allow me to sit in the same room as him while he is typing away at a video game and not talking to me.
It is my company keeper when he is not vocal.
Needless to say, we have made some changes.

I have only watched one show since last Thursday. Really.

Now he and I have read together after work or sat outside and enjoyed the evening air.
We don't need to talk the whole time, but we are spending better time together.
This is what I am really thankful for.
Happy Thankful Thursday

Monday, July 04, 2011

Independence Day

Happy Independence Day
May some day soon all us infertiles be free
pain and hopelessness