I made these cupcakes for a friend that I know is a "boob-man"
I couldn't resist for some reason.
It just was soooo obvious to me to make these.
I can feel the shift, the "let me, be me" shift.
I am finding myself starting to walk further away from the heartbreak of being childless.
I know I can dive into that pool at any time, trip more likely
and mind you, the walk is a slow one, but I feel like I have started to walk.
That is something.
Now I am faced with this inner 6th grader, the one that wants to wear make-up and dress up in strange outfits, listen to music loud and stay up way way way too late (at least for the outer person to work well or drive safely). I don't really care what my neighbor mommies are doing, in fact I find myself prancing around the house thinking, hahaha I don't have kids I am trying to get to sleep while the sun is still out at 8:30pm.
I think I am in the middle of another growth spurt or something?!
We often ask each other in moments of self doubt and insecurity:
What do you love about me?
When the world beats you up and and then you have to drag your ass home and still be human it helps sometimes to know that you are still worth while to someone.
Well my sweet wonderful man asked this question of me recently and I told him this...
I love that you wait as you turn the compost, so the scrub jays can eat the worms and bugs.
I watched him for half an hour last weekend, carefully turn and shovel the compost pile...watch two very eager and trusting birds swoop down, pick thru the freshly upturned soil and then perch on the wall as hubby turned the soil again to reveal more earthly treats.
I got this email from a woman in the same community garden as me...I am really not sure how to respond:
"At the workday when Flora, Fauna and I were talking about extra weight on our bodies and then jokingly we began blaming our children for the weight. I just want you to know that it was silly talk and we or I do feel fortunate to have birthed a child. I come from a a family of 10 children and only the last two of the 10 had children, either by choice or circumstance. Some sibling were satisfied with their choice and some were a bit saddened because of their situation and not having children. But it takes a village to raise a child, and so when we interact with any child either visual or verbally we are giving to them. And so what I'm saying is that, you are a mother in many ways and what you do is amazing!"
* the names have been changed to the Cinderella fairies
I can appreciate that she is being sensitive to my personal situation...but I am not sure how to really react or if I should.
In some ways I am a touched that she wrote this to smooth whatever hurt feelings she feels might have been poked by overhearing this...in other ways I am a little insulted that she thinks that I could not interpret a casual conversation/bitch session as just that.
I should warn you now, I have had a rocky week...I debated writing about it because in many ways I didn't want to think about it again...but being who I am I decided to over share instead.
Hell, if you can not laugh at yourself, who do you have left?
I am about to talk about vaginas, sex and pimples
Lets start with the latest ultrasound, two weeks ago. I have to have them every 4ish months to keep track of my growths. I decided to go off birth control two and a half years ago and since leaving the hormones, I have grown new fibroids and cysts...all of which need to be watched because they tend to want to be overly dramatic and "rockstar" out the room. So I get pelvic ultrasounds to watch them in an effort to stay off BCP, that is my sacrifice.
I travel to a nearby town to have it done in a hospital because after years of having them done, this ONEtech has treated me like a person who has lost.
The results came back the next day and it confirmed everything is still there,
but not growing as fast as it has in the past...
so I have four more months without pills.
Since realizing that we are never gonna get pregnant (without massive assistance) I have been celebrating the joys of being off the pill...mostly that I am far more sane, my hair has stopped falling out in handfuls, and I do not get nightsweats anymore!
Plus....I want to have sex again.
This is a big deal and I am sure I am not the only one who
has experienced that lack of sexdrive after years of IF and medical interventions
and then birth control pills.
Everyone knows that sex is good for you, emotionally, mentally and for your relationship...so I was eager to have that return, because I WANT TO FEEL GOOD!
Friday rolled around and I was ready for our Friday night date (we have them still) But around 2pm I started to feel ill, dizzy and then the cramps began and my back felt like I had carried a load of bricks up a flight of stairs. The rest of the night was spent on the couch with a heat pad and a frown, while hubby made me tea and "cooked dinner"(Chinese takeout)
The rest of the weekend started slow, but I got up to speed soon, and our Friday night plans shifted to Saturday night and we had a great night being together.
We were laughing and happy and then Sunday it happened...the pin prick.
That rolled into a stab, that rolled into a personal investigation of the ladyparts.
I had a lump...a red, round, hard lump. My poor panic room wasn't even ready for my dash and door slam. I freaked out!!
I mean who wants to find a lump on your lovely lady bits?!
I made a plan that if it hadn't changed in a day I would see the doc.
I thought, maybe we just had too much fun and it took a toll on me.
Well it did change, it got scary looking and hurt more and
I could not ignore it or wish it away so I got into the doc.
I greeted her with, "hey, so I figured I haven't shown you my vagina enough...so here I am"
She laughed at me and we took a look at the MAD, RED, HARD Bump...
she looked at it and said "oh that is a sebaceous cyst. Do you want me to pop it? "
I think that is when I tried to go to my happy place...but I realized it needed to change if I wanted to walk normal....she offered to drain it with something...she described something about something all I heard was LARGE BORE NEEDLE and my mind made everything quiet...
I said I would wait for it to resolve itself, thank you. Needles/vagina's...I bowed out of that long ago.
As she was writing up the antibiotic prescription I looked down again
and she had blown her lid!!
I was fascinated and freaked and the doc walked over and said
"lets get it all out"...and popped it!
I thought I was going to fall off the table...I remember breathing and then feeling like my whole vagina was in a table-vice.
She took samples and said she was sorry it hurt.
I was told to soak in a bath, several times a day and try and to "get more out".
The more I massage it the better.
OK so sit in a bath and massage myself...this was getting ridiculous.
I have been doing that for the last 24hours, it is the most unsexy, unpleasant way to enjoy a bath.
I got some new bath salt to help it feel less clinical and more...well, less clinical.
10 days of antibiotics and baths, and squeezing (not for the weak)
The one gem I can take away from this is:
I encourage all of you to check your parts, and don't wait to see the doc if something doesn't look right. As embarrassing as it was, I felt empowered that I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't and that I love my vagina enough to protect it from future mishaps.