Thursday, April 28, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Thank you all for your warm wonderful birthday wishes!
I was so deeply touched that you sent them.
Thank you most sincerely

I am so thankful to have this blog to express my deep, dark sorrow and dreams.

I am sure I am not the only one, but birthdays are markers of not only time but accomplishments for me.
In many ways far worse then the "high school reunions or post college get together".
I find that for myself, my birthday gives me time to assess what I still would like to accomplish in my life.
I feel thankful this year: that I am talking to others about my infertility, I am able to speak frankly about the pain and lifelong ache and
I have add the word hope on my list of words I would like to use in the coming year.
I don't use it even in casual conversations, I would like to use again without reservation or fear.

Monday, April 25, 2011

My Birthday

Today is my birthday....last year when I discovered that it fell at the same time as NIAW I was heartbroken.
I wanted a break from what I carry as the darkest part of my heart.
I realize now that it is not a curse, but a scar, a story.

I am a Barren woman
I have been to dark dark places, I have felt sadness with no end
I have cried to the point of dehydration
I have been lost
and I am still alive.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Busting my myth for NIAW

In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am busting a myth and taking names!

"You did something to cause your infertility that is why you can’t get pregnant"

According to RESOLVE there are few lifestyle choices that cause permanent damage to your fertility. I think when push comes to shove; the easiest path for most is the “blame game”.

For us the first years of our infertility was my fault; according to doctors and family at least.

I cannot tell you how often I heard that I must be doing something wrong… you must not have counted the days correctly. You must not have kept your pelvis tilted long enough? You probably didn’t have sex enough or at the right times.

If they were not focusing on our sex life; they were offering up suggestions for food, exercise, eastern medicine and rituals. In our physicians, friends and families eyes, this was entirely our fault and we had clearly overlooked something. It quickly became insulting and hurtful.

Well we were rabbits! I have been a healthy vegetarian for close to twenty years, I had never drank, I had never smoked, I took my vitamins, I moved my body, I wasn’t overweight or underweight. I was just your average healthy Jane; nothing remarkable or special about me. We explored non-traditional medicines, exercises, meditations and non-evasive medical treatments that fit our beliefs.

When I finally to complained about extreme pain (I waited several months to do this as I thought I needed to suffer to become a mother), I was told that I was overreacting to having painful periods. It was only after advocating for myself that it was discovered that there was a medical reason for my infertility, and it had NOTHING to do with my lifestyle or lack of trying.

My Infertility came from a combination of a birth defect and aggressively relentless fibroids and cysts. Nothing I could have eaten, taken, or chosen did this. Making love 24 hours a day, 7 days a week would never have changed this. It was not my fault and no one is to blame.

It is this message that is the hardest to still get thru people’s minds. The easiest route is to play the blame game; the harder choice is to be empathetic.
Be tough and make the harder choices.

Friday, April 22, 2011

I cried for you

I am feeling sentimental and kind of blue.
When I get that way I turn my thoughts to Paris.
I use to live in that city many years ago.
Not for a long time but for a sometime
an important time in my life.

When I get blue my first thought are of returning there and recapturing that romantic mood and time in my past. It was all mine, I was free in my mind, my soul and my heart. I had not known the heartbreak of a miscarriage or the loss of what I thought my future would hold.

Last night while work I was listening to this song and I was instantly transported and began to cry.
So many women talk of getting away after finding out about their infertility or having a miscarriage. I always fantasize about just that.

Taking an overnight flight, walking into a nice hotel and falling into a bed with crisp white sheets that overlooks a beautiful spot in the city. Sleeping, really sleeping... and feeling the down blankets cradle me and allow me to loose myself in that moment.
Then, awake and find myself wandering pre-dawn streets and smelling the bakeries and feel the cool autumn wind on my face....
last night this gave me no comfort, but merely had me crying.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Seeing as that it seems to be Thursday again
and I am working on changing my normally sarcastic outlook (well,this week)
I decided to focus this energy for the powers of good

I am thankful that I have been able to clear a longtime clogged slate of anger
(it is a doosie; so being the experimenter that I am , I thought I would see how long they could keep me from turning away from them, ball is in their court. I showed up to the game) 
I am trying, again
I am also thankful that when invited to visit with a long time ago friend I didn't run for the hills when I discovered that she was 8 3/4 months pregnant.

I am thankful indeed

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Thankful Thursday

I got a call from a location that had read my proposal.
I have a studio visit next week

I am thankful that someone opened my envelope and thinks my BARREN show is worth exploring further

Sunday, April 10, 2011

What's in a name

I have found myself in a loop, a loop like a skipping record.
I am hearing names and remembering all the names I had picked out for children.

It seems to be overwhelming as of late; where conversations I am engaged in mention a person or friend or family member by name and it triggers an instant image of a list of names I had written.

Beautiful wonderful strings of names that, have deep meaning and symbolism to us.
Names that would surely accompany our wonderful children thru life, inspire them to help others, remember where they came from and strive to make things better for those that will follow.
Names that have been collected, researched and gathered since I was a child.
Names that have been in the family for generations, names of lost friends and beloved members of the family, names that carry spiritual meaning
Sacred names, secret names, musical names

All those names seem to be cast off into the wind, I can see them floating in front of me in the breeze.
Dancing and bobbing in the clear air
slowly moving farther and farther away from me

Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Infertility and pet populations

Yesterday Keiko Zoll brought to my attention this latest campaign from PETA, after reading her statement and the responses from PETA I was moved to sign the petition, please take a moment and consider it too:

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) launched a publicity campaign/contest on March 31, 2011 offering a free vasectomy to a man who spays or neuters his pet during the month of April "in honor of" National Infertility Awareness Week. Instead of honoring this community, PETA has decided that it's acceptable to ridicule, devalue, and trivialize the infertility patient community experience in the name of promoting responsible pet-ownership.
The "Win a Vasectomy" campaign is not only a mockery of everything that National Infertility Awareness Week seeks to promote, but is a cruel execution of a promotional concept at the expense of millions of patients for whom infertility is no laughing matter.

Tell PETA President Ingrid Newkirk that infertility is not a joke and demand an apology for and immediate removal of the link between their campaign and National Infertility Awareness Week.


As a lifelong animal lover, animal rights advocate,vegetarian, and sometimes vegan I am outraged.
I am without words....I signed the petition and have asked others to do the same.