Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Lottery Ticket

My hubby is sort of coming into himself these days....
he is rethinking what makes him happy, what brings him joy,
what he wants to do and how he can follow that;
regardless where he spends his days.

Since the appearance for the work for my show
his inclusion of his lullaby,
he has really started to take in the harsh reality of being a family of two.
His reality checks come at strange times for him, and they are never welcomed.

His job has him working in a traditional open room, filled with cubicles; each space personally decorated with a combination of office possessions, plants and family photos.
His company is progressive and has family days, bring your kids to work day, family activities and maternity and paternity leaves.
We will not be using any of those days or do we attend any of those events.
On a recent bring your kids to work day, the company had a play room set up and encouraged workers to take shifts watching the kids play and visit with other coworkers and children...
I got a text saying:  "OMG I forgot it was BYKtWD"

My sweet man was cornered by a co-worker asking why he was not offering to watch the kids?
he simply replied "um, I am just not into that"
the co-worker then said "you don't like kids?!"
hubby said: "actually we tried for a long time to have them and it didn't happen, so I am not really ok around kids"
to that the co-worker said: " oh "
and walked away...
leaving hubby gutted and wanting to disappear.

He is asked repeatedly if he has kids; he has the classic co-worker who has just returned to work from having a baby, she works on the other side of his cubicle; cooing and evangelizing how much better her life is now that she is a mom. Her audience is her boss who is a new dad, so they talk on and off all day long about how wonderful their lives are now.

Yesterday I got another " help" text
Yesterday a young coworker came flying up the aisle of the office waving a piece of paper proclaiming that she has great news. Hubby works with her, and so he peeked out of his cube to see her and the paper picture of her uterus with new dark dot.
He said on the ride home last night that is was really strange for him, that he wanted to be excited but all he could think of was how, "she won the lottery...
A lottery that most people win."

It is at times like this that I often fall back into my own thoughts of shame and guilt.
Ones where I wonder if he should find someone else and start a life with her, make beautiful babies and live the life he was suppose to.
Not one with my faulty uterus and ovaries.
Sometimes I ask him, if he feels cheated or wants to find a new life...
not quite sure if I am really prepared for the answers.
But every time, he looks me in the eye, and tells me he
would rather walk this road with me than any road with anyone else.
For that I am thankful...
even if I never fully get over feeling guilty about it.

I have no words of comfort for him, I know they don't work in situations like this.


Kira said...

I'm so sorry for your hurt. Getting the 3rd degree for "Why don't you have kids?" makes me want to punch the person in the face and then curl up on my ouch with a lot of chocolate. I hope that you both can find comfort and healing in each other and the things you love and that bring you joy.

La Belette Rouge said...

I just overheard a women talking about of hers who was pregnant and yet not REALLY pregnant yet( 1 month) and how this woman really didn't want kids. I came this close to asking the woman for the name and phone number of this woman and going over to her house and giving her a what for. Happily my cooler head prevailed. It sucks and its hard and it sucks that infertility is something if not cured is with you a lifetime.

The Barreness said...

Agreed Ladies
He is getting lots of snuggles and warm drinks.

Kate Bentley said...

The only failure in all of this is not to love. And it seems to me that both of you have won the lottery in this one.

sending love xxxxxxxx

nicoleciomek said...

Sigh. These things are so hard. I came back from vacation to THREE baby announcement emails from within our entire company (which is many offices across the US). I actually enjoyed deleting them I have to say.

I used to worry my partner would leave me since we are still in our late 20s and he could easily find someone else to have kids with. But, he looks at the good parts of our situation like no birth control, no unplanned kids, no periods. I appreciate it is attitude and the happiness he finds with me. I am so glad your husband has the same for you - but I know the guilt is hard not to have. It sounds like you have a very strong, loving relationship. I am very glad you two have each other.