Friday, December 30, 2011

Ghosts of days past

So I go thru this weird thing before traveling for any length of time...
I am really quite a worry-er by my nature and coupled with my incredible ability to catastrophize anything into the worst case scenario, it allows me to be in a constant state of
"get my affairs in order" mode.
Today it manifested in my cleaning out the cupboard under my sink.
How this helps me "get my affairs in order" is not for me to understand, I am simply following that innate urge to clean up messes so that in case I die on this trip, no one will find out just how much of a slob I really was.
Brilliant huh?!

I found all sorts of things I had been looking for...
I go thru moods of wanting to learn how to properly put on makeup, style my hair or moisturize my skin regularly. In the wake of these moods I am left with a lot of "product", evidenced today with a bag of giveaway to my niece who can play dress up and can put on fancy lotions or something...

Past all the sparkle and play I found...
What I wasn't expecting, little boxes shoved into the back corner of the cupboard.
Empty but still present.
I found five, FIVE, empty pregnancy test boxes.
All empty, all with just the instruction booklets in them, but stacked carefully in the far back corner of the space.
I sat there looking at them next to the empty tampon boxes, wondering why I kept empty boxes...why didn't I just toss them into the recycle bin with the other empty boxes?
I guess, I simply wasn't ready to.
I peed on a lot of sticks in these last 8ish years, far more then the 5 boxes that I unearthed today.

Then with just as much anxiety, and heart pounding as I had experienced buying them, I broke them down and put them into the recycle bin, brochures and all.

after that I found a reason to leave the house; I couldn't bear to hear The Barreness's cackling laughter and blinding smile

Monday, December 19, 2011

Closer I am to fine....

My current work schedule has me away from the studio and working my other job.
It happens every year about this time. 
I am simply needed far more at my other job and I don't mind.
Except this year I prepared for it.

Artistically speaking 
It meant I worked like crazy for three months and submitted work to as many places as I could.
I was writing checks like a drunk sailor
...well if sailors carried checkbooks and wrote checks is still to be debated...
but I went crazy!

I submitted to more places and events then I ever have, 
and kept saying yes to everything that passed close enough to me to grab a chance at.
The result is AMAZING!!!

I have gotten my work into many more places, and in fact my call to the universe was heard (thank goodness) and I got into a show that had over 200 submissions and only 37 accepted artists. The piece I got into this exhibition is a piece from my infertility project !
In fact when the email arrived, I saw the subject line on my phone and refused to read the email until I was behind an actual computer....this of course made hubby laugh at my "rituals" and waited for me to read the actual email on the screen. The result was me laughing hysterically for close to 15minutes at my met goal.
He in turn was crying from pure joy of witnessing me meet this goal and the result of meeting this goal is that we are traveling to see the opening reception.
It just happens to be in IRELAND

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Holiday Cheer

picture from:

It is that time of year!
Waiting in long lines to buy groceries, snide comments from customer service people, rude people driving cars, temper tantrums, and holiday music looped in an endless cycle on speakers of shops.

I do love this time of year, but it also carries the daily reminders of a family not made.

So I was sitting watching my company-keeper(TV) last night. I was watching "how I met your mother" and one of the characters finds out she was not only not-pregnant (pregnancy scare, in a woman who says thru the series that she doesn't want kids) but that she CAN'T have kids. 
This information has her sliding into an abyss of reality of a life faced without children. 
Her doctor asks if she can talk to a friend about it, but she knows how they all will react. Currently her best friend is pregnant and would be an emotional mess and needing comfort instead of comforting. That friends hubby would shower her with questions and possible fixes. then the remaining friends would try and fix her sadness with comfort food or hi jinks. So instead, when pushed by them to find out what is wrong, she says she is too tall to be a pole vaulter. He friends of course, all break into her described reactions.

She is telling this story to what appears to be her future kids, but in the end, they are actually imaginary. 
She is left sitting on a bench in a park on Christmas crying at the fact that her choice has been taken from her. That although she never saw kids in her future, it was a choice she was making not one that was made for her.
She ends her monologue with although she was never a mother, she was:
a successful journalist, world traveler, business woman and aunt.
Telling the audience that she indeed was still a whole person even without being a mother.
It was a well played/written reality of our sisterhood.

I personally have been meandering around a lot of this everyday emotion. 
The Barreness is knocking at the door into me as of late; she is dead set to get in...she might even shimmy open a window if need be. I am trying to hold her back with wit and a sunny disposition. 
I don't know how long it will hold....
I have made a new friend and she is now pregnant, I am thrilled for her (deeply and truly) but now can barely contact her anymore. 
I have another friend who just picked up the ashes of her son, a man the same age as me, who lost his battle to addiction.
I have another friend who just had to have a hysterectomy because of the same issues I live with. 
I have another who has now gone into early menopause because her ovaries shut down and has lost her sex drive completely!
I watch my hubby struggle daily with witnessing others parent. He often looks at me when his eyes are welled up with tears. Like the mere sight of me will make the tears go away.

We met family last week, a trip that meant us driving 1300miles in
four days. It was a lot of driving and a little visiting. 
We did this last year too...we have promised each other that next year we are staying put. 
Because we are a family of two, we are often looked over, invited last, told we can drive farther, and expected to be overly flexible because we don't "have to deal with kids".... *sigh*
it hurts too much to ignore any longer.

There has been a lot of wonderful happening too...
but for today I needed to unload the heavy emotion I have been bathing in.
I am feeling very very mortal and it scares me.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

wordless wednesday

We will talk soon

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Reading in between the lines

*warning, I am going to talk about blowjobs and reading*
I am having a soapbox moment

I saw this today in the news and wondered if it really mattered:

*For the cliff notes version, she is a porn-star, and she read books to kids in Compton, California
as part of Read Across America.

So she read to first and third graders and now parents are complaining to the PTA.
How many other people volunteered to read to these kids? I know I didn't.
She is not a person who harms children, she is also an educated individual who believes in the power of words and felt it was important to participate in a reading program for children in one of the lesser funded areas of California.
Does it really matter what she does with consenting adults?
Does it matter if she is a present or past porn star...does that define her or should it limit her?
I just wondered, if the parents are willing to fist-to-cuffs about this; wouldn't it be better to redirect this same energy and fight for other things that would make their children's education better?
Like better wages for their teachers or better books for their kids.

To be read to is a gift, it expands your mind and allows you to see things differently...
I love being read to 
In many homes today, children are not being read to at all, but instead watching TV.
I think the real crime is the idea that no one would be reading to these kids;
that is a far bigger problem then if a lady who preforms blow jobs is reading to them.
Heck, don't most sexually active couples do that same thing anyway

that was my soapbox moment for the day.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

The kindness of strangers

A simple act can really make a difference:

Be kind to yourself and others

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Today's Inspiration-Thankful Thursday

I hope the dark days are behind me for another year....I saw this today and it made me smile.
Thank you for all your warm heartfelt wishes, they were felt deeply in my darkness.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

"Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower grow. There cannot be a lotus flower without the mud."

I know a lot of people know this phrase, but it seemed to resonate in me today

Friday, October 28, 2011


I awoke in a bright mood, yesterday was another story...but today I feel less heavy in the heart.
At least for the moment
I have asked hubby to join me at the ocean tonight...for some reason it feels like the right place to be, to say hello to the lost little ones.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with emotion, I am not really sure what was the trigger, or why it felt so much like balancing an overfilled cup of tea...ripples running across the surface, threatening to spill at any moment.

The most heartbreaking moment yesterday happened in plain sight, and touched a deep place in me.
I watched my nephew fight against fear yesterday, as he described to his father the contents of a box of Halloween decor that he said was "super scary". The threat of that box being opened again was terrifying to him and witnessing him work thru these new and uncomfortable moments had me struggling to keep the tears within my lids.

When he was born, we had been struggling for years and I had just been given the "you are not going to get pregnant, we suggest you have a hysterectomy" speech again.
In my mind, I was convinced that my little boy had simply been delivered to my brother instead of me.
I had not been clear in my call to the universe, it seemed.
As heartbreaking as it was/is , I am thankful that I get to watch him grow and be whomever he becomes.

Tonight we are together as we were two years ago, except that tonight, I will not be in shock from loss. I hope to be wrapped around hubby, feeling how warm and full our love still is despite all that life seems to throw or drag us thru.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The past repeats itself

Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion

I am not sure where to start, after recovering from this cold...I am left sad.
In fact today I actually said aloud " boy, it is heavy. I can feel it pushing into my chest"

The first of three, happened two years ago Friday.

I am trying to really process all these feelings.
Something has shifted again within me.
Like a knowledge, an understanding of sorts.
Like when you are faced with a complex puzzle, at first you are overwhelmed and everything becomes frantic and blurred and chaotic.
Then after staring at it for a while you realize that there is a solution, but it is a labored one.
It can be solved.

I feel like that these days. Like I have realized my boat sailed.
I am standing on the shore watching it fade into the horizon, sometimes waving a fancy scarf on tip-toes with a smile and a tear.
Other times, just staring dazed, as tears stream down my cheeks.
Knowing I will never be a passenger on that ship.
I am trying to be kind to myself, allow myself to be quiet...
allowing myself to cry, if there are tears...
scream if there is rage..
Mostly tho, I feel defensive, and short of breath

We are filling our home this weekend with friends and family.
I wanted to infuse some joy into the house.
Maybe I am secretly wanting to push all the sorrow out...
let it go let it pass into the next place.
We build an altar for Dia De Los Muertos; I have little things for the lost ones...they are represented on the altar...quietly

One of the things I struggle with daily, is the feeling of not feeling connected to the past, for I can not create a future generation.

My mother was sent recently, a piece of family genealogy and it lists my great great grandparents birth homes and children and dates...the normal stuff.
I had always known that my great great grandmother had 11 children and my great grandfather use to tease her if she " just had one more it would be an even dozen"
This offered many laughs thru the generations.
There is a note on her record that she did have 11 babies, but only 8 lived.
She lost 3 babies too.
It made me feel her so closely, it scared me.
Maybe I am feeling her too, maybe history does repeat itself,
and this is how I connect with them.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sick and Tired

I am fighting a cold...or a cootie, regardless I am not feeling like me these days.

Last week I spent a couple of hours painting faces at my niece's school fair. 
They needed help and when it was known that my niece had an Artist that was her aunt I was asked if I would participate.
I had no problem doing just that...
I felt strong and ready to be around lovely adorable children. 
It appeared to be important to my niece so it was then important for me.

I painted whiskers, and horses, skulls and flames and rainbows and yin/yangs...
it was a busy two hours and I painted around runways of snot and sneezing and wind...crazy crazy wind.
Then one of the mothers said " when are you leaving? " I told her I had signed up for two hours and she said " well, your time is up" so I stopped dead in my tracks, put down the brush and paint and walked away.
It was clear I was not wanted needed any longer.

I was quite proud of myself, 
I did the whole stint without feeling pain, or sorrow. 
It was fun to hear what these little people wanted to decorate their faces with....
what they fantasized about.

Two days after this, I went to take family pictures for a friend. 
She and I were trying to get pregnant at the same time 
(she was trying for a second child and I was still just trying)
She has an almost 2 year old and I am two years older. 

I was greeted with two more snotty kids, touching everything in sight
...I was being bombarded with boogers.

So it really should be no surprise that I got a SuPER cootie: 
sore throat, into stuffy head into fevers on and off for a couple of days.

Hubby has the starts of it now, and he was recounting who has the super cootie at his workplace
and became clear that we were doomed to get it.

I decided to not bitch about the ick I was feeling as I reflected on the fact I simply have to take care of me.
No one else requires my attentions, I don't have to drive anyone to school or make lunches or any of those motherly duties...
Instead I just had to get me out to the market to pick up makings for soup...
it was just me that had to make sure I took my fever reducer and cough drops...
it was just me that slept on the couch so hubby could sleep during my coughing fits and night sweats.
it was just me.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Words for Wednesday

I think I need to add this womans mantra to my mix

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.
They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.
They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?
They would have no sex life and could not bear children*.
*(this part does not dictate happiness) Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.
And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.
We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

Friday, September 30, 2011

Friday's Inspiration

image via

In an effort to find good things to focus on I came across this article, 
a good reminder of simple acts for others.
One good act feeds another
Karma Yoga as it were:

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

His point of view

This article was sent to me via a male is interesting read, and beautifully written...
one note: it might make you fair warning.

it made me and hubby cry at least

Friday, September 23, 2011

Vacation all I ever wanted...

Firstly, thank you for your sweet and tender words of care.
Hubby mentioned that he wanted to do something this year to mark the loss.
So as the date gets closer, we are exploring meaningful acts that would work for us.

In the meantime...I have been buried in the studio and making art, and mailing submission after submission. The creative act is cathartic and essential for me but it has me thinking about a little break from everything!
It is not so easy, because of a little metal nut,(literally) that our cat ate earlier this year we have been "grounded" of sorts.

It was an expensive vet, ER, surgery and recovery thing that left us with little money.
I am very very thankful for the credit cards and the ability to take care of the cat, who is now happy and fat and playful. We are his people and it is our job to care for him after all.
I am sure many of you out there can relate, with cost from IF treatments

Summertime has past, and been a different one for us, well most of this year will be, so we are getting "creative" with our fun time.
We stay at home, watch movies via streaming every now and out on date night only (Friday's) and visit the bookstore, but don't buy anything. We have cut almost all extras out...My birthday was a potluck, Our anniversary will be a dinner at home most likely, Xmas will be handmade...
It is nice but doesn't stop our driving desire to get the HELL OUT OF DODGE
We are travelers, we are explorers...we are the people who take the long road home so we can find new things...but as much as I run numbers and theories thru my head, we don't have any money to do what we want to do most right now: travel.

****bitching about to begin ****
(you can skip down to my call out to the universe below)

We haven't had a break from all this "can't have a baby" stuff since it was started, 7 years ago!
Our honeymoon took two years of saving, and was our hope to make a baby, by relaxing and getting away (we went to eastern Europe in the winter)...but I was in so much pain, I was either asleep from vicodin or crying. (super romantic) and on return I was in the ER for an ovarian cyst that was about to explode.
SERIOUSLY when do we get a honeymoon ?!
A sweet relaxing, run on the beach (or assorted other lovely places) with the wind in our hair, laughing and smiling and eating lovely foods all while being naked and happy.

We had an extended weekend here and there, but we were either going to a funeral on the East coast, joining two families (5 kids) at a lake or driving for 10hours to meet family for 24hours then then driving back home to get to work. Those were our break aways.... 
***Bitching over***

Call out to the universe!!

I just want to put that out there universe, I think we need a break.
A good one too: not a "hey, here is a three day weekend" kind...or "we'll waive that $5 fee for you"
and my sisterhood needs one too!
All these ladies and gents have been pouring every ounce of love and hope out there and not catching a break. We are do-gooders and kind heart, we help others and clean up after ourselves, we hug strangers and offer kind words. We are the breathe of fresh air and why people are so glad to meet us, because " they are so nice"
Come on, there is a lot of crap out there right now, and a lot of crappy people are getting really big breaks...why not spread the good things to us:
the ones that SMILE thru pain
We have held up our you can do some work too!!

It is the Autumnal equinox..we are tucking the sun into bed, like a cocoon...
I hope this weekend will be the start of something better for us all!
hugs sisters

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Things are heavy in my heart and mind, I am fighting some deep sorrow....
but I am fighting; so I am focusing on the good in that.
Here is my (inspiration) medicine for today:

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Impending Anniversary

The anniversary of the first of my three miscarriages is coming up and has created a very raw feeling.

Mostly,  it feels like I am standing in the shower and the emotions are washing over me; some remain on my skin like droplets, others fall to the ground and wash away.

 I am still not sure how I am going to emotionally move thru the day.

 It has been two years, but it feels like it is about to happen again.

 Like my body needs to relive the fear and sorrow.

I am just not sure how I can do that.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

On this day

*I didn't want to write about this, but after meditating on why it became obvious I needed to*

I don't watch television or listen to the radio on this day...I don't like to remember this day.
This day was a devastating day for too many people (understatement)
and I don't like to relive it or be reminded of it.
It is not that I do not acknowledge it, or honor is simply too too painful still.
Five years ago in the early morning hours I was sitting on my Nana's bed, whispering into her ear, smiling with a brave face and taking deep breaths for her. She meanwhile was struggling to take her own air and was slowly slipping into her next journey...
I know she if fine, she told me so...but it still hurts.
10years ago I was working at a map company and my job RADICALLY changed from a simple customer service person, to a witness, a confidant, and a person of interest. I was thrown into the chaos of the day, all while trying to comprehend what was happening and terrified of the immediate hate that that would be set into motion. The simple interesting job that I had taken on a mere year beforehand was now all consuming in my dreams and thoughts.
This day set into motion several more years of nightmarish phone conversations
from strangers and officials.

I don't like to remember this day; not because I do not care, but because I care so so very much.

Sunday, September 04, 2011

Cry me a river

Today we went to a bar mitzvah, I am pretty sure everyone knows what that is so I am not going to link it to a wiki explanation. It was for a son of a second or third cousin...regardless, someone we keep in contact with but are far from close to.
I have no idea what the teen is like to talk to, or what his favorite food is.
I simply know he is family and that it was important to acknowledge this passage into adulthood.

We got there a little early, found a seat and started to watch people arrive.
We are not religious people, so when in a house of worship, we take the time to look around
and take in all the treasures, this place looked like the inside of a we were inside an ark.
It was pretty cool and intimate; we didn't feel lost in a big building or
removed from where the service was being held.

When the ceremony started we followed along and sang the hymns we knew and followed the instructions of the rabbi. It was mellow and we didn't feel silly for not knowing the words or a prayer.
Once the Bar Mitzvah boy took the stage we all smiled and encouraged him along. He did wonderful, seemed calm and ready for his reading.
( he arrived with bright green headphones on, mouthing words to himself it was cute)
When he finally read his portion I started to feel weepy...I am not sure why, but I kept it together...trying to follow along. I mean why cry at a Bar Mitzvah?!
Who does that!
When his parents came up to present him with his personal prayer shawl, I began to cry, then his mom and dad spoke and offered words of love and advice and I couldn't keep it in any longer,
I let myself cry.
Hubby saw this and simply placed his hand on my leg and kept it there...letting me know I was not alone.
When the service was finished I went to the bathroom, and found other women there who were checking their mascara. They were expressing what a beautiful service it was and how they were crying at the mothers words to her son.
I stayed in the stall for as long as I could, allowing the others to clear out before checking my own makeup.
I found hubby outside and chatting with some other family, we shared some conversations with my godparents and the bar mitzvah boy's grandparents. It was at this moment I decided to not attend the reception. Hubby was fine with this, although it did seem to disappoint our family a little.
(I am a big pleaser, so this decision left me feeling quite guilty)
As we drove away in silence I was reflecting why I had decided to not go to the reception.
After some contemplation I realized I was doing some self care.
Not only for myself but also for Hubby.
We both were reflecting about how we will miss this milestone in our own child's life...we won't be in our cousins place, shuttling our child to and from Hebrew school, organizing a party or offering advice on being an adult.
Hubby said that he was putting himself into another place when his emotions started to swell
I on the other hand, simply let them flow.
I have never cried at a bar mitzvah before, I am not sure why this hit me so hard, but I am feeling quite fragile and libel to cry in any public place it seems.
Now hubby is checking/watching me like a hawk and asking every hour or so " you doing OK?"
I think as a way to not only keep tabs on me, but himself as well.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Alone at night

Recently my dreams have been highly ramped up....masses of details and information has been pouring into my dream eyes and mind. I am not sure what it all means but I often find myself frustrated at m=not being able to remember all the littlest details when I wake. I have begun to say my dreams out loud the moment I wake up as a way to anchor them of sorts. Writing them down, doesn't work for me as I am blind as a bat and getting my glasses on awakens me to a new level and things begin to fall off the edges and fade rapidly. So now with my eyes still closed, I am reciting my dreams to the air above my head.

This morning I told hubby of the one I had last night.

"I was checking in on an older neighbor that lived next door and she would not speak, but I knew she was not well. She would convey her wellness in states of color, in clothing.
The more color the sicker she was feeling.
When I went to check on her, she opened the door in a rainbow banded Mexican style dress with vivid white, yellow, orange red and green cascading down to her bare feet. 
but her face was a pale green she was waving her arms at me and leaning to the side.
I ran to her door and entered her home, we were then in a far back bedroom where I could tell she was going to collapse. 
I grabbed her shoulders and felt the heat of a fever from her skin. 
She was suddenly small, very frail and she motioned for her dog to come to her. It was a dog I had given her for company. She was then a child and patting its back like an infant would do.
We both sat there and I could feel the fur of the dog on my hand and see its floppy ears silhouetted in the light coming thru the windows..
 I could tell she(the neighbor) was struggling to breathe, and I looked into her eyes and said 
" Rae we love you so very much, you are so so loved"
and with that I woke up.

I felt a longing when I awoke, but not a sadness.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Women's Health...get some!

I am a fan of "feeling healthy", heck I think we all need to be BIG fans of it.
I saw this trailer today and laughed out loud
We all have spent so much time in stirrups with tears running down our faces.
These stirrup scenes made me laugh. 
Happy Monday and go get some !!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

He was...

So for the last two years, my high school boyfriend has come thru town on business.
We get together for a couple hours and share a meal.
It's nice.

He sent an email last year and asked if we (hubby) and me could join him for dinner.
It ended up being just me...and it was fine but surreal.
We have remained friends and the spoken via emails thru the years...
We hadn't seen each other in person since my wedding in 2002.
Dinner was a strange combination of flashbacks and memories and giggly conversations.
We mostly reasserted that we would continue to be friends and that we had shared a really important time in our lives so it seemed stranger to simply not ever talk to each other.
Since my wedding he also had gotten married.
(I am thrilled for him, as I remember many calls where I was consoling him and letting him know that he was going to find a perfect person.
It was going to happen.
It did and since then he seems to be so so so happy.
That makes me happy too!
Even though he is an old boyfriend, more importantly he is a friend.)
We talked about his wife and their life and family...and I asked if they were thinking about becoming parents.
At this dinner, I also found out he never wanted kids.
I had never known that.
we dated for a year and a half!
I told him I was sorry; that I assumed he did since he came from such a big family.
Shame on me.
He laughed and said, that helped him decide he didn't want kids!
We laughed about that.

Last month I got an email saying he was in town again and could we do dinner.
This time hubby's work schedule allowed him to make it and so the three of us had dinner together. Surreal once again.
This time I sat between my husband and my old boyfriend in a U shaped booth.
I am gonna be honest; I was nervous getting ready for dinner, and when getting dressed I wanted to make sure I looked OK...not fat or thin or tired or crazy.
Hubby found this quite funny.
When he arrived I had forgotten how tall he was and that lead to a bunch more flashbacks to events shared, conversations, and what it was like to be a teenager with him.
This quickly shifted to a checklist in my head.

As I sat there and shared pleasant, benign conversation about work, parents, family...
I started to wonder what my life would have been like with him.
I listened as I heard him tell me what he enjoys doing on the weekends and time off
what he and his wife hope for and share.
Nothing matched with my interests

Our story was just the classic teenage romance-
meets high school graduation -
meets I want to find myself.
poor guy, I was too independent/free spirited for him.
We learned a lot along the way.

I realised as we left and I was still in a daze- and forgot my leftovers on the restaurant table...
I think we were meant to share just that time in our lives, and not much more then
simply catching up and checking in with each other now.
I would be heartbroken if we never spoke again, but as my hubby said as we drove away.
" It was so clear that there was no spark left between you too"
He was a great boyfriend

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Tuesdays Inspiration

I was moved when I heard this story on NPR this morning.
I was humbled and inspired when I learned the route she traveled....

She has just received her 10th degree

Thursday, August 04, 2011

I am a wanderer

I am feeling sort of shifty, not really here or there.
I am making packets for proposals, but don't really seem focused.
This of course starts a spiral into self loathing and personal attacks.
Earlier this week, I was invited to get some drinks with past co-workers.
I said maybe and really thought I would go.
As the day approached, I began having panic attacks.
I was flashing back to when I first learned of our infertility.
It all happened while I was holding down that job...all the "stat" appointments and tests
the visits to the ER and the arms full of bruises.
The tears and sudden need to to leave work.
All the stress and memories flooded back and I was suddenly having little movies of moments there.
All the bad moments, shared with these people...and it left me horribly uncomfortable.
On the day of the event, I lied and said I had mixed up work schedules and couldn't make it.
I felt badly for bowing out, but in many ways it felt like I needed to take this stand.
I am working so so hard on feeling whole again, and the collection of these people make me remember when I was not a whole person. So I walked away.
I got a text from someone that attended that simply said "you are missed"
I am sure it was from The Barreness

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Not helping....

My hubby has a hard time with adoption, not adopted people, but the process...or the proce$$
He says that after all we have been thru that the idea of pinning our hopes on another long and unknown ending is a hard pill to swallow.
This broke in today's doesn't help him or us
 just adds sadness to an already heartbreaking reality

Friday, July 22, 2011

Sunny Side of the Street

I am feeling a little better...maybe distracted would be a better adjective.
Hubby is watching me like a hawk and we keep saying our mantras to each other.

I am focusing on all the wonderful things we can do together, that are completely ours.
What it means for us to be a family of two and how that is going to be fine.
We have each other to work with when things get murky and when we are knee deep in the
shitty feelings, and muddy emotions.

We are still able to laugh and hug each other and communicate without words.
I know this ride is really on an ocean and that there are tall waves of joy and sorrow 
but I also know that I can simply float and see where each place takes me...or swim in a direction of my choosing.

I seem to have these moments of intense clarity after a beating from The Barreness
she is resting and plotting her next attack I am sure...but I am working really hard on making myself less available to her and making her wait even longer.

Wait there Barreness, I'll see if I can find her.....
feel free to have a seat I think it might be a while.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Shot down

Well since the "fight thing" there has been a lot less TV in the house...a lot more reading and simply enjoying the patio and the amazingly mild summer we are having so far.
We do still record shows that we both like or want to watch because they make us of the new ones we watch is called Love kind of reminds me of a "Love American style" kind of show. That variety show came on when I was a kid and they were more like vignettes then long stories...this program is similar and feeds our desire to not watch a lot and our short attention spans.
Anywhooo I was sitting and working on some art stuff and watching this recorded show, then this part came on:
(background, sister is surrogate for sister and has now had baby, it has been quite funny) 
I was a puddle of tears when this was hubby was doing the dishes and looked up because I was suddenly silent.
( She shot me, tackled me...and began to punch me over and over in my heart)
I was never going to be in this scenario, or one similar to it....then in a moment of panic I looked at hubby and said : Do you want to try something else?!
I think he was as shocked as I was...I was asking if we should open Pandora's box again.
(The Barreness was rubbing her hands together, getting ready for another take-down)

I questioned our choices and decisions to this moment. I told him I would do whatever he wanted me to do. I would take any drug, do any test, go to any doctor...I simply wanted him to have the experience of being a dad. Being crazed and stereotypical and excited about a child.
Hubby rushed over to me and hugged me and I began sobbing, snot running down my nose and onto his shoulder...I couldn't look at him.
He said what would I do if it was simply up to me? If I was the one making all the choices for us.
I told him I didn't want to be in pain
I asked him the same question, what would he do if he made all the choices about this?
He said he would be right here, with me.

Hubby has been noticing fathers and children a lot more; recently he has even been pointing them out and I can see the sadness and disappointment in him face.
It breaks my heart, literally I can feel it crack in my chest.
this compounded with a family member undergoing IVF has caused me to fell less then solid
I am easily sucked into my abyss of questions and self doubt.

I told him again yesterday that I would do whatever he wants me to...
He said that it amazing him to think that I would simply overlook years and years of blinding pain, sadness and trauma for another shot at the same results.
(Madness, simply crazed madness~ she was feeding me by a spoon)

I told him that knowing it is all my fault, all of this was because of me...
that I didn't want him to regret marrying me.
Wake up one day when he was 68 and look at me and think, all that I could never give him.
He grabbed me hard and fast and whispered into my ear:
I will NEVER regret marrying you

(laughing in her ear, she is sure now that she will always have some control )

Monday, July 11, 2011

Baby dolphins

I commute. A lot
Mind you, a good chunk of my trip is along the coast,
it is pretty to watch the sun rise and set over the water.
One of the benefits of all this ocean time is that we sometimes see animals.
Today, I saw baby dolphins playing in the waves while adults feed on fish and seabirds waited for leftovers. My hubby had seen baby dolphins once while I was driving
I thought he was teasing me.
Today I saw them and the shock in my voice upon seeing them sent us into a fit of laughter.
We pulled over and I grabbed my little pocket camera and shot some images of the ocean.
It was windy, so you can hear that whipping be me.
Although most of them show no baby was still cool.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that I am staying away from the TV lately.
Like in an almost cold turkey sort of way

It has been beneficial as of late seeing that the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket.

I don't know the details of the latest trial, the newest outfit that is walking down Rodeo drive, where Paris H is and do I feel like I am missing something? Nope
To be honest, I have turned off the TV since last weeks "fight" with hubby.
We had a falling out;  we don't do that...we have been together just about 19yrs and I can count on ONE hand the amount of times we have raised our voices to each other.
So they tend to be day that are remembered.
This last one, was brought on by bad timing and poor communication.
Hubby was entrenched in a video game and I had plans for him to answer my booty call!
problem is, he didn't
and then made a statement that turned it back onto me making it look like it was my fault.
Neither of us slept...nor spoke
This poured into the next morning and we had it out!
We are all fine now...a little shaken still but back on the same page again

He was mad that the TV is on all the time and he doesn't want to sit and watch TV.
When I told him that 99% of the time I have it turned on is because, it will allow me to sit in the same room as him while he is typing away at a video game and not talking to me.
It is my company keeper when he is not vocal.
Needless to say, we have made some changes.

I have only watched one show since last Thursday. Really.

Now he and I have read together after work or sat outside and enjoyed the evening air.
We don't need to talk the whole time, but we are spending better time together.
This is what I am really thankful for.
Happy Thankful Thursday

Monday, July 04, 2011

Independence Day

Happy Independence Day
May some day soon all us infertiles be free
pain and hopelessness

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

Mac and Cheese
sometimes that is all you need to make everything
just right

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Coming and going

Well the 6th grader is running amok....

I had done some work during the day, and was getting kind of burnt out and tired by 8:30pm so I asked hubby if he was up for getting the hell out of the house.
He was and so our adventure to find food in town began.
Turns out, that unless you want to eat at a bar everything in town pretty much closes by 9ish. 
We finally decided on a greasy diner where we quickly ordered up,
 ready for this one.....
Onion rings
Coffee shake 
strawberry shortcake
Yep, that was dinner last night! 
I think I use to live off of the few microns of nutrition french fries provides all thru high school...
Somehow this dinner choice made sense, at least that is what we had convinced ourselves.
While driving home and wondering out loud where we left the digestive enzymes,
we saw a sign for a soon to arrive restaurant down the said "coming soon"
that lead to us creating a menu for the
"Coming Soon Cafe"
all dishes are served in a cream sauce
then there are the side dishes
creamed corn
creamed spinach
cream of wheat
you can have
Beef Stroganoff

Everyone leaves with a smile on their face

Now I think, it has enlisted the 6th grader in my hubby just to show off how crass they can be

Saturday, June 25, 2011

It is all in a name

Around a table last night while enjoying food and conversation
 the topic of naming body parts came up.
I think my cupcakes really started the conversation... (they were a hit)

The men were talking about how they had named their girlfriends/wives/partners boobies...
and the names began.
Apparently hubby doesn't have a name for my boobies, I simply refer to them as "the girls"
The one that received the most laughter was "Cheech and Chong"

Then the conversation went onto testicles and butts and then
someone said "maybe I should name my ovaries!"

I was still laughing about something else and then my wheels all slammed to a stop....
Name my ovaries...what would I call the troublemakers?!
I mean I am so completely connected to them and they are constantly ruling my behavior and choices that it seems funny I haven't thought of it before and given them names by now.
Plus, this is totally feeding my inner 6th grader, who loved talking crass and thinking up funny names for testicles.

I came up with a name for one and hubby came up with the name for the other:
Quasimodo and plain Jane

Friday, June 24, 2011

6th grader

"Lemon make you happy~ nipple twister" cupcakes

I made these cupcakes for a friend that I know is a "boob-man"
I couldn't resist for some reason.
It just was soooo obvious to me to make these.

I can feel the shift, the "let me, be me" shift.
I am finding myself starting to walk further away from the heartbreak of being childless.
I know I can dive into that pool at any time, trip more likely
and mind you, the walk is a slow one, but I feel like I have started to walk.
That is something.

Now I am faced with this inner 6th grader, the one that wants to wear make-up and dress up in strange outfits, listen to music loud and stay up way way way too late (at least for the outer person to work well or drive safely). I don't really care what my neighbor mommies are doing, in fact I find myself prancing around the house thinking, hahaha I don't have kids I am trying to get to sleep while the sun is still out at 8:30pm.
I think I am in the middle of another growth spurt or something?!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for my man.

We often ask each other in moments of self doubt and insecurity:
What do you love about me?
When the world beats you up and and then you have to drag your ass home and still be human it helps sometimes to know that you are still worth while to someone.

Well my sweet wonderful man asked this question of me recently and I told him this...
I love that you wait as you turn the compost, so the scrub jays can eat the worms and bugs.

I watched him for half an hour last weekend, carefully turn and shovel the compost two very eager and trusting birds swoop down, pick thru the freshly upturned soil and then perch on the wall as hubby turned the soil again to reveal more earthly treats.

I am thankful for that man of mine.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Wordless Wednesday

I got this email from a woman in the same community garden as me...I am really not sure how to respond:

"At the workday when Flora, Fauna and I were talking about extra weight on our bodies and then jokingly we began blaming our children for the weight. I just want you to know that it was silly talk and we or I do feel fortunate to have birthed a child. I come from a a family of 10 children and only the last two of the 10 had children, either by choice or circumstance. Some sibling were satisfied with their choice and some were a bit saddened because of their situation and not having children. But it takes a village to raise a child, and so when we interact with any child either visual or verbally we are giving to them. And so what I'm saying is that, you are a mother in many ways and what you do is amazing!"

* the names have been changed to the Cinderella fairies

I can appreciate that she is being sensitive to my personal situation...but I am not sure how to really react or if I should.
 In some ways I am a touched that she wrote this to smooth whatever hurt feelings she feels might have been poked by overhearing other ways I am a little insulted that she thinks that I could not interpret a casual conversation/bitch session as just that.
What do you think?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Cyst, boom, meh

The Bath by Alfred George Stevens

I should warn you now, I have had a rocky week...I debated writing about it because in many ways I didn't want to think about it again...but being who I am I decided to over share instead.
Hell, if you can not laugh at yourself, who do you have left?
I am about to talk about vaginas, sex and pimples

Lets start with the latest ultrasound, two weeks ago. I have to have them every 4ish months to keep track of my growths. I decided to go off birth control two and a half years ago and since leaving the hormones, I have grown new fibroids and cysts...all of which need to be watched because they tend to want to be overly dramatic and "rockstar" out the room. So I get pelvic ultrasounds to watch them in an effort to stay off BCP, that is my sacrifice.
I travel to a nearby town to have it done in a hospital because after years of having them done, this ONE tech has treated me like a person who has lost.
The results came back the next day and it confirmed everything is still there,
but not growing as fast as it has in the past...
so I have four more months without pills.

Since realizing that we are never gonna get pregnant (without massive assistance) I have been celebrating the joys of being off the pill...mostly that I am far more sane, my hair has stopped falling out in handfuls, and I do not get nightsweats anymore!
Plus....I want to have sex again.
This is a big deal and I am sure I am not the only one who
has experienced that lack of sexdrive after years of IF and medical interventions
and then birth control pills.
Everyone knows that sex is good for you, emotionally, mentally and for your I was eager to have that return, because I WANT TO FEEL GOOD!

Friday rolled around and I was ready for our Friday night date (we have them still) But around 2pm I started to feel ill, dizzy and then the cramps began and my back felt like I had carried a load of bricks up a flight of stairs. The rest of the night was spent on the couch with a heat pad and a frown, while hubby made me tea and "cooked dinner"(Chinese takeout)
The rest of the weekend started slow, but I got up to speed soon, and our Friday night plans shifted to Saturday night and we had a great night being together.
We were laughing and happy and then Sunday it happened...the pin prick.
That rolled into a stab, that rolled into a personal investigation of the ladyparts.
I had a lump...a red, round, hard lump.
My poor panic room wasn't even ready for my dash and door slam. I freaked out!!
I mean who wants to find a lump on your lovely lady bits?!
I made a plan that if it hadn't changed in a day I would see the doc.
I thought, maybe we just had too much fun and it took a toll on me.
Well it did change, it got scary looking and hurt more and
I could not ignore it or wish it away so I got into the doc.

I greeted her with, "hey, so I figured I haven't shown you my vagina here I am"
She laughed at me and we took a look at the MAD, RED, HARD Bump...
she looked at it and said "oh that is a sebaceous cyst. Do you want me to pop it? "
I think that is when I tried to go to my happy place...but I realized it needed to change if I wanted to walk normal....she offered to drain it with something...she described something about something all I heard was LARGE BORE NEEDLE and my mind made everything quiet...

I said I would wait for it to resolve itself, thank you.
Needles/vagina's...I bowed out of that long ago.

As she was writing up the antibiotic prescription I looked down again
and she had blown her lid!!
I was fascinated and freaked and the doc walked over and said
"lets get it all out"...and popped it!
I thought I was going to fall off the table...I remember breathing and then feeling like my whole vagina was in a table-vice.
She took samples and said she was sorry it hurt.
I was told to soak in a bath, several times a day and try and to "get more out".
The more I massage it the better.
OK so sit in a bath and massage myself...this was getting ridiculous.
I have been doing that for the last 24hours, it is the most unsexy, unpleasant way to enjoy a bath.
I got some new bath salt to help it feel less clinical and more...well, less clinical.
10 days of antibiotics and baths, and squeezing (not for the weak)

The one gem I can take away from this is:
I encourage all of you to check your parts, and don't wait to see the doc if something doesn't look right. As embarrassing as it was, I felt empowered that I knew what was normal for me and what wasn't and that I love my vagina enough to protect it from future mishaps.
My name is The Barreness and I grow stuff

Friday, June 10, 2011

Long Long time, like yesterday

I have been filled with sorrow as of late.
I am missing my grandmothers terribly.
One passed away in September 2006, the other in December 2008.
It feels like an eternity ago I was sitting next to either,
feeling their hands rounding my back in a hug.

My last words with my Nana, had her laboring for breath.
As I was leaving from a visit, she reached out to me... I turned and asked her what is it ?
What are you wanting to tell me...
and thru labored breath she simply said "I love you" 
I looked at her and told her I loved her too.
Three days later she was laying on her bed, surrounded by family
taking her last breathes thru her fluid filled lungs.

I don't remember my last conversation with my grandmother...
I spoke with her often over the phone, as I was unable to visit her in the care facility she lived.
My grandfather was in one too, and since his death in 1991 I promised I would never go back into one.
Even for my grandmother.
I was a selfish granddaughter that way
So I called a lot and spoke to her on the phone, mailed her pictures of the garden and visited with her at my parents home, away from the memories of a care facility
We carved pumpkins together in October and celebrated my parents anniversary together in November, and I called to wish her a happy Hannukah in the beginning of the month.
Then I got a call to come to the hospital a few days later; she was asleep after another fall and was not going to wake up.
We were surrounding her as well, when she took her last breath
She finally escaped the body that gave her so much pain.

Now years later I am left with the emptiness of not being able to call them.
Not hearing their voice
Smelling their perfume or soft skin

Sometimes I wake from sleep, I can hear their voices say my name

I have stopped having dreams of my grandmother yelling at me,
my Nana driving and complaining they got her hair color all wrong

Now I simply just feel left, like they are calling me from far away
They feel so so far away

Friday, June 03, 2011

To Hell With It All

I am having one of those kind of weeks!
I am having trouble focusing on my tasks...hubby is working late all too much.
I am in a state of constant hunger and all I want to do is make it all work.
So tonight I introduce a new theme:
 "To hell with it all"
Maybe if I throw caution to the wind and kick loose a little
I can shake back into place what is out of whack

I wholeheartedly support any of you doing it too!
Life is too short for this bullshit