Sunday, November 21, 2010

My bags



I am running around the house crazed as I am not sure what to do first.
I will be visiting with family and as wonderful as it is...and infrequent, I am anxious.

Some of our family is not as connected to us than other parts of our family, so when we are together for something more then a meal it gets strange and awkward.
My sister-in-laws get pregnant easily, I sometimes wonder if they simply mention they they want another baby and it is done. When we told this sister-in-law about our efforts not being as easy, she simply cried and said "I feel so sorry for you"
That created a wedge for me, and since then I have been gun-shy to share much else,
heck almost anything else.
When her first son was born and she visited the first time, I was handed my nephew "here take him for awhile" I was terrified, and frankly wanted to put him down and run far far far away. My mother-in-law insisted on constantly handing him off to me; when the second nephew came along, my husband was my barricade, he took the small one and I stood next to him trembling inside and wanting to vaporize.
Fearing that my sister-in-law would need to run errands and disappear for several hours leaving me and my nephews sitting on the floor and crying.

Now we are visiting again, and although they are several years old, I am still afraid.
They don't really know me outside of the knowledge that I send a card for their birthday and Christmas.
I try and ask about them a lot but often get information via my mother in law.
My first interactions with them were when they were little and I was in the most painful process of my infertility. I hope they don't remember that part...I hope they don't remember the Aunt that wanted to hold them and snuggle but was so so raw inside she held back and cried all night long afterwards.

4 comments:

KC said...

It is so hard! I hate when people push me to hold their babies it makes me so uncomfortable. I feel a bit differently about my neices and nephews because they were in my life before I even really knew anything about infertility. However, now when my friends have new babies I am always so awkward because I feel like everyone can hear my heart breaking and sense my desperation.

La Belette Rouge said...

I haven't held a baby since I started TTC. And you know what, I amy never hold another one. Huh? I didn't even know until this moment that I hadn't and that I had the option of choosing not to.
Sending you much love, hugs, and hope that all goes well.

Sushigirl said...

It is really hard - although I think it gets easier as nieces and nephews get older. I avoid new babies like the plague but throw myself into searching out Christmas presents for older kids.

PS - your fondue sounded really good, and may inspire me to dig out my set!

Randi said...

Here from ICLW :) Though I desperately want to have a child, I'm definitely scared of other people's children. Not sure exactly what its about. At least if its mine and I screw up, I did it to my own kid. I don't think I could bare someone thing I went and screwed their kid up. Best wishes to you on this holiday season.