Thursday, October 28, 2010

Words never seem to be enough

I am finding it hard to locate words.

When I was in the final stages of the show I was sitting and trying to imagine/meditate on what I wanted for this was simply that, I wanted the show would be seen.
I fought off images of an empty gallery,
people getting the cards and then throwing them into the recycling can
or simply forgetting it.

In an effort to offset my insecurities...
I worked really hard to banish the image of being ignored or dismissed.

When I showed my final set of images to my art mentor, she looked at me and said
"You need to think bigger then you are doing. You need to see this traveling"
that set into motion the concept that this show was not simply to be shown once and then be stored in my garage, like a backpack or a box of sentimental clothes.
I wanted people to see the work and know what it feels like to loose something so deeply understood as yours. What it means to be infertile.

 This also set into motion a deep sense of panic to a fanatical level,
 I needed to work harder and longer and more intensely.

I wanted this to be my strongest body of work to date....I wanted to not let anyone down.

I spent many a night simply paralyzed with fear of making the "wrong choice" or making a mistake.

To date, nothing in my life has come easy and I have understood and accepted that from a very young age.
I have always had to work harder and longer.
Nothing is handed to me, and if it is, I will find myself without it soon enough.
I have other members of my family that the extreme opposite is the case and I understand that too.

So as I inched closer and closer to the show opening and this amazing journey began something
 very very foreign to me began to happen...things started to fall into place, people were offering to help me.

A journey I thought I would be taking alone fighting every step, making every choice, searching for every loose coin in the house to pay for labels or frames...some thing shifted.

It opened and the gallery filled up, everyday the gallery was open there were people there to see the show!
I was humbled and so thrilled.

I have met some amazing people, who have said some mind blowing things to me.
I heard that someone even came to the closed gallery after seeing a write up in the newspaper and banged on the door until someone opened it, just to see me show!
(like in a movie)

I have met some fellow bloggers and been starstruck by them!
Wowo ladies, you are my hero's!

I have opened my email and seen letters from people I don't know telling me deep dark secrets of loss.

I think that is what has got me so stunned.

I think I am suddenly lucky and it concerns me

1 comment:

La Belette Rouge said...

Words aren't enough to tell you how grateful I am to you for contacting me. I am so very grateful that I got to see your show and feel that very surprising feeling of having my experience mirrored. I am not even able, as of yet, to put into words how the experience impacted me( I am still processing it and that is what I haven't been able to write anything about it. Sometimes when I am in it I don't have the words). What I know is that it was a profound experience for me. I can only imagine how profound this was for you. Really. So much to be proud of.