What I feel now is sad and lonely.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
So I realized today that my show falls just about one year from the first of my three miscarriages.
So if the first had taken I would have been holding my own child at the opening.
Instead, this show has become my child, my mission, my distraction.
I am overwhelmed with fears and anxiety about it finally being seen. Will my voice be strong enough?
I have shown the images to my art advisor/mentor and they were very well received. In fact she thinks that it could be a traveling show. In many ways that is wonderful, in other ways it scares me to death! I doubt my own abilities, I question my drive, and I wonder if I have what it takes to make this happen.
I have worked my gut into a frenzy and am on a doctors ordered bland diet and medicine for the rest of the month. I am so bored with food that now I am not eating much at all.
I am happy with the work and making it distracts me from new decisions that I need to make. When I saw the doctor for my gut, she saw the last ultrasound and said we need a follow up ASAP...as the "complex" cyst is something that can be pre-cancerous or nothing at all...like I need to add that to my plate of options right now! Also if it continues to grow poses a risk of fallopian tube torsion. Something that no one had mentioned to me before. I figured it was pretty well set in there and that a cyst would grow....I never thought of it as a dangerous stacking game.
So I have a prescription for pills...and I haven't taken it to the pharmacy or anything...I am just waiting still, I guess. Waiting for the very last minute...waiting until it is glaringly obvious to me that I need to take them again. I am really wanting to avoid that....really wanting to.
I think I am simply afraid.
Hubby and I spoke and we are both in agreement that we passed teh time to get pregnant. It is a sad reality for us both. The dream is really a ghost, we can see it, interact with it but it is not something we can touch.
It marks yet another milestone we do not get to experience.