Saturday, July 03, 2010

Repeating my fears

Maybe it is the upcoming ultrasound, maybe it is leftover fear...
regardless my dreams last night were somewhat comforting, but mostly heartbreaking.

I was on the beach participating in a silent protest, were were all wrapped in wool blankets and had buried ourselves in the sand so we looked like freshly dug graves. Dirt piled mounds.
I was peeking out of my blanket to see if others were doing the same...and after a period of time we all began to sit up.
Someone behind me asked if I had my period...I wasn't sure how long I had been laying with everyone but for some time...and I said "no, why?" and then she said "Oh My God!"
I reached behind myself and felt wet, I pulled my hand up and saw blood; a handful of blood and tissue.
I realized I was having another miscarriage and wrapped myself up in my blanket to walk away...
When I got up I was dizzy and it was then that I realized I was still bleeding.
I wandered looking for someone to help me... I remember my brother picking me up and carrying me somewhere as I was blacking out and hearing peoples voices say she has lost so much blood.
At some point I came to a room and my grandmothers were there.
They told me that they would take care of it....
I was in some sort of portal between worlds.
My grandmothers had come to take the lost baby away to live with them.
It was then, that I knew that they were aware of this loss and that they were trying to help me.
Something in the dream told me that there was more then one child they were watching and I began to weep and sway. I passed out in my dream...and awoke.

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