Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It has been a while

I haven't written in a while, as I was trying to distract myself with living.

I have had a lot of other events to play with and so this constant undercurrent has been mutable.

In the last week it has been churning, maybe because I have begun to loose focus, the battle to remain in check has been just that, a battle.

I have felt so overwhelmingly lonely as of late that it makes me feel even smaller.

I tried to clean, thinking that what I needed was to simply find order again and then all those trains can run on all their own tracks and I could jump from train to train depending on my mood.

My trains keep finding junctions, forks, meeting points.

I keep having this feeling like I am forgetting something and simply whittling away my days. Thinking tomorrow I will do more, tomorrow I will be more, tomorrow will be better.

When will today be that tomorrow?

I often find myself looking in circles, staring at walls or going to my pacifier the TV to make me forget that all is not running smoothly. I am unfocused and afraid that I have really blown it.

I really want to start living, but I don't know how...

I am in fear of slipping back into a deep depression, falling behind on my hopes for my art...the trains all colliding and exploding, leaving nothing recoverable behind for me to find.

How will I find my way out of this dark, moody place I am in...

Saturday, September 05, 2009

A call for empathy

my response to a beautiful call for empathy:

"So wonderfully written, I am overwhelmed with its bare honesty, and beauty.
I am still working on finding my path of peace, where the deep deep pain can be a lessened. I still try to not to cry when nieces and nephews have birthdays, and many times fall on days when I get my period. All those times I had hoped for...all those days they can not share with a cousin.
Friends still offer suggestions for fertility, and although I know it is coming from a place of feels insulting. Don't you think I have tried all I could think of?
Empathy is not a word I think many consider with us, but instead sympathy. "