With this most recent cycle, I have had mini panic attacks.
I am fine one moment then in an instant I am not...I start to have a hard time breathing, I am spinning and then sobbing.
I am the end of the line....this train is going to sit in the station.
No packages to deliver, no news to send forth...no passengers to carry.
It was a photo of my great great grandparents that triggered it for me.
My great great grandmother had 11children, all lived. My maternal great grandmother, died a week after giving birth to my grandmother....I thought for years that that would be my fate too.
I would have a close call or die after giving birth to my own child.
Little did I realize, it would have been by my own doing, instead of the entrance of a child it was the loss of what can not be.
I have started photographing my family pictures, the old ones, the ones over 50years old and making CD's of the images to be passed onto others as years pass and generations become that. I am trying in some way I guess, to make a legacy of my own. I am trying to make some sort of mark in the face of all this.
For when I am gone, it will be only my photos that live on...maybe.
For now I am doing this for my niece and nephew...to let them know I was here and I cared enough about them and all who came before us.