Thursday, January 29, 2009

Happy Anniversary

It has almost been 4 years since the announcement of my faulty uterus and ovaries and the medical industries desire to remove it.
I know this, as not only do I carry it every day, but it is marked by the birth of my goddaughter.

I was in pain the night she was born but refused to leave my friends side while she labored to have her. Three days later I was in the ER with a nearly exploding ovary, and a doctor telling me that I should just have my ovaries removed. A week following that, I was taking pictures of another friends wedding who was full with baby.

Over these last years I have:
* Been working on resetting my body and fighting off knives and suggested surgeries.
* I have been taking birth control pills and praying that I got a dummy pack and would amazingly still get pregnant.

* I have been suppressing the anger from a misdiagnosed ultrasound that changed my whole world.

* I have been in grief counseling to help me come to terms with the loss of what was taken away

* I have locked away my dreams of a child

* I have worked on not being cynical, but have not been successful

* I have tried to convince myself that being a woman without baring children still makes me whole, when knowing it is me simply ignoring a huge hole within myself

* Tried to believe that the universe is really not out to get me for things I have done in my life

* Worked on understanding that I did not will this on myself

* Stated to myself that my husband got shortchanged, duped, or "the rug pulled out" from him

I had my annual with my doctor this last month, it is one of the worse experiences for me as I am often in the office with a woman who is about to burst-babies. This year it was simply me...refreshing and a sign of what was going to be different.
My doctor had written last year that "I didn't want" children and I was set to get this information straight this year.
I came out of the gates on fire the minute she walked into the door...and explained that I would always want children, but did not want assistance to create them...
I knew that after so long and false test results I was past the prime to have them now...
She examined me and stated something I had not heard to date...
" I think you should try again if you want"
I have a 40% chance that something would go wrong...and not have a "perfect" child at my age.
that means that there is a 60% that all will be fine.

I have high risks of long bed rest and gestational diabetes, c-sections and extreme pain from the 2nd trimester until birth (because of the possibility of my fibroids dying from lack of blood)

All these things are to be weighed in our thoughts about trying again....trying again

Opening Pandora's box....

Semen sample in my cleavage....turns out his sperm is is all me.

It is now that the we wait, and see if we want to have a baby...reopening that door is dangerous. I was hit when twisting the knob to the door, I was overtaken with all my boxed away hopes and dreams...I was smothered with desires and visions of a small person all our own.

I have taken on the name and proudly (if not quietly) held the title The Barreness for so many years. Would I be the person that I despised, the person who finally got pregnant after years of not getting pregnant...or will I return to my lair after weeks of new physical and emotional pain.

Once I step into this pool, it is hard to get back out if things go wrong....

Saturday, January 03, 2009

It has been a while...maybe some things just will never change

It has been a while since I have posted my feelings.
My emotions are raw right now...a few things have collided at the same time again for me.
Things often seem to happen in groups in my life...a constant overlay of I spend days, weeks or months trying to unpeel one from another as others stack anew on top of them.

I was working hard this December, trying to make all my other ventures succeed, when I got a call that my Grandmother was about to die. I rushed off to see her one final time and ended up lost in a week...then another and here I am three weeks out, still trying to get back on my bike of life and get pedaling again.
In the meantime, Christmas and Solstice and Hanukkah have all appeared and so have the children, as a seeming mocking reminder.
A visit with my husbands lifelong friend started in a park, filled with children at play...most of which (at least 6 of them) followed us back to the parents home while another 7 or so went to another home. Then the hours of visiting consisting of watching and cooing over the children followed. Conversations about how all his friends have kids...and be careful you might want some of your own too...
I spent that visit quiet and vacant in my mind, though, I think I was able to pull off the "Mona Lisa" smile for most of it.

This visit was followed up with a house call to my parents, to simply check in on them. A few more emotional hours followed that.

I had a visit from a friend, wanted to spend some time with me, all while escaping from her 3 year old, husband and mother-in-law for the night. We heard a lot of stories of how she is being tested and how trying it is raising this 3 year old has become. We did our best to sympathize all while making sure she did not think we were judging her. We weren't, we were simply jealous of every trail and task that she is facing. Even the "grass is always greener" theory didn't stick for long.

All the while I am mourning my grandmothers loss....she and I had a unique relationship. I was the first grandchild and the first girl in I don't really know how many my birth was special and my development was watched and critiqued. Sometimes quite harshly.
I was terrified to tell my grandmothers of my loss, my, our inability to have a child. I am the last one in my family to carry on our faith, my husband is the last of his it was a big deal.
My grandmother had also started stepping deeper into dementia and Alzheimer's so I was afraid of the constant repeated questions. When I told her, she simply cried. No words...just tears. She never mentioned it again, except to ask if I was still in pain. That amazed me. I think under all that loss she understood I was lost too.
I watched her take her last breath, and I watched my father cry a deep wailing cry.

One friend called me after her death to see how I was. I called all of them, let them know and all the details of the funeral and all....the same friend that called sent a card a week later...but that was it. I feel run over, I feel lost...and confused and alone.

Someone at the gallery said "oh I am sure your grandmother would be proud" set off a series of questions in my mind. All of which made me wonder whether she would be or not. She didn't really understand why I chose the Arts for a life long vocation...and made her displeasure of it clearly known. So I am not sure...still.

I have an appointment for an annual this week...I dread them; not for the normal fingers in all orifices reasons, but the questions that are required.
I am dead set in letting her know that her statement at last years meeting " so you don't want children" is not true...but instead that the correct answer is, " I will always want children, but assistance to make them is where we have drawn the line"
I go over that conversation in my head, over and over again, and it always feels like I am being attacked and need to defend myself.
I don't like that feeling.

So here I sit at some random hour of the day or tomorrow or whenever.
I feel lost, alone, afraid and sad all at the same time.
I just want to feel something lighter this year...happier, and fulfilled.
I don't want to carry The Barreness around all year with me. I want to turn her on her ear and make her squirm.

I went to the garden this morning to water and check the veggies, and I started to ask my husband to take a picture of me...I often took pictures of my food or me in the garden and sent them to my grandmother to enjoy. I stopped in my tracks today and simply cried and felt silly.
I took a picture...but I can not send it. I simply have it as a reminder of where I am today and all the layers of feelings and thoughts I am under.