Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Saturating

"I couldn't tell what was rain and what were tears"

I told my parents about our miscarriage today, I told them before I realized what words were falling out of my mouth. It surprised me and I could see the wind being knocked out of them.

My mother in her "way" told me that she thought I was pregnant and that she and my father were waiting for me to tell them.
She cried when I told her that it was gone, confirmed and gone. My father was silent and could not look at me for a long while. I don't think he knew what to say...or how to say what he wanted to say.

I told them I am racing the clock on the growing fibroids and that this was checkered flag...the last loss I could endure.
Ironically, my husband told someone today too, the first person he has shared it with and when I asked how he felt about sharing it he said "it made me really really sad, but I just told him..."
this is a really big thing for him...In someways I am very proud of him in others I am familiar with what he means and is possibly feeling.

Now I just have to fight feelings of imagining what it would have been and what it would have looked like and what we would have named it.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

same news...different year

Well my desire to outwit and out hope my body have begun to be foiled yet again.
The results are back and were delivered by such a warm and kind person this time that the pain of its reality was almost unfelt.
I am growing again...and this time the ping pong game is back on about the shape of my uterus.
It appears that I might have calcified the older fibroids and grown a couple of new ones.
Only one appeared at the begining of the year and two plus some calciumed ones are there now. Plus my ovaries are making cysts and I have one folicle in one of my ovaries.
That one folicle will most likely become a cyst too....

It appears that my desire to grow is all about growing the wrong things or the right things for short periods of time.
Like an oyster, I have taken that speck of sand and coated it with hope apon hope untill I create a perfect orb that people will want to take from me.
Except my orb is not pretty and shiny, but intead hell-bent on taking me with it.

I planted seeds in my garden, at least I can watch that grown into something beautiful and right.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The results will be in shortly

I went to the ultrasound people yesterday....this after a very hard session with my therapist who insisted that I tell someone that I lost a pregnancy. So I am telling you....I lost a pregnancy and I am really not ok with it.
There.

In the real world, I told a long time friend, who repsonded in a surprising manner, thank goodness and was the perfect ear to tell it to. I also told my brother, who was quite shocked that I had lost a pregnancy.

So back to the probes...I went to the clinic and had the 417th ultrasound done, far less in real life...and was greeted with a tech who was all about me "keep trying" and how she lost one and that now she has a baby and that her sister had IVF because she wanted a boy and they spun the sperm to get one....argh
enough, oh and the URBAN myth of a woman here in my town who has two prgnancies in her bicornate uterus and they are two months apart...etc wtc WTF

She thinks I have a bicornate uterus, this can mean one of two things, I really do...or my fibroids are begining to rearrange things again.
then she saw two fibroids...only one was noted at the begining of the year. Then there was question if I had a calcuim fibroid...an oldie but a goodie.
But none were in my my uterus so I am fine to have a kid...go for it. Well, try and fail at it and then try not to slit your wrists from the pain of failure.
Oh and you have like a million follicles too....your ovaries are crazy.

I should hear all this and more next week when my results will be officially in.

So I left there, with a patch of missed ultrasound jelly in my crotch and a new sense of broken.
" Hello yes, I am the Barreness I will be your server for this meal of humble pie"

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Sorrow

Something has shifted...I am starting to experiece sensations that I have in the past.
Aching in my bladder, a plucking cramp that flows along my lower abdomen...signs that things are shifting.
I have been off of birth control for about 9months now...ironic I know....that was not lost on me.
I have a dear friend that is expecting next month, we started trying at the same time....she got lucky, I got a whole lot of "hahah you're not pregnant" pregnancy tests.

I went to the doctor yesterday and had some things confirmed....no infections (damn I wanted a quick fix)
My uterus is enlarged and now tilted...that is a new one.
and yes, it sounds like I had another miscarrage.

Saying those words aloud hurt...I almost whispered it to the doctor. It seemed that saying it to someone other then myself or my husband made it really really real.
It seems pathectic that, at this junction, when things are shifting, I was pregnant for a small small time... and things have begun to go haywire again....meaning that I might be going back onto the pill to reset my uterus again, but this time until menapause. sigh

This was the last road, this was the last try...this was it.
I pulled the short straw, I lost.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Gone

My love had been planning a getaway for us for our anniversary....it was a wonderful break from his normal way of doing things. He kept it a secret and until the day before, I was not aware where we were going.
My period was late again but I thought nothing of it until it arrived. When it did, things were not the same ol' same 'ol.....in fact they were strangely familar to actions of the past.
I began to bleed very heavily and felt quite woozy, then came the signs that something was lost.
I think I lost another very early pregnancy.

This was something that I had seen before...and it didn't really hit me until months later...this time, it hit me like a sponge and I was left wet. I carried the quiet knowledge with me this time and let it slowly dry in small bits. I had gained another year of marriage but possibly lost being a mother again.

We drove many many miles and saw many beautiful things and were reminded why we love each other.
I was strangely calm all weekend...I think I was simply just quiet.
We both were.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Hot cocoa

I am propably the last person to see Angels in Ameria...it was great, well the parts I saw as I came in on the last third I think.
I was able to see the final scene with Harper and her final journey into Antartica...telling Mr Lies about her life with the eskimo...it made me cry. Knowing that she was not pregnant but had this lovely and quirky fantasy about the baby and her:
something like : Maybe it will be born with white fur covering its whole body, and it will never be cold and my breasts will be filled with hot cocoa to feed it with and we will live here and be happy....

The sweet sweet idea of what life could be like with the baby she will never have, or wishes she had.
I was in tears...taken quite off guard by it, but so comforted by it.

There is a similar scene in Casa De Los Babies, when Susan Lynch was telling her dream to the woman making her bed, about the snowy morning that she goes and wakes up the warm little wrapped lump in the bed and has a play day with them. Another beautiful dream of a child.

It is these dreams that I am soaking in...at times it feels as though I am drowning overflowing with imagined children, trips, conversations and hopes.

I am fighting, almost daily, from being broken by them.
I feel weaker at times and fear I will simply crumble...other times I have a lot of duct tape.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

It has been a while


I haven't written in a while, as I was trying to distract myself with living.

I have had a lot of other events to play with and so this constant undercurrent has been mutable.

In the last week it has been churning, maybe because I have begun to loose focus, the battle to remain in check has been just that, a battle.

I have felt so overwhelmingly lonely as of late that it makes me feel even smaller.

I tried to clean, thinking that what I needed was to simply find order again and then all those trains can run on all their own tracks and I could jump from train to train depending on my mood.

My trains keep finding junctions, forks, meeting points.


I keep having this feeling like I am forgetting something and simply whittling away my days. Thinking tomorrow I will do more, tomorrow I will be more, tomorrow will be better.

When will today be that tomorrow?


I often find myself looking in circles, staring at walls or going to my pacifier the TV to make me forget that all is not running smoothly. I am unfocused and afraid that I have really blown it.

I really want to start living, but I don't know how...

I am in fear of slipping back into a deep depression, falling behind on my hopes for my art...the trains all colliding and exploding, leaving nothing recoverable behind for me to find.


How will I find my way out of this dark, moody place I am in...

Saturday, September 05, 2009

A call for empathy

my response to a beautiful call for empathy:

"So wonderfully written, I am overwhelmed with its bare honesty, and beauty.
I am still working on finding my path of peace, where the deep deep pain can be a lessened. I still try to not to cry when nieces and nephews have birthdays, and many times fall on days when I get my period. All those times I had hoped for...all those days they can not share with a cousin.
Friends still offer suggestions for fertility, and although I know it is coming from a place of love...it feels insulting. Don't you think I have tried all I could think of?
Empathy is not a word I think many consider with us, but instead sympathy. "

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It's that time again....

This struck me as funny, and seeing that the moon is full and my womb is not...I thought it was only fair to post something that made me laugh for a change:
Pregnant Women Are Smug by Garfunkel and Oats

Big kisses to these ladies!!

Sunday, August 02, 2009

End of the line...

With this most recent cycle, I have had mini panic attacks.
I am fine one moment then in an instant I am not...I start to have a hard time breathing, I am spinning and then sobbing.

I am the end of the line....this train is going to sit in the station.
No packages to deliver, no news to send forth...no passengers to carry.

It was a photo of my great great grandparents that triggered it for me.
My great great grandmother had 11children, all lived. My maternal great grandmother, died a week after giving birth to my grandmother....I thought for years that that would be my fate too.
I would have a close call or die after giving birth to my own child.
Little did I realize, it would have been by my own doing, instead of the entrance of a child it was the loss of what can not be.

I have started photographing my family pictures, the old ones, the ones over 50years old and making CD's of the images to be passed onto others as years pass and generations become that. I am trying in some way I guess, to make a legacy of my own. I am trying to make some sort of mark in the face of all this.
For when I am gone, it will be only my photos that live on...maybe.

For now I am doing this for my niece and nephew...to let them know I was here and I cared enough about them and all who came before us.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Nothingness

I don't feel like doing anything, nothing.
I have tried, in fact most of this week, has involved me trying. Pushing forward and moving...slowly but moving none the less.

I think the level of loneliness has started to pile up on me.
I feel very alone.

A friend mentioned that they were going to gather pine cones for me. Apparently they are a symbol of fertility. I told her I couldn't do this any longer, I wanted off the roller coaster, I wanted to gain back the life lost in waiting and hoping. I told her this months ago, I think she is still hoping for me. She and I had started to try at the same time, and now she is 13 weeks pregnant and I am waiting for my late period to begin.
I know it is late, as I took another pregnancy test this morning and was greeted with another "not pregnant" on the stick.

It is only a matter of time, before she begins to realize that I am not a fertile womb. Heck it is only now that I am really coming to terms with the idea that I am not going to be a mother.

So I continue to bob in the vast ocean of this reality. My arms and legs numb, my back sore...my desire to eat ice cream on a stick- strong.

Summer is here and I am flooded with images of idyllic childhoods, and times gone by....and I feel nothing when I am not crying.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Numb all over

As I wonder into the new unknown, I find myself numb.
Numb from tip to toe...and the efforts to make myself happy are becoming harder and harder to muster.
It is an effort...I find times in the day when I am berating myself for not doing more or simply sitting and zoning out.
I have been told I have insomnia, but I have found myself sleeping better the last few nights since the news. Yesterday I could barely move my neck and today it is fine.
I am given days when all seems to fall apart and others when it is all reset again.

As the first period after my "safety time" is approaching I am not sure what lies ahead, I have a new doctor on the horizon and we have no history or knowledge of one another. Where would I go if things go wrong?

I am lost, so very lost.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Slam Bam

I have been slammed again, this time overnight.
I went to bed with the aid of a sleeping pill last night in hopes to sleep thru any changes.

I awoke to back pain once again.
I tried to do some work today, so that I didn't get pulled onto the couch for the whole day but, as the day progressed I was feeling less and less ok. It was more of a struggle to get stuff done and by 5:30 I was laid out on the couch. Slam, and bam onto my ass.

Now I have a blank mind, simply wondering what the future really holds for me. Now that I will have my period every month again, now that new friends will have babies around me as the months pass. I wonder where I will fit in this all.

I am still an oddity of sorts, a woman who stopped the process.
I still have the little voices wondering what if we tried a different way, or went further...but even still we didn't get pregnant.

I am feeling quite lonely recently...a lost sense of me in this world.
I am simply letting it all come as it does and process it at a pace that seems real and complete.
I am doing this alone now, maybe that is why I feel so lonely.
I miss having friends that call and chat, I miss hanging out with people. I can still do that, but I have to call the people or go out and find the event.
My art is helping me with some of that....
My art is slowly saving me.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Wondering while Wandering

So now that I am continuing to swallow the reality of our childless womb, and with another cycle coming to an end, it simply leaves me wondering or Wandering...
Who can I really relate to, where are my people?
I search often for other infertility stories, online, on television...in life.
I found a treasure trove of blogs today...I have linked them here.
I felt a little less alone, a little more "normal", maybe just little.

I have a different story then others.
I have chosen to stop the insanity before I am committed, I have chosen to retain a healthy marriage, I have chosen to not allow science into my womb any longer.
I was reading a blog today that addressed the loss of modesty in the process of fact finding. I was ripped back to my own experiences and trying to keep a stiff upper lip when new and different people came into rooms to probe my misshaped womb. "Hi there I am attached to the uterus you are looking at"
Only sometimes did this work...and I got a response.

I wander daily in my mind, when I see something that I would have shared.
Sometimes get lost for hours, sometimes only minutes but regardless I get lost in the seduction.

It is only when I catch myself do I actively reel myself in again.
The fact that I reel myself back is a new advancement.

For far too long I was seduced by that dark deep pool, wondering how far down does this go, why fight the weight of the water.

I am still seduced by the sounds of the sirens; The Barreness and her sweet quiet songs.
I still allow myself to stare into the pool once a month, and mourn what I had hoped for.
What will never be.

In my well planned and imagined conversations in my head, while on the seductive wanderings, I heard myself say:
"You came to me from a dream, you are a dream come true."

Thursday, May 14, 2009

New Wave

The wake of this past cycle has left me wondering when my daydreams of a child will be quelled. We have tried, in the book smart way...ovulation sticks and temperatures and counting and having sex around the clock; and found ourselves in the hospital with ovarian cysts and pain that made me blind.

We took a "break" and I went back onto the pill for a few years...

Then we re-visited it again this year...but this time tried by not trying. Our results are the same.
Given that my best chances were in the first 6weeks...and we are into the 4th cycle...it is not a good sign.

I count days and wonder, did we make a baby this time? I survey my body, wanting to feel the very moment that I become pregnant, but these have fallen short too.

Hope is the sweetest seduction.
It is hard to reel it back in once it has been cast so far out.

I feel like I have been watching that plastic little buoy for years, bobbing on the surface of the water, waiting patiently for the fish to bite.
My worm has fallen off , and only a bare hook remains...that is not very attractive to any fish.

Waves lap at the shore, pulling all else towards me, while the little plastic buoy floats on the waters surface farther and farther away.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mothers Day...everyone else

This is what I was greeted with....yesterday morning.
I got my period later in the day.
I like to think that I have developed the ability to take a good kick in the gut.

Today I decided to stay in and watch crappy TV all day.
Happy Mother's Day, everyone else.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

oh my aching back

I don't notice it all the time, but mostly when I sit still.
I have been off the pill for three months now...this is when I wanted to check in with myself and see how I was feeling.
Well I am three months out and have found that what I experienced the last time I went off the pill to not be the same this time out.
I still have handfuls of hair falling out of my head.
I still seem to be holding onto the extra weight from the pill
I still seem to have zero sex drive
I still am not pregnant.

What I am noticing is that I am developing month after month a lingering ache in my lower back...sometimes higher...but lingering ache.
The ache was the first thing I remember mentioning to the doctor when things started spiraling last time.
I am due to get my period this week, so i expected some additional ache...but the ache seems to be present before and after.

Maybe it is from the ache of all that I have been carrying...all this information, all this disappointment.

Monday, April 13, 2009

All is quiet

All is quiet...my period arrived and with it a slamming backache.
I guess I am going to experience the classic low back pain of endometriosis with my cycles.

I was moody and exhausted, but spent time in my studio trying to forget that I will not be a mother in this life. I was trying to compensate for my lack of fertility with another outlet of creative making, my art or gardening.
I get joy, (a feeling I am re-introducing myself to, as the feeling has been absent from my knowledge base for some time) from creating something tangible. My art is real, my food is real.

I catch myself breathing deeply while working on a new project, reminding myself to be in the moment, be present. This simple act seems difficult at times, but one I am working with...as my daydreams lead me down dark paths of things to never be and times I will never have.

My hopes for divine intervention from relatives gone before me, has left me feeling alone and forgotten, and absolutely lost.
What happened to wishes from heaven, miracles or magic....

I can only believe in nature now...Mother Nature and The Barreness, these are the only real things I know now.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Awaiting the disapointment

As time continues to tick away, I have found myself thinking less and less about the idea of a baby.
I think I am in a new part of my personal grief about the loss. I still can not really wrap my mind around many facts, but mostly I am sad.

I have no clue when my period will arrive, it is on a schedule I am not familiar with or aware of.
It arrived late last month, so I am not sure what to expect this time as well. It should be here this week, but has yet to arrive.
I sometimes freak out that I have grown another HUGE cyst and that I am a ticking bomb. My cyst waiting for our insurance to run out, so that it would happen when it would cost the most damage physically and financially.
or
I have grown nothing and that all of my past pains are a thing of the past and now I get to simply have the loss instead.
Sometimes that pain justified it all to me, made the loss more real, more understandable and more angry.
With no pain and no anomalies, I am simply left with the loss and a surreal sense of undone. How pathetic and sad.

Branded and cast out of the village.
Barren.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Come and Gone

6 weeks has come and gone and I feel a strange sense of empty.

Mind you, I am familiar with the empty of not having kids, but this seems different.
I feel like I have started mourning all over again. I am retracing my former steps again.
I have become aware that my drive to "try one more time" seems like beating a dead horse.

I have lost my chance to be a mother, I think the idea of riding that roller coaster all over again has come and gone. I am a solo rider...I am on this road with my husband and if we are lucky we can have a few young people close to us.

For now, I simply am going to introduce myself to The Barreness and tell her how I am going to play this game.

Day by day for now.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Same stick different day

In the face of all the risks and low chances....we went for it, taking the best chances of getting pregnant in the first 6weeks as a sign, I had lots of eggs ready to release, we had sex (unknown to us) during my most fertile time in the cycle) and I had loaded up on prenatal vitamins for a few weeks...we were relaxed and not thinking about anything but having sex and fun.

We jumped off the cliff without a parachute...not knowing fully what we were going to face.

So we decided to try and not try....I am on no birth control and neither is he.
We had a lot of fun and now my period is not here, not even in the late version.

We were terrified, and excited....but mostly SCARED beyond words...
Does this mean we really don't want to be parents after all? Does it means that we are selfish to want to just settle into our lives and not have kids after all this?
The dreams of and about children the last few night lead us to believe otherwise.
But aside from the fear we were ready to face, head on all the challenges and risks in the face of all the terror and fear.

I peed on the stick and began to cry, and left the stick in the bathroom... I was sure we were pregnant.



Turns out we weren't.
again


Sunday, February 15, 2009

and so we begin again...

After days of tears and another meeting with the doctor to ask questions ....which seemed to confuse her.
I took a prenatal vitamin tonight.
I am not even sure I want a kid, in fact at times I know I don't have it in me....but there are other times when I think I might.
It seems like I want to be in this group of women and at other times I don't want to be.

My automatic response is aversion...but I think that is learned.
If I think about it, it is not that bad.
And sometimes it is.

I am still not sure where I stand...all I know is that I have decided to not take the pill for a cycle of three months to start with and see how things go from there.
I dream of loosing weight and my hair looking normal and staying in my head and sleeping a real sleep and wanting to have sex all the time.
I almost assume that I will not get pregnant, in some ways it is a comforting feeling. I know I can check that box off in my head again and for good.
Then the idea that I might get pregnant enters my head and I freak out and wonder...about way too many things.
all that can go wrong mostly...I don't immediately see all that can go right....but what I will endure and survive (hopefully) thru.
I want so badly to speak to a friend about this, and my doubts and feelings...but I seem to come up short.
I still feel so alone in this process....
I have a "baseline" ultrasound on Monday to see how big and where my fibroids are.
I am anxious...and will most likely go alone.
I have a blood test too...I will likely go alone.

I am alone in a lot of this....and hopeful that my husband will find a job soon.
Please let him find a job...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Happy Anniversary

It has almost been 4 years since the announcement of my faulty uterus and ovaries and the medical industries desire to remove it.
I know this, as not only do I carry it every day, but it is marked by the birth of my goddaughter.

I was in pain the night she was born but refused to leave my friends side while she labored to have her. Three days later I was in the ER with a nearly exploding ovary, and a doctor telling me that I should just have my ovaries removed. A week following that, I was taking pictures of another friends wedding who was full with baby.

Over these last years I have:
* Been working on resetting my body and fighting off knives and suggested surgeries.
* I have been taking birth control pills and praying that I got a dummy pack and would amazingly still get pregnant.

* I have been suppressing the anger from a misdiagnosed ultrasound that changed my whole world.

* I have been in grief counseling to help me come to terms with the loss of what was taken away

* I have locked away my dreams of a child

* I have worked on not being cynical, but have not been successful

* I have tried to convince myself that being a woman without baring children still makes me whole, when knowing it is me simply ignoring a huge hole within myself

* Tried to believe that the universe is really not out to get me for things I have done in my life

* Worked on understanding that I did not will this on myself

* Stated to myself that my husband got shortchanged, duped, or "the rug pulled out" from him

I had my annual with my doctor this last month, it is one of the worse experiences for me as I am often in the office with a woman who is about to burst-babies. This year it was simply me...refreshing and a sign of what was going to be different.
My doctor had written last year that "I didn't want" children and I was set to get this information straight this year.
I came out of the gates on fire the minute she walked into the door...and explained that I would always want children, but did not want assistance to create them...
I knew that after so long and false test results I was past the prime to have them now...
She examined me and stated something I had not heard to date...
" I think you should try again if you want"
I have a 40% chance that something would go wrong...and not have a "perfect" child at my age.
But
that means that there is a 60% that all will be fine.

I have high risks of long bed rest and gestational diabetes, c-sections and extreme pain from the 2nd trimester until birth (because of the possibility of my fibroids dying from lack of blood)

All these things are to be weighed in our thoughts about trying again....trying again


Opening Pandora's box....






Semen sample in my cleavage....turns out his sperm is perfect....it is all me.

It is now that the we wait, and see if we want to have a baby...reopening that door is dangerous. I was hit when twisting the knob to the door, I was overtaken with all my boxed away hopes and dreams...I was smothered with desires and visions of a small person all our own.

I have taken on the name and proudly (if not quietly) held the title The Barreness for so many years. Would I be the person that I despised, the person who finally got pregnant after years of not getting pregnant...or will I return to my lair after weeks of new physical and emotional pain.

Once I step into this pool, it is hard to get back out if things go wrong....

Saturday, January 03, 2009

It has been a while...maybe some things just will never change

It has been a while since I have posted my feelings.
My emotions are raw right now...a few things have collided at the same time again for me.
Things often seem to happen in groups in my life...a constant overlay of feelings...so I spend days, weeks or months trying to unpeel one from another as others stack anew on top of them.

I was working hard this December, trying to make all my other ventures succeed, when I got a call that my Grandmother was about to die. I rushed off to see her one final time and ended up lost in a week...then another and here I am three weeks out, still trying to get back on my bike of life and get pedaling again.
In the meantime, Christmas and Solstice and Hanukkah have all appeared and so have the children, as a seeming mocking reminder.
A visit with my husbands lifelong friend started in a park, filled with children at play...most of which (at least 6 of them) followed us back to the parents home while another 7 or so went to another home. Then the hours of visiting consisting of watching and cooing over the children followed. Conversations about how all his friends have kids...and be careful you might want some of your own too...
SERIOUSLY HAVE THEY ALL FORGOTTEN! DO WE NEED TO SEND BI-ANNUAL REMINDERS OUT!
I spent that visit quiet and vacant in my mind, though, I think I was able to pull off the "Mona Lisa" smile for most of it.

This visit was followed up with a house call to my parents, to simply check in on them. A few more emotional hours followed that.

I had a visit from a friend, wanted to spend some time with me, all while escaping from her 3 year old, husband and mother-in-law for the night. We heard a lot of stories of how she is being tested and how trying it is raising this 3 year old has become. We did our best to sympathize all while making sure she did not think we were judging her. We weren't, we were simply jealous of every trail and task that she is facing. Even the "grass is always greener" theory didn't stick for long.

All the while I am mourning my grandmothers loss....she and I had a unique relationship. I was the first grandchild and the first girl in I don't really know how many generations...so my birth was special and my development was watched and critiqued. Sometimes quite harshly.
I was terrified to tell my grandmothers of my loss, my, our inability to have a child. I am the last one in my family to carry on our faith, my husband is the last of his namesake...so it was a big deal.
My grandmother had also started stepping deeper into dementia and Alzheimer's so I was afraid of the constant repeated questions. When I told her, she simply cried. No words...just tears. She never mentioned it again, except to ask if I was still in pain. That amazed me. I think under all that loss she understood I was lost too.
I watched her take her last breath, and I watched my father cry a deep wailing cry.

One friend called me after her death to see how I was. I called all of them, let them know and all the details of the funeral and all....the same friend that called sent a card a week later...but that was it. I feel run over, I feel lost...and confused and alone.

Someone at the gallery said "oh I am sure your grandmother would be proud"...it set off a series of questions in my mind. All of which made me wonder whether she would be or not. She didn't really understand why I chose the Arts for a life long vocation...and made her displeasure of it clearly known. So I am not sure...still.

I have an appointment for an annual this week...I dread them; not for the normal fingers in all orifices reasons, but the questions that are required.
I am dead set in letting her know that her statement at last years meeting " so you don't want children" is not true...but instead that the correct answer is, " I will always want children, but assistance to make them is where we have drawn the line"
I go over that conversation in my head, over and over again, and it always feels like I am being attacked and need to defend myself.
I don't like that feeling.

So here I sit at some random hour of the day or tomorrow or whenever.
I feel lost, alone, afraid and sad all at the same time.
I just want to feel something lighter this year...happier, and fulfilled.
I don't want to carry The Barreness around all year with me. I want to turn her on her ear and make her squirm.

I went to the garden this morning to water and check the veggies, and I started to ask my husband to take a picture of me...I often took pictures of my food or me in the garden and sent them to my grandmother to enjoy. I stopped in my tracks today and simply cried and felt silly.
I took a picture...but I can not send it. I simply have it as a reminder of where I am today and all the layers of feelings and thoughts I am under.