As Mothers day approaches, I feel anxious. My mood is hard to read, even to myself.
The day was created by the card industry, I am well aware of that, but it does not change what the meaning of the day does to me.
I think my mother finally understands what a painful day this has become and has made efforts to make the day "easier" for me. I don't attend massive luncheons with family, but instead just have a simple one-on-one kind of day with her and my father.
I avoid television commercials, and try to focus on thing at a time to eliminate the wall of images and sound bites thrown at me.
I use to celebrate it in a big way, I would make sure all my aunts and grandmothers and mother-in-laws got something. I made donations to breast cancer funds in their names, sent cards, made things.
I made a special effort to make sure that the Aunts that did not bear children were included, because they meant so much to me. Those fine women are all gone now, and I know that my tradition has gone with them.
I wanted to send cards to all the "mothers" I know, but the list became overwhelming and I found myself crying in the card section of the store. I have decided to simply make breakfast for my mother and send a card to my sister-in-law for the afternoon's BBQ I am not attending. I don't have it in me to make things or get gifts, or make multiple calls. I feel badly about that but I have to deal with that reality.
Maybe I will be away for Mother's day next year.
I know my mom would understand.