Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Smoke and Mirrors

I was enveloped with my smoke...covered and cocooned in the sadness.
Deep darkness, my husband was desperate to find or create an antidote....

I fell last night, fell deep into my emptiness.

I feel as though I have resumed my "auto drive", I am here but no one seems to be home. Kidnapped by it.

I tried to bat at the smoke; make it go away, but the more I swung at it the more it seemed to create.

I walk as the Barreness, crown and jewels, but I fear there is emptiness behind my eyes. For if they are windows to the soul, my eyes are averted.

Smoke and mirrors.

Monday, February 19, 2007

When you gonna get started....?

When you gonna get started?
I attended a party the other night and was asked this question right after "Hello".
I had three choices in my answer...
1. I could rip them a new asshole, asking what part of this is ok? I was not aware I was part of a reproduction race.

2. I could give them the whole story of my Barreness and leave them as a puddle of tears and guilt.
I could say " We have cats. They are like kids but don't require any gasoline in their entertainment "

I chose the last answer, as it was my sister-in-laws birthday and I didn't want to embarrass my brother and sister in law with my insane actions.

My husband tries to chime in, but it always seems to to be me answering.

Thursday, February 15, 2007


It is battle week.
I battle myself and my emotions.
I can not be touched, or eat. I am sick to my stomach and dizzy.
It feels as though I am swirling.

Nothing like being kicked when I am already down.
The medicine helps take away most of the physical pain, but leaves me reeling in its wake.

The potential womb has left me, bit by bit.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Zero population

We received a letter from my husbands Uncle last night; mostly an update on what he has been up to, as well as updates on his kids.
Our letter had a little hand written note after his signature.." your cousin is beating you, when you guys gonna have some little ones?"
He is refering to his son completing the task of creating a daughter, his third attempt at this feat.
He knows we cannot have children, or simply forgot in the glow of a third grandchild.

Regardless, my first desire was to write a scathing note, telling him that: we can not have a child now, as his son and daughter in law, in their quest for a girl have popped the population bubble.
As a result, we need to not create a child in order to not destroy this world even faster, but instead be resonsible earthlings.
Thanks to his children, we will now have more disposible diapers in landfills, more gasoline needing to be consumed to transoprt them in their oversized SUVs to and from their assorted activities...more food needing to be grown, more, more,more,more,more..... oh but by the way, congratuations on the newest addition.

Is it really a competition? It feels like it at times...lets see how many kids we can have before we realize we are over our heads? How many kids will it take before we actually start to think about all the others around me and how my little family will be effected by my decisions....
Should we enforce a one child law here in the USA? There are people out there procreating that are clearly not thinking at about that dad that smacked his daughter so hard that he knocked her out and then put her outside in sub-zero conditions to die...and she did. Then returned home to sexually abuse the other child still at home.
Well that is another fine darwinian choice...clearly he was much better suited to be a parent then myself. I would only love and care for the child...silly evolution.

I am not saying that these new parents are the same as this horrible man, who should be eaten alive by his fellow inmates, but they are being greedy with children.
Why is one child not enough? Why must they still reach for more, still desire more. Does it go back to the quest to understand ones own mortality? Never wanting to die or be forgotten?
I don't want to die or be forgotten, but does the fact that I will not leave behind a child mean I will die and be forgotten, fading into nothingness, never being.

Maybe instead my failures of parenthood have saved a small piece of earth for us to survive in as the whole place crumbles around us.
I am the sole ruler of this space, for I am the Barreness!! and beside me is my true love the Barren.

Friday, February 09, 2007


The feeling of missing something is there almost all days. It is similar to leaving something behind when you take off on the plane. You wanted to bring it but it is too late to bring it now. I feel this way...that desire to have a child but I seduced away from these thoughts by the distractions of the day.

I have been having some unwanted side effects from some medication I am taking and it made me wander down a familar street of thought, could I be pregnant...but the pain began and I was quickly reminded that I am not. My uterus would not have it.

The recent news of more babies coming into the world have woven themselves into my recent thoughts, I read a blog of a woman who gave birth in her bathtub and read it with tears streaming down my face....I was suppose to do that, I was suppose to have that.
I feel an urge to send a congratulations card to my friends and soon-to-be mothers, but something stops me, something makes me forget to for one more day. I am not ready to I guess, or just don't want to, can't.

I went to talk to another friend and she was contending with her two daughters, one screaming in protest to the prospect of a car ride, the other begging to leave. I watched her as she held the screaming daughter, letting her kick and cry...talking to her in a totally calm voice. "Why are you crying, what do you need?...I can not understand you when you cry..." I stood in silence, witnessing something I feel I would never be able to do. It made me feel like a failure once again, failed to make a baby and with motherhood. It will always be something I can admire from afar...but never hold close, like the screaming child.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

News...for others

The power of the Barreness has struck again! In the last week I have received news that two people I am close to are expecting. It was so easy for them, in fact so fast and easy that it stuck they by surprise.
I can see their hesitation in telling me, and in fact maybe even fear.
I am a master of the " happy face", I amp up my mood and smile big smiles and cheer and laugh and express my joy for them. After all is said and done and we part ways...I am silent and empty. I feel barren once again;reminded of my real emptiness and destiny.