Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Restless Sleep

I am not sleeping, not soundly at least. The last time I did was after my Nana died and that was after being awake for almost two days....I slept deeply in my sadness.

I remember long ago when I was younger, I use to see this image of myself with a child on my back, I was walking by myself across vastness; just this child and myself, silently walking.
I see it now as a symbolic dream.
I alone walk with this cargo, across the emptyness...I am the barreness...I have all the right jewels but wonder what good are they in all this nothingness.

I had a "thing " with a friend recently who was angry at me...It was the first
"thing" since I have known her, that is over 8years. I call it a "thing" because it was not really a fight, as there was no yelling or slamming of doors...but the strange uncomfortable silence, the tactile sense that all is not alright in the world. She cracked me. She forced open a sliver of space and poked herself in, braving the darkness and screams of pain. I felt splaid when it was happening, almost paralized with fear for her and what she would reveal. I sat crying mostly, as she was exposing feelings that were green to even me still.
She is a mother, and is trying desperatly to still connect with me, as much as I try to explain what is so deeply wrong she struggles with understanding.

I admire what she is trying to do, but I wonder if she will ever really get it.
I don't even really get it yet...

Friday, January 26, 2007

as time passes

Time wounds all heals....
I find that as time passes I feel less of me and more of nothing. I have been struggling for the last two years to reclaim elements of my old self, the self before I learned I could not carry a child in either my womb or my arms.
I read and article the other day about uterus transplants and found an interesting comment from one of the doctors heading the program...he refered to the " instinct " that drives women to try anything to become a mother. It was the first time that the word instinct was used in the context of childbearing . I always think of instinct as something that is completly underlining, something that is not consciencly thought about....it made sense to me. I mean birds have an instinct to build nests, if they don't then they die. I have this instinct that I was suppose to have a child and I am now stuggling to suppress that in order to function daily. The whole world is gear to people that have children. I sometimes find that i am making decisions that I can or will not go somewhere based on the level of interactions I would have with children.
Would it be less painful for me to go to the farmers market after 10am or better as soon as they ring the bell? There are less babies there before 9am...i think i will go then. I have made the mistake of trying to go after then and I find myself lost in day dreams, watching mothers and fathers push strollers and feed fresh food to the children.
I have found that my sorrow is a seductive smoke that slowly makes it's way into my day, sneeking into my thoughts when my defenses are slightly down...when my mind is wandering listening to music...or when i am trying to fall asleep.
It is a seductive smoke, it makes me forget the physical reality of me and our decisions.